Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie Page #6
Ah, yes. One thing
that might be a hazard
about talking about bread
is they might accuse one
of being a loafer.
Now I've just
come from Hollywood,
where they have all these
famous personalities
Iike Bread Pitt
and Robert Breadford.
And now...
I'll be "baguette"
in 20 minutes.
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
I love this place.
I know what you mean.
- You want some of this bread slop?
- I'd love some.
Mmm.
This is so good.
This is a funky place.
So you were telling me
about your mom.
Oh. Well, my mother calls
every Saturday night, right?
It's like she's just calling
to see if I have a date.
- So she doesn't just call--
- Ohh!
Are you okay, honey?
Is it getting hot in here?
I don't think so.
I'm just feeling
really weird.
Are you okay, honey?
There's so much
f***ing bread here.
F***. F***.
Ohh!
Isn't it hot
in here, Katie?
Little something
called Spanish fly.
Eric, are you okay?
I have way too many
teeth in my mouth!
You might need some help.
- Hi, how are you?
- No!
What?
Sorry, Eric, there's nothing
I can do for you now.
What the f*** is that?
I'm gonna take you
to the Shrim Healing Center.
Come on.
You'll feel much better.
Excuse me.
I'm so sorry, everyone.
Shrim!
Come on in, my son.
Dr. Doone has you now,
and he's going to make you
feel all better.
- Where am I?
- Shh.
Quiet, my boy.
You need the healing
powers of shrim.
I can sense that.
Okay.
You're in a very bad place.
Now drop those pants.
Shrim!
How was your date?
Not so good.
Eric got sick.
Aw. That's too bad.
It must be
really unsatisfying.
Yeah. It was.
It's a little awkward,
isn't it?
- Yeah. I suppose.
- I'm so nervous.
Listen.
Want to go inside?
Okay.
Are you sure?
No.
Okay. Let's go.
Come on.
Step into
the tub, my son.
That's it.
That's it.
Everything's going to be
okay, Eric, my boy.
Dr. Doone has got you,
and he's going to give you
a nice warm shrim bath.
- What?
- All my boys have been
hiding the shrim
inside them for days now,
and they're excited
to finally let it out all over you.
- What boys?
- Come, my sons.
It's time.
Oh, look at them.
They can barely hold it in.
Shrim.
Shrim.
Shrim. Shrim.
Yeah.
Shrim.
Shrim.
Shrim.
Shrim.
- Ohh!
- Shrim.
Shrim.
My boys only eat
the finest, softest meat
so that they can
achieve a level of shrim
that's unmatched.
Shrim. Shrim.
Oh!
Let the brown,
foamy mess
wash all over you.
Oh, that's a beautiful thing.
Shrim, shrim.
This is the power of shrim!
Jeffrey?
Is that you, boy?
What are you doing,
Jeffrey?
Where's Papa Tim?
Is he inside?
Where are you going?
Hello?
What the f***.
- Sh*t.
- What's going on?
Eric, don't do anything
stupid here, buddy.
I should go.
Katie. How could
you do this to me?
- Eric, I'm so sorry.
- Hey, stop.
You listen to me.
I saved you from her.
She was nothing but dead weight, Eric.
She was making you soft.
- She was not making me soft.
- She was making you soft.
She wasn't making me soft.
She was making you soft!
She was making me hard.
Rock hard.
Sometimes,
when you're writing,
you just look for opportunities
to create moments
that take you
out of the scene
and just add--
add a joke.
The jag was that we were
doing "soft, soft, soft"
and sort of out of
nowhere we go "hard."
Boom! Laugh.
We fought
for a laugh track,
and they said, "No,
this is a feature film for the theaters.
A laugh track wouldn't
make any sense."
Think about it.
Eric, she was
making you soft.
She's taken your eyes off the game,
Eric, okay? We're here for Dobis.
What did you give me?
That wasn't Spanish fly.
in the book.
But I had to play it 'cause
I needed to save my friend.
You poisoned me.
- What else could I do?
- You son of a b*tch.
Motherf***er!
How could you do that?
No! No!
Guys!
- Jim Joe?
- Why are you fighting? Stop fighting.
Don't you remember
my poem about peace?
If you don't remember,
I'll recite it for you.
- Jim Joe!
- P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-peace.
P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-peace.
Come on.
Yeah, yeah.
Aah!
Like that?
Ohh!
You want some of this?
Oh!
Aah!
Why are you fighting?
Motherf***er!
No! No!
Aah! Ohh!
Say you're sorry!
- I'm sorry!
- Say you're sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry I poisoned you.
- Okay. It's okay.
- I'm sorry for everything!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no.
Listen, I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry.
You were looking out for me.
You were looking out for us
and the whole Dobis thing.
I know that now.
I'm glad you finally
see it that way
'cause I'm just
trying to help.
Yeah. I just have to
ask you one question.
Why'd you have to sleep with Katie?
You know I love her.
Well, to be honest with you,
the plan made me horny.
I had to empty my ball sack
into something.
That moist hole
must have felt so good.
Boy, you really do
love her, don't you?
I really do.
It's not gonna bother you
when you're making love to her
that my wick got
inside that hole?
Not at all, man.
There's something
special about it,
you being deep inside
like that.
Well, then, it will be an honor
to be your best man.
Come on down
to the grand re-opening
of the S'wallow Valley Mall.
I'll be there. My best friend
Tim Heidecker will be there.
I think you're gonna
like what you see.
Ooh, you're gonna like
the fake trees.
Ooh, you're gonna like
all our new stores.
Ooh, you're gonna like
meeting my new son Jeffrey.
My best friend Tim and I redid this
whole mall for you.
You got to come down.
It isn't gonna kill you.
Come on down.
- It's for Dobis' sake!
- I'm gonna murder myself
if you don't come down
to my new f***ing mall.
Come on down to the grand re-opening
of the S'wallow Valley Mall.
My dad told me this is
the coolest mall ever.
You think you know more than my dad?
Don't f***ing come, then.
It's the grand re-opening
of the S'wallow Valley Mall.
It's just off Route 35
right here in historic S'wallow Valley.
Where did you get that?
This guy named Bishopman.
He sends this to me.
He's been filling up
my voice-mail box for weeks
with crazy rants
about these guys.
But look at this.
We got them, Tommy.
We got them.
Earle, gather the men.
We found your boys.
We're gonna go get them.
All right.
Listen, guys,
on behalf of Dobis,
I want to say thank you
for all your hard work
in getting this mall
back in shape.
And I gotta say
something personally.
We're all
very proud of you.
Guys, tomorrow
is our big day,
and Dobis couldn't be
more jazzed about it.
But right now I want
to have a little fun,
with the permission
of my best friend Tim.
Muyo permissiono granted.
Taquito,
would you do the honors?
Here goes nothing.
On three, everybody.
One, two, three!
Taquito.
It's wonderful.
It's gorgeous, Taquito.
I worked really hard on it.
- We should make a wish.
- I love it.
Oh, Dobis, I wish
for this grand re-opening
0 fans
Submitted on August 05, 2018
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"Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 27 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/tim_and_eric's_billion_dollar_movie_21916>.
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