Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie Page #4

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Don't look him in the eye.

Hello.

- Get the f*** out of here!

- Ah!

Here we are.

This is my little palace.

This is where I sleep.

If you have to do

your business.

There's no curtain.

You just close your eyes.

If you have to do any work

or any kind

of calculations,

you can--

you can use

this machine I built.

It's called the--

it's called the taqutor.

Eric's our numbers

man here.

I'm more of a managerial

type for Dobis.

Really looking forward

to crunching some numbers

on that taqutor, Taquito.

Oh, yeah.

You must be hungry.

- We're fine.

- Here. Have a taquito.

Ooh.

No, thanks.

You've got to keep those

refrigerated, Taquito.

I know. That's why

I only eat the middle.

Taquito, don't put that

in your mouth, please.

Taquito,

is everything all right?

It's only blood.

It's just natural.

I'm not meant to live long.

Poor boy.

All right.

Well, on that note,

we should probably

hit the hay.

Okay.

- So--

- We can sleep right back there?

Yep.

- Good night.

- Sweet dreams.

Good night, Taquito.

Good night.

Yeah, awfully nice to have some company.

Thanks, Taquito.

Thank you.

This is what we do

This is who we are

We're Dobis P.R.,

We're Dobis P.R.

We love what we do

And we love who we are

We're Dobis P.R.,

We're Dobis P.R.

D-O-B-I yes

P.R.

D-O-B-I yes

P.R.

Dobis P., Dobis P.,

Dobis P., Dobis P. Do do do

Dobis P., Dobis P.,

Dobis P., Dobis P.

Do, do, do, do

Dobis P., Dobis P.,

Dobis P., Dobis P.

Do, do, do

Dobis P., Dobis P.,

Dobis P., Dobis P.

Do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do

Do, do, do, do, do

do, do, do, do, do

We're D-O-B-I-S

P.R.

Hello, people of

S'wallow Mall.

Let's give a real big

warm welcome

to our presidents

of Dobis P.R.--

Tim and Eric!

- Hey.

- Hey, everybody.

Awesome.

What is up,

party people?

Thank you.

I'm Tim Heidecker.

This is Eric Wareheim.

We are Dobis P.R.,

and we're here to tell you

about our plan

to revitalize

the S'wallow Valley Mall.

Boo!

And here's how we're

gonna do it, guys.

We're gonna use the three

keys to success.

The first key to success.

We gotta get rid

of that wolf...

That wolf.

Okay, our second

key to success

is we've got to clean

this mall up.

All right? We've got to put a fresh coat

of paint on things.

We've gotta get rid

of all you squatters.

The third key to success

is to prepare

for the grand re-opening

of the new

S'wallow Valley Mall.

We've got to get rid of

the stores that don't work

and bring in stores

that do work,

that make profits.

That's gonna do it

for us, guys.

And we're gonna be

making our billion.

You got that right.

I do want to add

a small caveat here.

We have absolutely

no experience doing this kind of stuff.

Absolutely not, guys.

We are Hollywood actors.

Okay?

That's our specialty.

Re-opening a sh*t-hole mall?

It's not what we do.

Yeah. We just want

to go on record here

so nobody can come back

and this can't bite us in the ass

that we didn't know what we

were doing here, okay?

When I look in your face,

sir, I say to myself,

I wish I stayed in Hollywood

and just stayed

a superstar actor.

What the f***

am I doing down here

doing business

in this sh*t-hole mall?

- But that's Dobis.

- That's the pride of Dobis.

Get used to it 'cause this place

is gonna change.

Oh, yeah!

Come on, everybody!

Say Dobis!

- Dobis!

- Dobis!

Talk about it, Mama:

Dobis in the house.

- Dobis!

- Dobis!

Dobis!

Got you just

where I want you.

There you are.

Oh, you guys

are going down.

Excuse me. I was wondering

about this sword.

Hang on. Can't you see

I'm on the f***ing phone?

Operator.

Yes.

Hello, operator.

I need the number for

the Schlaaang Corporation.

I have some information

they're gonna want to hear.

Let me give you their

customer service--

No, I don't want customer

service, you stupid b*tch.

I want you to put me through

to headquarters, goddamn it.

H-hello?

Oh, she hung up. Great.

She hung up.

What the hell do you want?

Oh, you're just holding

a knife out like I know--

Oh, I know

what to do with that.

I just want to see how

much this sword was.

Get the hell out

of my store.

Official Dobis reps here,

stopping in

for a meet-and-greet.

Hi, welcome to Reggie's.

What can I get for you?

We've got a sale

on slightly soiled.

No, no, no.

We're not customers.

I don't know if you saw our presentation

we did the other day,

but we're running things

here at the mall now.

What exactly do you

sell here, Reggie?

Oh, used toilet paper,

of course.

There's a lot of demand

for that here, then, Reg?

It's more of

a gourmet operation.

Okay.

Write down gourm--

I got it. G-I--

No,

G-O-R-M-A-Y.

G-O-R...

- M-A-Y.

- M-A-Y.

Yep. Uh, every night, we go

out to the usual spots--

you know, abandoned

port-a-potties, sewage mains,

those kind of places--

and we do our collecting.

And then we take

the messy slop back here,

and we spool it all

onto new rolls.

What's that? Sh*t?

It's a sh*t smell.

Is that you?

It smells like po-po.

My father taught me this

profession years ago.

And now I'm teaching

it to my son.

- Good.

- Speak of the devil.

Come on.

This is Jeffrey.

- Say hello.

- Hi.

Hello.

Where have you been

hiding this boy?

- That's not a bad boy.

- Come here.

Let me feast my eyes

on that boy.

Come here. Yeah.

Take a look at you.

Hey.

Look at the size of him.

Look at this.

Hmm.

Let me see your mouth.

Nice. Nice teeth.

You want to sit

on Uncle Tim's lap?

Get on my knee.

I like your son a lot.

All right,

all right, Tim.

Listen, Reggie, after

a few calculations here,

it looks like your store isn't quite fit

for the new Dobis brand.

Sorry, Reg. We're gonna

have to shut this boy down.

It's been in

the family for years.

The new S'wallow Valley Mall

is about fresh, clean, safe--

You know what, Tim?

There's an opening

for head of janitorial,

and I don't know

Reggie's qualifications,

but I feel like we could

give him a shot.

What do you think?

Uh, well...

You do the dust.

You do the shine.

We make a mess,

you clean it up.

- That's the job.

- Okay.

Great. Well, Reg,

it sounds like you're gonna be pretty

busy over the next few weeks.

Jeffrey, how about you

tag along with us?

And I can teach you

a little bit about

what it's like to be

a businessman around here,

what it's like

to be a real man.

What it's like to be a real

successful businessman.

Huh? Sound good?

- Yes, sir.

- Don't call me sir.

Why don't you call me Daddy?

Say "Yes, Daddy."

Yes, Daddy.

Does that sound good

to you, Uncle Reg?

Yeah. Okay.

Are you gonna be my son?

That's what I thought.

Attention, squatters.

This is your final warning.

Please vacate the mall

immediately.

This is a direct order

from Dobis P.R.

Get out of here.

Swing, swing, swing.

Swing, swing.

Oh, sh*t.

You got, like,

a foot back here

if you swing it

hard enough.

I got it.

I got it.

Back it up.

Get out and push.

Get out and push.

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