To Grandmother's House We Go Page #5

I knew my system worked.

Rhonda! Rhonda!

-Meet me at the window.

-What do you want?

Meet me over here.

Rhonda, meet me at the door.

I'm coming up.

I'm here. Open up.

What? What?

-Rhonda.

-What?

I have to get some water.

You ran all the way back here

for a glass of water?

Okay, I can talk now.

Rhonda, I was a jerk and an idiot

and a moron.

I know all that.

Okay, but what you don't know is,

I wanna help find your girls.

Since when?

Since I was just thinking about all the fun

that I'd had with the girls.

How we went for ice cream,

and we bought a lottery ticket...

...and it's a winner.

Wouldn't you know it?

That ticket must be in one of their purses.

You greedy little worm.

-Hello?

-Hi. Rhonda Thompson?

-Yes?

-Rhonda, it was the craziest thing.

I found your girls sitting in the back

of an FPD truck.

You found my girls?

They found the girls?

How about those little purses?

-Are they okay?

-You kidding? They're playing Whack-a-mole.

Hey, girls, say hi to your mom.

-Hi, Mom!

-We got enough tickets for yo-yos.

Can't we get the paddleball?

Next time, Harv.

Rhonda. Rhonda, just out of curiosity...

...is there a reward involved here?

Reward?

I was hoping it might be $10,000?

$10,000?

You don't want a reward,

you want ransom.

-We'll get the money.

-Eddie.

Tell that guy it's a deal.

I'll meet you at the rink at Edgemont...

...at 3:
00. Wear a red hat

so I know how to find you.

And don't tell the police about this,

or I just might get lost.

All right, no police.

Just take care of my girls.

They're happy as clams.

Oh, and speaking of clams...

...I would like my reward in cash.

See you tomorrow.

Wow! I broke the record!

Shirley, I got the best score today!

Harv, we're on a roll.

-I should call Detective Gremp.

-The woman said no police.

I know a way to get my hands

on the 10 grand.

But you gotta trust me.

-You better come through for me, Eddie.

-Hey, have I ever not come through for you?

Except for that losing-your-kids thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Here's me at my high school reunion.

I didn't graduate, so I had to sneak in.

Here's me and Shirley

on our very first date.

Our parole officer fixed us up.

Oh, here's a good one of you, Shirley.

I look okay.

Those were taken after our second date.

We went dancing,

then we tried to knock over that store.

You tried to knock a store over?

No, we didn't try to " knock it over,"

knock it over.

-We were holding it up.

-Why, was it falling down?

Not "holding it up," holding it up.

Okay, let's give the think tank a rest.

Time to grab some shuteye.

Into bed, you two.

Okay, bedtime.

-ln bed.

-Hey, chop-chop, you guys.

There we are. Now, the bathroom's here.

Refrigerator's full if you get hungry.

-Good night, Sarah. Good night, Julie.

-Good night, Harv. Good night, Shirley.

-Good night, girls.

-Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.

That was sweet, Harv.

My dad always used to say that.

We really had bedbugs,

so it's not like he was trying to be sweet.

Well, we got work to do.

-No bedtime story?

-What do you expect?

We're sleeping on a table.

Couldn't you just eat those kids up?

Hey, let's rob a toy store so they'll have

something to play with when they get up.

No. Too risky.

I'll let them play with the VCR, teach them

to pry the serial numbers off. Kids love that.

Honey, how come we never had kids?

Because we're criminals, sweetheart.

That's just our job.

And I'd make a great dad.

You'd be a terrific mom.

Oh, yeah,

we're a regular Ozzie and Harriet.

Okay, this one is clean

and priced to move.

-Stop wiggling.

-Stop breathing on me.

-Give me that.

-Give me this.

-No, you give me this.

-I'm gonna tell on you.

No, I'm gonna tell on you.

I wish I was in my own bed.

Me too. I miss Mommy.

I miss Mommy more than you.

I don't think so.

I hope she's having a good vacation.

So do l.

-Good night, Julie.

-Good night, Sarah.

And behind door number two...

...prizes and merchandise

worth over $10,000.

I don't know what you did...

...but I got a bad feeling about it.

Don't feel bad. We're gonna raise a ransom

the way the FPD bandits would.

We're gonna open these packages,

find the good stuff, and hit the pawnshops.

Eddie, this isn't right.

-Those are other people's Christmas presents.

-Rhonda, do you realize how happy...

...these people would feel if they knew

by giving up one present...

...they'd be helping a mother

be reunited with her daughters?

That's what this season's all about.

It's giving.

You are so full of it.

I know.

But I'm desperate.

I'm gonna list every present we open.

We're gonna make it up to these people.

I was just about to suggest that.

It's like we share the same brain.

Okay, come on. Let's get to work.

-Yeah.

-CD.

Another fruitcake. Who eats these things?

-Are you sure this is gonna work?

-Of course it's gonna work.

-Just let me do the talking.

-We're in big trouble.

You got a bad attitude.

Over the river and through the woods

To Grandmother's house we go

The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh

Through the white and drifted snow

Over the river and through the woods

Oh, how the wind does blow

It stings your toes and bites your nose

As over the ground we go

Come on, Shirley, sing with us.

Over the river and through the woods

To Grandmother's house we go

We'll have lots of money

And me and my honey

Will move to Hawaii, and we'll be rich

We'll never have to work another day

And we'll be very happy

Finally happy

Papayas and lots of sand

And fun and water--

-That's not how you sing it, Shirley.

-No.

I am an elf. I wrote this song.

Over the river and through the woods

To Grandmother's house we go

-Four and a quarter. Give me 400.

-I say three.

-Give me $400.

-No, I say three.

-You give me three?

-No, I say two.

-You said three.

-No, I said two.

All right, $200.

We're still 12 dollars short.

Alrighty.

Now we're only 2 dollars short.

Great.

This is ransom, not bus fare.

We don't need exact change.

Do you want a powdered doughnut?

Never mind. I'm out of doughnuts.

Got some powder left.

Okay. How about a Flintstone vitamin?

I think I already ate all the Dinos,

but I do have some Barney Rubbles.

Pass.

Okay. Listen, Rhonda...

...everything's gonna be okay,

because we're gonna get your girls back.

We have to.

I need a red hat.

A red hat?

Well, you came to the right place.

See, I call this my little

cowboy hall of fame.

And this is my

"salute to Roy Rogers" corner.

This hat was worn by Dale Evans when

Dale, Roy and Trigger were grand marshals...

...for the '77 Rose Parade.

By the way, that was the best Rose Parade

they ever had too.

There you go, ma'am.

Say, you look mighty fine.

What are you,

some kind of cowboy wannabe?

I'm a cowboy gonna-be.

See, Rhonda, when I spin that wheel

and I win the big jackpot...

...I'm going to buy a big ranch

in Montana:

The Lazy E.

-E stands for Eddie.

-Figured that.

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