Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie Page #3

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And I'm Tim Heidecker.

And we are from Dobis P.R.

We saw your commercial,

and we're here

to run the mall

and make that billion.

Do you want

to watch "Top Gun"?

- Right now?

- I love that movie.

- You have a copy?

- I have it here somewhere.

There it is.

It was right here...

- Right on top.

- ...the whole time.

Okay. "Top Gun."

- Just put it in here?

- Just put it right in there.

Great.

Does it start

from the top?

Mm-hmm.

"Top Gun" from the top.

Sit back and enjoy the ride.

- Tom Cruise, I guess.

- Mm-hmm.

- Ah.

- Great.

- I like that movie.

- It's a good movie.

- Terrific.

- Wonderful. Artistic.

Do you want

to watch it again?

We just saw

one pass of it, so...

We'd love to focus

in on the business.

It literally means

the world to me.

Come on.

I guess we can watch it

one more time.

Yeah.

- Rewind here?

- Rewind.

So while

we're rewinding,

Iet's talk business

about the mall.

And hit play.

- Okay. Play again?

- Round two.

- Play again.

- "Top Gun" from the top again.

Sit back and enjoy the ride.

I love that movie.

It's a great film.

Great flying.

Yeah.

I love that music.

Yeah.

Yeah, the music is great.

Not just the songs, either,

the score is good.

- The motorcycles and stuff.

- Uh-huh.

Is that Val Kilmer?

Is that Val Kilmer?

Jesus.

F***.

All right.

Taquito!

Get up here right now!

I've got some business

for you!

I'll need to introduce

you to Taquito.

He lives here in the mall.

He's a sick boy.

Hmm, sorry to hear that.

Come here.

He's your problem now.

Okay.

Also, you're going to have

to look out for the wolf.

Is that

a metaphorical wolf?

- Huh?

- Like an animal wolf?

- Yeah.

- You're talking about a wolf?

Oh, yeah.

He's a real wolf.

He'll bite you.

Noted. Okay.

Well, if I could

just move on?

One more thing. I hate to do this

to you, but in the commercial,

you said we were gonna

make a billion dollars.

Oh. The money's coming.

Did you wink there?

- Hmm?

- You just winked.

Look. Don't worry

about the money.

You're gonna make a billion

running this place.

Making the money.

Yeah, it happened again.

I'm sorry.

We're still seeing it.

Really?

I find that hard to believe.

I saw a wink.

That was a wink.

I don't think I winked.

Yeah. Well, we both saw it.

You winked.

I don't know if it's some kind of

reflexive thing.

No.

Would you just mind

saying "Tim and Eric,

you'll make the billion dollars,

run the mall," and there's no wink?

I hate doing this, but could you just--

you know, even with your hands...

- I'm happy to.

- ...just keep them open.

Then just say "Tim and Eric

will make a billion dollars."

No wink.

Just say the line

and keep the eyes wide open.

You're gonna do just fine

running this place.

You're gonna make a billion.

Even with them spread,

I-- we see the wink.

I don't even know how

it's possible, but you're--

- you're winking through it.

- Hmm.

I think we should just

trust him on this.

- I don't know, man.

- We don't have any other options.

Wink or no wink, we have

to go with this. We're here.

Okay. All right,

well, Mr. Weebs,

we'd love to accept

the offer.

- Oh, that's wonderful news.

- We'll run your mall.

Great news.

Yes, Uncle Damian?

What is it?

Taquito!

These are Tim and Eric.

Oh, how nice.

They will be running

the mall from now on.

- You take orders from them.

- Yes, Uncle Damian.

Want to see where I live?

Want to know where to get food?

Taquito!

You do the song

like we practiced.

Yes, Uncle Damian.

My name is Taquito,

I live here in the mall

I got left here

when I was really small

And then the mall closed,

and the wolves came to stay

They raised me at first

But now they chase me

all day

So stick with me

I'll show you

all the tricks

But not too close,

or you may get sick.

Sorry, I'm real sick.

- You okay?

- I'll be all right.

It's just the shivers.

My body's hot,

but I feel cold.

Mr. Weebs?

Tonight's movie features

several important lessons.

The following segments

are meant to reinforce these themes.

You wanted to see me?

Yes.

You're fired.

Oh, no!

Why? Why?

That's it.

Let it all out.

Oh, no.

This is the best

business scenario for us.

It had to be done.

Yes, you are right.

I understand that now.

Thank you.

Good-bye.

Psst. Wait.

Come back.

This is your

severance package.

Sweet old Mrs. Wareheim.

Mrs. Heidecker.

Yes.

You must be so proud

of your boys.

Making a big

Hollywood movie.

Aren't you?

The sets,

the movie stars.

Geez Louise,

it's something, isn't it?

Well, you see,

the problem is

that they

screwed up big-time.

They screwed up, mommies.

Oh, no.

Are you scared?

- Hmm?

- Scared?

Where's your son?

I don't know.

Where are your sons?

I wish I could help you,

but I can't. Sorry.

Where are your sons?

Where are your sons?

Where is he?

Earle.

Let me try.

You've got Zaffer's Music

over there on the right.

Ahem. And that's

Dan's Tiny Baby Outlet.

He's only open

two days a week.

And this here

is Drimble's Yogurt.

Some folks

say it's haunted

by the yogurt man.

I don't know.

I wouldn't change

too much around here.

The yogurt man might

get real upset.

That's a bobo.

How are you?

Hi.

And this is Simon's.

They sell things

for mommies and daddies.

Oh, hey, Eric,

check it out. Swords.

Cool, I love swords.

Mr. Bishopman?

I have a couple of fellas

who wanted to meet you.

What's this? What do you want?

We're closing.

I'm Tim Heidecker.

I'm Eric Wareheim,

and we're from Dobis P.R.,

and we're here

to take over your mall.

That's right, Mr. Bishopman.

We are here to reimagine

what this mall can be,

and, in fact, we got some pretty big

and exciting changes in mind.

Mm-hmm.

So just hand over

your cost report,

and we'll get started on

some business plans for you.

You listen to me.

I'm Allen

f***ing Bishopman,

and I've run E Z Swords

for 15 years.

And you want me to change?

F*** you!

Sir, Dobis is here

to help, okay?

I like things this way.

I don't want things

to change!

Okay.

I sell two swords a year,

I'm good.

I sell no swords a year,

and I'm even better.

You see, S'wallow Valley

wants to keep swords off the streets,

and they pay me a monthly fee

to not sell any swords!

Okay.

I didn't know that.

Well, now you do, you sh*t!

Okay. Well, we didn't

know that. So...

Well, now you do,

you sh*t!

Well, we weren't aware.

I'm sorry.

Well, now you do,

you piece of sh*t.

I got a lot of stuff

going around in my head.

I've got to sort it out,

and it will help

to not have you

right in my f***ing face

the whole time!

Well, we look forward to doing

business with you, sir.

Yes. All the best.

Good night.

Anyways, there's a lot

of other fun stuff

I'll show you tomorrow.

Well, here we are.

Here's my humble abode

and your temporary home

away from home.

Okay. Careful.

This is my secret tunnel.

Well, here's

the living room.

Shut the f*** up, you little c*nt!

That's Roy.

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