To Grandmother's House We Go Page #6

Well, here, take a seat right here.

Let me explain something to you.

Rhonda, this city...

...is nothing but a big, concrete ant farm.

You're losing me.

And I'm just a delivery ant trudging along

with a fruitcake in my mandibles.

You lost me.

Okay, just forget about that ant thing,

all right?

The point is, when I look out that window,

what do I see?

Big skies, fresh air,

purple mountain majesties?

No, Rhonda, I see this.

Look, there. You lucked out.

It's feet-picking day.

Hey, Earl.

Come on, let's get my girls back.

Eddie, I'm losing my mind.

Yeah, about six feet tall.

Blue eye.

Is that them?

Yeah, that's them.

-Where now?

-Turn left up here.

We're early. Sure you don't wanna hear

some more Roy Rogers?

No, thank you.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Merry Christmas.

Don 't forget to be on line

for the pony ride...

...and the puppet show.

Don 't get shut out, kiddies.

Come on, little girls and boys....

Do you see the girls?

Now, just relax, all right?

You're with Eddie Popko.

Everything's gonna work out just fine.

Smooth move, Eddie.

I'm sorry, officer. It's my fault.

Lucky it was just a tiny little ding. Actually

adds a bit of character, don't you think?

Well, it is Christmas Eve.

I guess I don't have to shoot you.

But I might if you

don't laugh at my jokes.

You got me there.

Okay, you kids have fun.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas to you.

You have a nice day.

That was close.

Last thing we need are cops.

You know that fax you sent out?

Well, I think I found your FPD bandits.

Keep an eye on them till I get there.

On my way.

Will do. Over and out.

I live for this stuff.

Don't you guys know any instrumentals?

Hope these bandits aren't late.

I gotta be back at 6 to spin that wheel.

What if they can't find us

with all these red hats around?

I can take care of that.

Just hold the money.

All right, everybody. Now, listen up!

There's no red hats on the ice! Okay.

Thank you. Thank you. The rules are

to protect everybody, remember that.

Thank you. Sir, you should be

ashamed of yourself.

You should set an example for your kids.

Thank you. Thank you.

Is that everybody? Wait a minute,

you're not gonna sneak by me.

-I ought to....

-Hey!

Remember, you can pick

your hats up here...

-...in the snowman when you're finished.

-Hey, what about that red hat?

The only red hats allowed are

red cowboy hats.

I think you're okay, ma'am. All right.

Now, nothing can go wrong, okay?

Everything already went wrong.

What kind of mother makes her girls

run away from home?

They weren't running away.

They were simply just giving you

a little vacation.

-You don't know that.

-I do, because the girls told me.

You're too hard on yourself.

You're a good mom.

And it's gotta be really rough

raising two kids all alone.

Heck, I can barely take care of me.

How did things get so messed up?

I had my life all figured out

until my husband took off.

Now, he's the one who blew it.

He lost you.

You're just saying that

to make me feel better.

It's working.

Good.

Come on, let's skate.

Police business. Where's the carnival?

-Right up that street.

-Thanks. Get out of the way.

Oh, sure, put up a stop sign anywhere.

All right. All right, now, step on the gas.

Let's go.

I thought we were going to Grandma's.

She lives right down the street.

Now, don't bust a balloon.

I just gotta run a little errand

at the ice-skating rink.

Harv, why don't you take the kids

on a pony ride.

Sarah, Julie...

...would you like to go on a pony ride?

No. We would like to go to Grandma's.

Now they're making fun of me, right?

Right.

Come on. Come on, we'll go on the ponies.

I can smell them from here.

-We want Grandma! We want Grandma!

-We want Grandma! We want Grandma!

-We want Grandma!

-We want Grandma!

Kids.... Kids....

Kids, will you stop that please?

We're not going to Grandma's.

-We're not going to Grandma's?

-No.

We're gonna ride the nice horsy.

Hey, we get on this real nice horsy.

This is Buttercup.

Isn't he a pretty horsy?

Harvey is a liar.

-Harvey is a liar! Harvey is a liar!

-Harvey is a liar! Harvey is a liar!

All right. Okay, all right. I'm a liar.

But it's not my fault.

This was Shirley's idea.

If you don't take us,

I'm gonna tell on you.

Yeah, who you gonna tell?

Your boss. Santa Claus.

Now, as long as we're getting everything

out in the open here...

...I'm not really an elf.

Is Shirley an elf?

No. Shirley's not an elf either.

This is unbelievable.

It's after 3. Where are they?

-Miss! Miss! I love your red hat.

-That's her.

-We'll be right there.

-lf she drops anything, don't pick it up.

-I've gotta get my skates off.

-Take your time.

-We want Grandma! We want Grandma!

-We want Grandma! We want Grandma!

-You can stop waving.

-We're not waving back.

They're just having fun.

You are a liar!

He is not an elf.

Elf, huh?

Like none of you have trouble

with your kids.

How do we get to Grandma's?

Not on Buttercup.

We need help.

Santa can help.

Where did the kids go?

Sarah? Julie!

Buttercup! Where did they go?

How would I know?

This is not a real sleigh.

That's okay. There's no real snow,

so Santa doesn't need a real sleigh.

He also doesn't need new skis

or a season pass he paid 600 bucks for.

Why are you so cranky?

You need a nap.

You're telling me?

What can Santa do for you?

Fly us in the sky to Grandma's.

And bring us Princess Penny.

How about a picture with Santa instead?

Only 4 bucks.

No. We need a ride.

And Princess Penny.

Okay. Somebody want

to get their kids here?

There's nobody here to get us.

You two are here alone?

I'll get help. You stay here.

-Where are my girls?

-They're fine. Don't have a cow.

I got their things right here.

-It's their stuff, I see the purses.

-ls that the reward money?

Ten grand in cash.

Now, real slow, lady. I give you the money,

you give me the purses. On three.

That money is for my girls.

-Of course it is.

-Hey, where are those girls, anyway?

Coming right up.

Here's the ticket.

We have just enough time to get back.

-ls that the reward money?

-It's all here.

-We gotta give it back.

-No, we don't.

-Yes, we do.

-Have you lost your mind?

-No, pumpkin, I lost the kids.

-What?

-You lost my girls?

-I couldn't help it.

I don't know what happened. One minute,

they were on the ponies and happy.

The next minute, they just disappeared.

I think they were upset

because I told them we weren't elves.

You told them we weren't elves?

What is the matter with you?

-lt slipped out.

-Lunatic. Because there's holes up here!

-You're Mr. Pinocchio. A wooden head!

-lt was dumb. You are not helping.

-We gotta find my girls.

-Right. I gotta be back by 6.

That money is all you care about, isn't it?

You've got your ticket. Here's your hat. Go!

-Julie! Sarah!

-Come on, Shirl, we gotta help.

When is it gonna sink in?

We're the bad guys.

I keep forgetting.

Sarah! Julie!

Hey, hey, there's our money.

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