Trailer Park Boys: Don't Legalize It Page #4

soon as humanly possible.

Okay, thank you very much.

Bubbs, check that out.

Holy f***! Decent!

It's a 1977 Volkswagen camper van.

Solid body, man.

New paint, no rust,

man, mint condition.

Thanks a lot, man. Good work.

- You're dismissed.

- Yes, sir.

- Hop in, man, check it out.

- Wow!

- F***, this is cool.

- Look at this thing.

All those appliances back

there, they work perfectly.

Man, this thing is loaded.

- F***.

- Wow.

Does this fold out

into a f***ing bed?

As soon as we're done

the job in Montreal,

I'll take you to your

mom's place in Kingston.

How many people are going to pay

you $6,000 for two days' work,

and then give you a camper

van on top of it, huh?

I'm treating this like

a working vacation man.

Well, I guess the writing

of the wall says it all.

I'm going to Ottawa, you

guys have a safe trip.

Ricky, I haven't decided I'm going.

Well, I can pretty much tell

what you're gonna f***in' decide.

This thing is f***ing amazing!

It's got its own fridge!

Julian! This is the piss wagon!

I have to go to Ottawa,

and I think the problem

is, Julian's jealous of me,

because, you know, I'm doing

really good with weed, and...

I'm going on this quest. I'm kind

of clearing my head about my dad,

and I'm kind of doing it for my dad, and

I can't let them f***ing legalize this.

And I think Julian's jealous

that I'm doing so well.

I've got these quests on the go that

he's trying to lure Bubbles away from me.

"Bubbles, you can't go to Ottawa with

Ricky, you can come with me to Montreal,

make all this money in piss, and I'll

give you a free f***ing camper van!"

That's all my stuff out of there.

I shouldn't be gone more

than three or four days, tops.

Yeah, that's cool. The

cats are in the house.

- Okay.

- Where ya going, anyway?

I'm just going, you know...

I got work to do, out of province.

With Julian?

- Yup.

- Look Bubbles, be careful okay?

- Don't go to jail or anything.

- Jail? I'm not planning on going to jail.

Well, nobody plans

on going to jail.

Anyway, take care of yourself.

See ya.

Don't talk back to him, let

me do the talking. Let's go.

- What the f*** do you guys want?

- We want to talk to the man.

Side door, dummies.

Tell Grandma I said hi, or konnichiwa,

or sayonara, or whatever the f*** it is.

You got company Cy,

Lahey and Randy.

What the f*** do they want?

I got cash, Cyrus.

I need a favour.

Well I got cash too, and

I don't need no favours.

A lot of cash, Cyrus.

- Frisk 'em.

- You got it.

Back up, up against that

fence, hands over your head.

- F*** off...

- Turn around, kiss the fence!

F***!

- Stand still, f***!

- Easy, Sam.

- Hands off the groin.

- That's what I get paid for, man.

F***ing doing, Sam?

- We're clean!

- Randy, what the f*** man,

you're making me look

stupid in front of Cyrus.

Why didn't you call

for an appointment?

- Okay, boss, they're clean.

- Well, let them the f*** in.

Working for Cyrus? It's pretty

f***ing good, let me tell you.

I watched his back when we were in

prison, he said he'd take care of me.

He works for Kraft Dinner, and

that's... fairly inexpensive.

Not here to f*** with you,

Cyrus. I want to talk business.

- Take a seat, Jimmy.

- Thanks.

I hear you and Julian

are getting along well.

- Where the f*** did you hear that?

- I'm not trying to make a point,

I'm just trying to say that it's

nice to have peace in the park.

- Right.

- Yeah, I was...

I always considered you to

be a very sensible and...

Cyrus, I'm going to level with you.

I was hoping you could do me a favour

and I could do you a favour sometime.

What makes you think

I would do you a favour, Jim?

Cyrus, I uh... I want to

tell you the truth about this.

Doctor told me I...

I had to give up drinking.

And I'm going to need something

to help get me through,

- 'cause, I'm in a lot of pain, Cyrus.

- Right...

I'm looking to buy a large

quantity of good cocaine.

One time, safely,

enough to get me by.

I can't drink anymore, Cyrus.

I don't know what the f***

you're talking about Jimmy,

- 'cause I don't deal in coke, never did.

- Well, I heard that...

F*** what you heard, Jimmy!

I never sold coke.

Never did, never will.

Those are just dumb-ass stories people make

up 'cause a guy's making a little bit of money.

Sam, pick up the bag, pack up the car and

get these dummies the f*** out of here!

Taking a little road

trip to Montreal are you?

Never mind where I'm going,

Jimmy, get the f*** out!

- Sam, pick up the bag!

- Get the f*** out of the way.

- Come on, let's go!

- You f***in' sh*t!

- Get the f*** out, Jim!

- Get out of here, both of you!

Cyrus, if I f***ing see

you back in the park...

Get... F*** off!

F***in' weirdos!

What the f***'s he want?

- What the f*** do you want, Sam?

- Sorry about the rough stuff, boys.

Okay, listen, as long as we keep the boss

out of it, I can get you anything you want.

- You wait right here, I'll be right back.

- Don't you worry.

Randy, guess what I got.

I got Cyrus' map. What's

this? Terry... Jules!

Julian's cellphone number, Randy.

- I thought this was about Ricky.

- Trust me, it is.

Randy, we talked over

my feelings for Julian.

I mean, who cares

if he goes to jail?

Well, I'm responsible for

taking the product, you know,

when it arrives in

the big containers

and putting it into the

little... the little test tubes.

You know, and eventually you're going

to have to get your pee tested, so...

that's where Julian comes in.

You know, $60, $70 for some clean

piss to keep your job, that's nothing.

Can't beat military grade, man.

Yeah, she's clean.

This is f***in' bullshit!

F***!

Jacob showed up here

today highly intoxicated,

trying to deal with his problems.

We gotta talk about something.

Is your dad cool with

the seven day, $70 rental?

He's agreed to rent it, but he

wants to know what the trip is for.

Tell him we're going to

a convention or something.

What about your father's credit

card and driver's license?

Yeah, I got 'em.

Now, we're probably not even

going to use these, okay?

They're just for emergencies,

okay? So don't worry about it.

Alright, Bubbs, give him a hand

bringing in the rest of the jugs.

Let's get the piss, Jacob.

There is no more, I got caught.

I'm being dishonourably

discharged from the military,

for security breaches,

and collecting urine.

Oh no, Jacob.

Okay, this isn't a big deal.

How am I going to tell my dad?

You can't brag about your son

when he got caught collecting piss.

You don't tell your

dad anything, okay?

He needs to know nothing.

Just focus on this mission.

This is the big leagues.

If you ever need a letter of

recommendation, you come to me.

- You cool?

- Yeah, it's cool.

Okay, you're dismissed.

Julian!

He just lost his f***ing career

for you and you don't even care.

- He knows the f***ing risks.

- The risks?

Do I know the risks? Maybe

I don't know the risks.

Hey, we're not going

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