Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie Page #7

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to be the greatest grand

re-opening of all time.

I wish that Tim Heidecker

remains my best friend

- and I get to marry Katie soon.

- Hmm.

I forgot about that wolf.

I know what to do.

I will need some duct tape

and some pizza.

Eric, I don't feel

good about this.

Taquito, be careful.

Mama Wolf!

Taquito.

I have some nice pizza

for you.

Remember when

we had pizza?

Hi, Mama Wolf.

Remember your baby boy?

I have to ask you

a little favor.

It's time to go

back to the--

Taquito!

He's gone.

Must have snapped that

neck on the way down.

- He saved the mall.

- Tell you what, Taquito.

We're going to change

the name of the pizza court

to the Taquito court,

do you hear me?

Goodbye, boy.

I miss the sh*t

out of him already.

- Taquito!

- Mr. Weebs?

What are you doing here?

I could sense my boy

Taquito was in trouble.

It's too late.

He's already dead.

He sacrificed his body

for the mall.

He's gone.

Taquito.

He's alive.

Uh, am I in heaven?

Taquito, you killed the wolf,

and you saved the mall.

You did just what you

said you'd do.

Uh, I did it.

I killed the wolf.

You did, my little boy.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm not gonna last long.

I'm in a lot of pain.

Oh, Taquito.

Would you like Uncle Damian

to put some lead in you, son?

It's so cold down here.

Put me to sleep forever.

Oh, Taquito.

I can't watch him die twice.

I can't do it. Sorry.

Taquito!

I'm still here.

Better try again.

Okay.

Taquito!

Now I can't feel my legs.

It won't be long now.

I can't take this.

Finish him off.

Damn it, Weebs,

shoot him in the face.

No.

I want my Taquito to have

an open casket funeral.

Ow. Ohh!

Come on, Taquito.

Just die, Taquito.

Come on.

Any minute now.

Maybe I won't be sick

in heaven.

He's dead.

Is he dead?

- Yeah.

- Good.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye, Taquito. Thank you.

That's it, then.

A little to the left.

Back a little bit.

That looks pretty good.

- It's great.

- Yeah.

You know what, Eric?

There's something I need to tell you.

I think you may

have been right.

I did some numbers

crunching of my own,

and there's no way

we're going to make

a billion dollars

running this mall.

I know. But you know what?

That doesn't matter anymore.

It's not about the money.

It's about you and me.

It's about your new son.

It's about Katie.

It's about the mall. I mean, we've

really made a difference here.

You know what? They probably forgot

about that billion dollars anyway.

It's just a billion dollars.

Hee!

I love this f***ing mall!

Come on.

- To Dobis.

- Hey, big news.

You have just been made

Dobis' employee of the month.

I want to live in this

f***ing mall forever.

Yeah.

Forever?

Do you forgive me

for sleeping with Tim?

I do.

There he is.

Ohh!

I hope

you never leave.

I guess we're gonna

be here forever.

Look, Dad,

our first customers.

I don't think those

are customers, son.

Let me take a look.

Sh*t. Schlaaang.

They found us.

All right, everybody inside.

Come on.

What's going on?

Listen up, Tim and Eric!

We have you surrounded!

And if you don't come out

in 10 seconds,

I'm gonna come in there

and blow you to f***ing hell!

Finally.

Good luck, a**holes.

Ha ha ha! Hey, guys,

it's me-- Allen.

I was the one who sent you the tape

telling you where to find Tim and Eric.

Sh*t!

- Eric, look out!

- Oh, God!

Okay, okay, listen, maybe--

maybe I overreacted.

You think there's

some common ground here--

I like you-you like me

kind of thing?

Tim, we need

a Dobis-sized idea stat!

Okay, hold on now.

Hold on. Let me think.

- Come on! Think!

- Come on, Tim.

- What's going on?

- Ah, I got it.

Reggie, hey,

come on in.

Come here,

come here, come here.

- How's everything?

- Good.

Family good?

- Yes.

- Okay.

So, listen, we got

a little thing out here.

It's not really a big deal. But if you'd

go out there and talk to them,

maybe knock some sense

into them, Reg.

- Nice.

- You're a reasonable man.

They're reasonable men.

You could go out there

and tell them

to put their guns down.

Would you do

that for us, Reg?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

do it, do it.

Dobis needs you,

Reg. Please.

You'd be hitting it

out of the park for us

if you did it, Reg.

- I can do that.

- Will you do it? Oh, good. Thanks, Reg.

Why don't you go ahead

and do that now, then?

Dobis thanks you, Reg.

Hi.

My name is Reggie.

I think we should all

take a moment here

and reassess the situation

because there are a lot

of good people in there

and I would hate

to see any of them hurt.

Fire!

No.

How do you like that,

Tim and Eric?

Huh? Ha! Ha!

Aah!

That didn't work.

Sorry.

We're doomed.

What is that smell?

I pooped my pants.

Oh, Allen,

that's disgusting.

Look, I'm sorry that

I tattled on you two.

I shouldn't have called.

I just thought they were going to give

you a slap on the wrist.

Smell's getting in my eyes.

Wait a second.

I have an idea.

Allen, you go

back to your store

and bring as many swords

as you can carry.

Okay.

You're all gonna

die in there!

Here you go, guys.

As many as I could muster.

Thanks so much, Allen.

These are great.

Oh, you're welcome.

You're welcome.

Anything for you.

I am a team player.

- Oh. This one's nice.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's one

of my favorite ones.

I personally sharpened

that one-- aah!

That's for

betraying us, Allen!

- Nice.

- Thanks, man.

You know this is it.

I know.

I gotta say it's been

one hell of a ride.

- To Dobis.

- To Dobis.

Katie, I have something

to say to you now.

You know you're the love

of my life, right?

Yeah.

Ever since I met you,

I wanted to consummate that love.

I wanted to go deep inside

you without a condom

and explode in

your canal. Psssh.

Grow a little baby

up in there.

Start a family.

So I have to ask you this

one important question.

Will you marry me?

Hey, Eric, where'd you

get that big diamond?

I got it on the "Diamond Jim" set.

I got tons of them.

Oh, yeah, I got a ton

of them diamonds, too.

I got, like, a billion

dollars' worth of them.

Will you make me

the happiest man on earth?

Yes, I do.

- Katie!

- No.

Nice shooting, Tommy.

Really, really good.

My love.

No.

Schlaaang!

Eric.

We doing this?

Hells, yeah.

Ah, sh*t, come on.

Take them out!

Okay, listen, I need you

to do something for me.

It's not going to be easy,

but I know you can do it

'cause you're my little boy.

You're the best son

I ever had.

Hey, Schlaaang!

Shoot the kid!

We did it.

We did it, buddy.

We really did it.

Well, what did you think?

As Steven Spielberg,

I approve of this movie.

And let me say this is the greatest

film of all time.

- Yeah.

- Let's celebrate.

Yay!

Tim and Eric

have done it, yeah

They made their movie

that they wanted to make

You can tell by the smile

on their faces

They got what they shot

And then they put it

in the can

"Tim and Eric's Billion

Dollar Movie" is done

It's over, it's over,

it's over, oh, yeah

"Tim and Eric's Billion

Dollar Movie" is done

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