Vampire's Kiss

I got up, took a shower,

made myself coffee.

I kept telling myself, "I'll wake her up

after I do this or this little step..."

No, that's not true really.

I knew I was going to delay

waking her up for as long as possible.

What was it you really wanted?

I wanted her, same as always,

I wanted her to disappear.

I wanted her to be

the hell out of there.

And she got the hell out of there.

She took the hint. She woke up, you were

fully dressed, ready to go to work.

More or less, yeah. She took the hint.

And yet, just the night before...

You wanted her very badly?

Yeah.

I know. Really badly.

He can stretch himself...

He can stretch himself

from here to Ethiopia if he wants to.

- No. We said him already.

- No. The Rubber Man.

He's the last of the Fantastic Four

we've been searching for.

- The missing link, yes?

- No. We already said him.

Oh, look. There's a taxi. Taxi!

We are not in need

of coach service, my lady.

This is my kingdom, and my palace

is but two blocks from here.

- Come on.

- Be off...

Goddamn you, f***. Cocksuckers!

Be off!

You f***ing cocksuckers, fucks...

Fireball.

And the one

that's made of big brown stones.

That's Brownstone Man.

No. That's not his name.

It's Lighter Brown.

Maybe...

God, the telephone company.

How can I take home a girl

who works for the phone company?

Go on. Go home.

I'm the director of personnel.

She hires those incompetents. Oh, no!

What do you do, Mr. Wise Guy?

Literature.

Yes...

Yes.

- You play chess?

- Yeah, excellently.

Checkmate.

Does that mean you win?

All right, now. Just relax.

Right.

- Sh*t.

- Shoo.

"Shoo?"

There's a... Never mind.

- Did you get it out?

- Let's go.

If I'd known you had

a f***ing roommate...

Taxi!

Alva.

Yes, Mr. Loew.

All right, Frank Heatherton wants a copy

of the first contract he had...

for the sale of his short story...

Rattlesnake Hills...

to Der Spiegel.

It seems that's the first foreign sale

he's ever had...

and suddenly

he wants to frame the agreement.

Now, the story was sold in 1963.

And I know that's a long time

before either I was here or you were here...

but there is no reason why the agency

shouldn't have a copy of it.

I already looked in the files

under "Heatherton."

I looked under "Rattlesnake Hills"...

but I am asking you to go through

the entire Der Spiegel file.

It is a very fat file and nothing

is in order and it will take hours.

But it will be there.

Somewhere.

Please find it and bring it to me.

Yes, Mr. Loew.

Peter, Joel Reznick on 0-2.

Mr. Loew?

Mr. Loew, are you there?

Starting with your earliest years

when you...

somehow were taught to expect...

something that wasn't even

halfway attainable.

Peter.

- Well, I guess my time is up.

- We have a couple more minutes.

You know...

lately...

you have always been telling me

when our time is up.

And I just wonder if maybe...

Does it make you feel a little insecure

when I'm saying...

- Well, what?

- Nothing.

I was remembering...

I brought this girl up to my place

the other night.

Really hot, you know.

And we're on the bed.

Suddenly, this bat comes swooping down

out of nowhere.

A bat?

Holy sh*t.

But this really happened.

This part, I don't know if this really

happened or I dreamt it later.

I mean, I'm fighting this bat off all alone,

and I'll be damned if I didn't get...

Really turned on.

- You were aroused?

- Yeah.

But you said just a few seconds before

you were in the throes of passion.

- I know.

- So then you were aroused.

- With the girl?

- Yes, with the girl.

Oh, sure. Absolutely.

But then she left the room and I was...

I mean, I came down.

I was in mortal combat with a f***ing bat!

Gimme a break.

Wait.

You were fighting off the bat...

and that's when you had

this new feeling?

Then, yes.

That is the precise order of events.

And on that note...

- See you on Tuesday.

- Bye-bye.

Alva, I didn't see...

Did you find that Heatherton contract?

I checked in the back files

under "Heatherton"...

and "Rattlesnake Hills," like you said.

But I couldn't find it.

I guess I'm gonna have to look

under the Der Spiegel files.

I told you that I already checked

those files. I already checked them.

Sorry. I must have misunderstood.

I'm gonna get right to it.

- I don't know. Maybe.

- I really believe it.

It's inconceivable to me

that you liked that.

Inconceivable? Jesus Christ.

I must be a real disappointment to you.

My name's Gary. What's yours?

I don't save the amount

I put in the other account.

Let's say I put $2,000 in the IRA.

That doesn't mean I'm gonna save

$2,000 at income tax time.

It's more like $700. Right, Peter?

Yeah...

Plus, I get interest on the $2,000

in the other account.

Who would be interested?

I think I'd like to be the carpenter

in Raise High the Roofbeam.

Did you get that joke?

No.

I love your earrings.

Thank you.

I'm Peter Loew.

Rachel.

God!

Okay.

Yes.

Yes.

Who are you?

It's all right.

You chose me.

What a glorious Sunday.

How nice not to have to go in to work.

No comments on my coffee, please.

If you don't like it, I'll send out.

I do it all the time.

Well, do you like it?

I gotta take a piss.

Hello, you have reached Peter.

I am not in at the moment,

but if you leave your name...

your number and a brief message...

I'll get back to you

just as soon as I can. Thank you.

Yeah, well you can forget about

getting back to this girl.

You son of a b*tch.

You don't just walk out

on somebody like that. You bastard.

Don't you ever call me again.

You f***! F*** you!

Well f*** you, too, sister.

So. How was your weekend?

It was all right. You know.

It was nothing earth-shattering.

Did you hurt yourself?

Just cut myself shaving.

Well, Peter...

why don't we begin

where we left off last week?

You started to tell me

about this strange feeling you had...

when this bat flew through the window

of your apartment.

The feeling of exultation

that you experienced.

You made it sound as though

it were something more than sexual.

I don't...

really know what you're talking about.

I don't remember.

You were very sure about it last weekend.

It made a very strong impression.

Yes. Okay. I know.

I guess I was pretty horny.

Pretty keyed up

from being with the girl right before.

I was drunk, too.

That was it.

I'd had a little to drink.

I was a little drunk.

Plus I was horny.

And have you seen this girl again?

No.

Frank Heatherton on 0-3.

All right. And Judy,

send Alva in here right now.

Yes, Mr. Loew.

All right, Alva. That's Frank Heatherton

on the phone. For me.

I'm sure he's calling

about the Der Spiegel contract...

which he still hasn't gotten.

How do I know

he hasn't gotten a copy of it?

Because I haven't sent it to him.

Why haven't I sent it to him?

Because you haven't found it

and brought it to me yet.

It's f***ing Tuesday.

I still don't see it here.

I don't see it here. Do you?

Alva?

No!

I'm going through the files.

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