Torch Song Trilogy

Lunch is on the table!

Arnold!

Where is that kid?

Aah!

Aah!

Ha ha ha!

Oh! Arnold, what | are you doing in...

I think my biggest problem | is being young and beautiful.

It's my biggest problem | because i've never been

Young and beautiful.

Oh, i've been beautiful, | i've been young,

But never the twain | have met.

Not so as anyone | would notice.

A shrink acquaintance of mine | believes this to be

The root of my attraction | to a class of men

Subtly described | as old and ugly.

He's underestimating | my wheedles.

See, a ugly person | who goes after a pretty person

Gets nothing but trouble,

But a pretty person | who goes after a ugly person

Gets at least cab fare.

I ain't sayin' i never | fell for a pretty face.

But when les jeux | sont faits,

Give me a toad | with a pot of gold,

I'll give you | three meals a day.

Ain't no toad | when the lights go down.

It's daylight | you got to watch out for.

A thing of beauty | is a joy till sunrise.

There's another group

You got to watch | your food stamps around.

The hopeless.

They break down | into three major categories--

Married,

Just in for the weekend,

Terminally straight.

Those affairs are the worst!

You go into them | with your eyes open,

Knowing all the limitations, | accepting them maturely.

Then wham, bam!

You're writing letters | to dear abby

And burning black candles | at midnight.

And you ask yourself, | "what happened?"

I'll tell you. | You got what you wanted.

The person who thinks | they're mature enough

To handle an affair that's | hopeless from the beginning

Is the same person that keeps | gothic romance publishers

Up to their tragic endings | in mink.

What do you think? | Gorgeous, huh?

Give me a break. | It's still under construction.

For those of youse | what ain't yet guessed,

I am an entertainer,

Or what's left of one.

I go by the name | virginia hamm.

Ain't that a kick | in the rubber parts?

You should hear some | of my former handles.

Anita mann.

Fonda boys.

Claire voyant.

Fay ways.

Bang bang la desh.

Yeah. I'm among the last | of a dying breed.

Well, once the e.R.A. | And gay civil rights bills

Have been passed,

Me and mine will be swept | under the carpets

Like the blacks done | to amos, andy, and aunt jemima.

That's all right.

With a voice | and a face like this,

I'm not worried.

I can always drive a cab.

You know, there are easier | things in life

Than being a drag queen,

But i ain't got no choice.

See, um...

Try as i may,

I just can't walk in flats.

Ha ha ha!

You know, there was | one guy once.

His name was charlie.

He was everything | you could want in an affair

And more.

Oh, he was tall.

Handsome.

Rich.

Deaf.

The deafness was the "more."

He ain't never | yelled at me.

Never complained | if i snored.

All his friends | was nice and quiet.

I even learned me some | of that deaf sign language.

Oh, i...i remember some.

"Cockroach."

Means "f***."

Oh, this here's | my favorite.

Means "i love you."

And i did, too,

But, um...

Not...

Enough.

You know, in my life,

I've slept with more men | than are named or numbered

In the bible,

Old and new testaments | put together.

And not once has someone said, | "arnold, i love you."

That i could believe.

And i ask myself, | "do you really care?"

You know, the only | honest answer

I can give myself is "yes."

I care.

I care a great deal.

But not enough.

Who writes the words | and music?

For all the girlie shows?

No one cares?

And no one knows?

Who is the handsome hero?

Some villain always frames?

Hey?

Who cares if there's | a plot or not?

When they got | a lot of dames?

Ladies and gentlemen, | please welcome to our stage

Bertha venation!

Yay! | Yay!

What do you go for?

Go see a show for?

Tell the truth?

You go to see?

The beautiful dames?

And now, the queen | of delicatessen,

Virginia hamm!

You spend your dough for?

Bouquets that grow for?

All those cute | and cunning?

Young and beautiful dames?

And now, seores | and seoritas,

Please welcome | marina del rey!

Dames are temporary flames?

To you?

Dames, you don't recall | their names?

Do you?

And now, | bigger than broadway,

Marcia dimes!

But their caresses?

And home addresses?

Linger in your memory?

Of those beautiful?

In your memory | see those beautiful?

In your memory?

All those | beautiful dames?

Ladies and gentle men,

In order to be a real dame,

You've got to kneel | before a queen.

Ha ha ha!

Ah ah ah ah?

What do you go for?

Go see a show for?

Tell the truth, honey?

You know you go to see

The beautiful dames, | darling.

Oh, miss dimes, | you are flawless.

Ladies and gentlemen, | wait till you see my act--

"Bertha venation

And her dance | of the virgins."

Which she does | completely from memory.

B*tch.

Bbbbrrrrrr!

You spend | your dough for?

Bouquets that grow for?

All those cute and cunning?

Young and beautiful dames?

Kiss her quick. | She's carmen.

Dames?

Those gorgeous dames?

Are temporary | flames?

Are temporary flames?

To you?

Dames?

You don't recall | their names?

Do you?

But their caresses?

And home addresses?

More!

Linger in your memory?

Of those beautiful?

In your memory?

Of those beautiful?

In your memory?

Of those beautiful?

Dames?

Dames?

Dames?

Dames?

Slender or curvy?

Sweet, shy, or nervy?

There is nothing | as divine and beautiful?

No sun can shine | like beautiful?

Bring on that line | of beautiful dames?

Dames?

Dames?

Give me a line | of beautiful?

D-A-M-E?

Dames?

[Whistling]

I love a line | of beautiful?

Dames?

You need a lift?

Great, thanks.

Going straight home?

No. Let's get a beer.

What's the dish?

Men.

My life's work. | What's the gripe?

I ain't got one.

I've got three.

Good night, ladies.

Night-Night, dear.

I swear that queen | gives me gas.

Oh. Ha ha ha!

Let's go to the stud | for nightcaps.

And a quickie | with some stranger?

Count me out.

It's very relaxing.

I want more | out of life

Than meeting | a pretty face

And sitting | on it.

Graphically put.

I never enjoy sex | with someone i know.

Our lady | of high standards.

Cab! Night, girls!

Night, bertha! | Night, bertha!

Aaaah, hot pants?

Huh?

That's where it's at?

That's where it's at?

Hot pants?

Smokin'?

Hot pants?

Smokin'?

Take your fine self home?

You look much better | with time?

My fever keeps growin'?

Girl, you blowin' my mind?

If you're thinkin' of losin' | that funky feeling, don't?

You got to use | what you got?

To get just what you want?

Hot pants?

Smokin'?

Ha ha ha! | Ha ha ha!

Come with me.

I know what to do.

Hot pants?

Make you sure of yourself?

Aah! Aah!

F***ing faggots!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

You god damn faggots!

Get lost!

I am tired, | and i want to go home.

One drink. | One look.

I'm not goin' | in that back room.

Who asked you to?

Wake up, maggie?

I think i got | somethin' to say to you?

It's late september?

And i really should | be back in school?

I think i feel | the call of the wild.

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