Urbania

Man:
No.

Hear any good stories lately?

Let me see

if I know any.

Oh, I got a good one,

and this one

really happened,

I swear.

It's another example

of the universe saying,

"Just when you thought

you were safe.

Just when you thought

you had it all under control...

wrong place, wrong time."

No.

No. No!

Just give me a second

to figure out the ending.

URBANIA:

Don't you start with me.

Sh*t.

No, I won't sink

to that level.

Pussies hold,

you got 60 seconds.

Woman:
Yum.

My favorite...

mystery meat.

Yeah, isn't it a little...?

Yes, it is.

Hold on.

Atta boy.

Of course I have something

in position.

You're done.

You a broker?

Commodities.

Got any inside skinny?

You wanna talk business?

Talk down to me.

Okay.

What have you

learned so far?

That I can't control

the market.

Just listen to your body;

it's a disciplined investor.

About your kidney...

taxable fund.

One gets over taxed

you got another one

to start all over again.

And then there's

my favorite...

the emerging markets.

Only risk

what you're willing to lose.

Like my daddy said,

"You get some battle scars,

they make great war stories."

Woman:
They took his kidney,

left him cold,

wet and bleeding.

Man:
Uh huh.

What? It's true.

I love this city.

Someone's always got it

worse than you.

It's true.

Man:
Did you hear

any good stories lately?

Woman:
You hear so many

horror stories

about what's going

on out there.

What is your story?

Hey.

F*** you.

Hey, that's what I eat.

Woman:
You know,

I heard this story

about this friend

of a friend of mine...

Man:
I know this one.

Remember the 50s?

People were f***ed

back then doing it

and just as high.

Up the ass in the mouth...

You want some gum?

Why?

Take it.

We got to get the kids

to the country

where they'll be safe.

I have to go up.

Why?

- This happened.

- Uh huh.

What if I finally found

that thing I can't get through?

Wouldn't that suck?

I'm sorry, this is your story.

Go ahead.

All right, I got a good one,

and this one really happened.

Woman:
So the vender

reaches in for a hot dog

and pulls out

a boiled rat.

Uh huh.

So I guess he lost his pet

chihuahua or something

and found him

in the cooker.

This sh*t happens

all the time.

What?

That's my way of keeping

sh*t from happening to me.

Some bull sh*t story.

Shut up.

It's true.

Something happen to you?

Don't worry,

I got everything under control.

- This happened.

- Uh huh.

It's true.

You hear so many

horror stories

about what's goin' on

out there.

What, it's just

a story, right?

Don't play games with me.

You think you got it

all figured out.

You don't know

sh*t about me.

What did you do?

It's weird.

I'm working graveyard now.

I can't sleep.

So I'm always going out

when everyone's coming in.

And today I felt like

I was going back

in time

to you.

Please pick up.

I'm calling like always

before to say that

I'm on my way home.

I really thought

you might be there.

Watch out, they're putting

infected needles in there.

One prick and...

Oh. Not exactly

the change I was looking for.

Hey, I got eight inches

and it's all for you.

- Hey.

- Okay,

if I get to keep it

when we're done.

Much better than, "Hey."

Gotta learn

to protect yourself.

Amen.

Where are you headed?

Oh.

Your life can change

in a second.

I know that.

You're never given anything

you can't handle.

Bull sh*t.

It's nice to meet you.

Man:
I don't go out

to go in.

That drag queen

is dragging me down!

Terry, baby, it's Sam.

Terry!

Terry?

- Oh. Hey.

- Sorry.

Listen, man, I have

never done this before.

I'm just trying

to get home.

I stopped in some

f***ing place over there

to get a brewsky...

No, really.

You know, and I got

to take a leak.

I go in there

and I assume the position.

I got my hands full, right?

And some mother f***er

comes in before I even notice.

This mother f***er is making off

with my wallet!

Get in the f***ing car.

I'm pissing on the wall

and my shoes and...

Mother f***er.

Yeah, man,

that's what happened.

So, yeah,

I'll tell you what.

Why don't...

here.

Why don't you write

your name address

on this little

piece of paper

and I'll mail you

the 10 bucks back?

You got a pen?

Hello.

Is it you?

Hello?

It's me.

I've called the police.

They don't care.

My boyfriend's

on his way over.

He's never getting there.

What do you want from me?

I want you to know

you're mine.

Neighbor:
No.

No! It hurts!

It hurts.

Leave me alone!

Belle, Sgt. Prowell,

60th Precinct.

We've traced the calls.

They're coming from

inside the house.

Get out!

Police, hold it right there.

Freeze.

Man:
Goddamnit.

Can you help me out?

I need...

I want to rep...

No, I'm...

You know what?

I'm gonna do this myself.

It hurts.

You standing guard?

Got a date?

If I get lucky.

If you get lucky,

good night for it.

Daylight savings time

ends tonight.

You get one hour twice.

Yeah.

I don't do good in winter

on account I'm so cold blooded,

just like my mother.

My mother,

if she saw me like this

she would just die.

Luckily she's dead.

Stay warm.

Yeah.

My mother...

Ain't you ever hear the one

about the lady a long time ago

who had this baby

and she was parked in this lot?

And she was doing her best,

she had her arms full

with the baby and the bags.

She put the baby

on the car roof,

and she put the bags

in the back, and got in.

And she left the baby

on the roof and forgot about it.

You hear that one?

No.

Well, that was my mother.

Maybe that's why

I'm a little...

you know, in the head.

Oh, I don't know.

It's a good story though.

Have you eaten?

Oh, God, yeah.

I ate a whole bag

of Pepperidge Farm cookies

and some Kellog's lightly

frosted bran flakes,

just an hour ago.

I'm still stuffed.

Here you go.

Take it anyway.

I gotta go.

Buy a bottle of something.

Hey, I'm on the wagon,

f***.

Don't forget to set

your clock back!

Uh, watch it, dick!

KARMA:

How are you doing

this evening?

Something I can get you?

I'm forgetting about you

at least twice a day.

Hey, come on!

Why would I hate you?

I hardly know you!

Here you go.

Looking for someone?

I'm going to wait.

Please.

In the meantime,

can I get you something?

I don't drink anymore.

Seltzer?

Bottle of spring water?

Anything?

- No, thanks.

- Juice?

What's your name?

My name?

Matt.

Matt, nothing, thanks.

Yum, thanks.

- Hey, Molly.

- Matt.

Here.

For taking up space.

You're waiting?

Yeah.

For this um...

this guy.

Something happened and...

You don't

wanna hear this.

It's all right.

No, this isn't

that kind of bar

and from the looks of things

you're not that kind of bartender.

That kind?

Oh.

Probably not.

Probably?

Uh, not.

Listen, I hold no objections

to human needs.

Oh yeah?

We've all been there...

the heart racing,

pulse beating,

penis throbbing.

Oh.

Hey, look, you know,

I don't know you,

you don't know me.

You don't know what my story is.

Too true.

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