Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie Page #5

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Hey! I'm trying

to work in here.

All right. Shrim Alternative

Healing Center.

It looks like they have

a video here, guys.

You want to watch a movie, son?

Good day.

I'm Dr. Doone Strutts.

And I want to thank you

for choosing

the Shrim Alternative

Healing Center.

Shrim.

Shrim can

help you achieve

premium body health.

Shrim.

Ooh.

You must locate

your inner shrim.

Shrim begin.

I will help you

find your shrim,

along with my sons.

- Shrim!

- Shrim!

Shrim.

Shrim!

Shrim!

I'd really like to get

my shrim tested,

meet Dr. Doone.

Shrim.

Sounds like shrimp.

Shrimp sounds like Shemp.

Shrim. We should get

some shrimp for dinner.

What?

Shrim! Shrim! Shrim!

Shrim!

All right, Katie's

Celebrity Balloons is our last stop.

Looks like no one's home.

We can turn around.

- No.

- Let's go back.

Just play it cool.

Play it just like yourself.

Just be natural.

Don't forget we're here for business.

Let's do it.

Jeffrey, stick with me.

Play with the balloons.

Hello. Hi.

Tim and Eric here.

- Oh, hi there.

- Hi, I'm Tim Heideck--

Hey,

I'm Eric Wareheim.

Businessmen here.

I'm so nervous.

So, um, love you.

- No.

- No?

Just be yourself.

Hi. Eric Wareheim.

I love you.

- Mm. Start again. Pardon us.

- One, two, three.

Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.

Very in love with you--

- Okay.

- This is business.

I'm trying to just say

the business thing.

We won't be able

to use any of that.

- Cut the love?

- Yeah.

Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.

We're here from Dobis.

We're evaluating

your balloon stand.

And I love you so much.

All right.

Why don't you take two?

Tsst. Tsst.

Take five. I'll get this.

Hi. We're Dobis.

We're just walking around,

trying to get a lay of the land,

figuring out what you guys

need, how we can make this mall better.

Oh. I was in

the audience.

I saw your presentation.

You were wonderful.

Thank you for coming

all this way to help us.

These are super cool.

How do you even make them?

Oh, thank you.

Eric. Eric.

Uh, so, Katie, I would love to schedule

an official Dobis dinner

to discuss

your business model

for your

balloon store here.

With both of you?

That would be great.

Um, or just me.

Um, Tim will probably

be busy with his son,

so you and I can just kind

of go over all the details.

Friday's no good.

Jeff's got a lot of homework.

We're gonna

concentrate on that.

Oh. Okay, fine.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Eric.

Jeffrey!

Jeff?

I miss you, son.

What are you working on

over there, bud?

I'm just crunching some numbers

with the taqutor here,

and we got a problem.

What are you

talking about?

Come take a look at this.

Taqutor,

Ioad up the Dobis

presentation, please.

See what I'm saying?

It doesn't add up.

Eric, it's probably just

a bug in the mainframe.

I'll have Jeffrey

run a diagnostic.

We'll get it sorted out.

It's nothing to worry about.

No. There's nothing wrong

with the taqutor, man.

The numbers are right here.

There's no way we're making that bil.

What are you saying?

That Weebs lied to us?

You know how stupid

that sounds?

You know

what your problem is?

Your head's in the clouds

thinking about Katie all the time.

Let me ask you something.

How many times did you

masturbate to her today?

Like five or six.

Five or six times,

when you should have been

focused on the prize.

You should be

focused on this:

opening up the S'wallow

Valley Mall,

making the "mooney," okay?

Not some dumb slut.

Hey!

Say what you want about my

calculations in the taqutor,

but leave Katie

out of this.

May I have a bite

of your apple?

I wish I had

a bigger bite.

That bite was all mine

because I worked hard for it.

Yep. I didn't

deserve that bite.

I should have

worked harder.

Oh, ladies, ladies, ladies.

I'm a successful

businessman, ladies.

I built the Schlaaang empire

from the ground up.

And if you think two idiots

can make a fool of me,

then you've got a lot

to learn about business

and the Schlaaang way.

Yes.

I've had you here for days,

and you've given me nothing.

Cornell, could you untie

Mrs. Wareheim, please?

Yes.

You see this?

It's a letter opener.

It was my grandpop's.

Beautiful.

He must have used it to open up

thousands of letters over the years,

but it also settled

more than a few arguments.

Do you want

to lose a finger, too?

Where are your sons?

I wish I could tell you

what you need to know

if it would get your

billion dollars back to you.

But I just don't think I know

where they did get to.

Motherfucking Tim and Eric,

where did you go?

You are my son

You're better

than anyone

You're just like

a shiny new toy

You are my boy

You are my son

You're better

than anyone.

- Ahem. Excuse me.

- What?

Sorry to interrupt, but do you want to

get back to Dobis?

Or do you want

to continue singing?

Yeah. It's fine.

Just got lost in my music.

Well, we've got

Drimble's Yogurt here.

Uh, looks like the power's

been off for years,

so we got a lot of spoiled

yogurt we gotta deal with.

And, as you recall, Taquito

gave us a little intel

about a so-called yogurt man

that's haunting the premises.

So Dobo better investigo.

Well, if there is a yogurt man

in there, Eric,

then today he's getting

his eviction notice.

Oh, God.

The smell.

Yogurt man, are you in here?

Hello?

Yogurt man?

Ohh!

Yogurt man, stand down!

The mall's haunted!

Wait.

Taquito?

- Taquito.

- I'm sorry, guys.

I just don't want

anything to change.

Taquito,

change is important.

But that doesn't mean we're gonna

forget about our old friends.

- I don't know.

- Hold on a second, Taquito.

Taquito, we just had

a Dobis meeting,

and we've decided to let you

run the mall fountain.

Really?

Not only do you have to get it working,

but you have to maintain it

and keep track of

all the loose change.

So I think Taquito's gonna be

with us for quite some time.

Thanks, guys.

I'll do the best I can.

I hope I don't kick

the bucket before I finish.

Shut the f*** up,

you f***ing c*nt motherfuckers!

I'll kill you,

you goddamn...

- Tim, how do I look?

- Take a peek.

Well, well, well.

- Sharp as a tack.

- I'm feeling pretty good.

Big date tonight, huh?

Yeah. I'm taking Katie

to Inbreadables.

That'll be nice.

- I'm trying to impress her.

- Oh. Almost forgot.

I got you a little

something here.

- It's called a Spanish fly.

- What is it?

Let's just say

it'll enhance

your lovemaking

experience tonight.

I put this right in my ass?

Mm, no. You put it orally.

Yeah, right in your mouth.

Did you swallow it?

Come on, swallow it.

- Perfect.

- Didn't go in.

Come on.

Swallow it.

Mmm.

Well, you better

hit the road, then.

Okay.

Wish me luck, bud.

I guess I'll just stay here

and work on Dobis.

Keep my eye on the prize.

Good luck with the pills.

Good luck.

Good evening,

ladies and gentlemen.

This is James Quall

here to talk about bread,

and one thing

I'd have to say

is that I'd rather be

saying all these bread lines

than standing in one.

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