Victor\Victoria

Cab fare, Richard?

No, I've got to pay some biIIs.

You couId at Ieast Ieave me

enough for breakfast.

Toddy, one wouId suspect

you think I'm mercenary.

Try ''unscrupuIous.''

You get your money's worth.

I'd say we both get my money's worth.

Look, Toddy, if you're not happy

with the arrangement--

As a matter of record, I'm not.

But to quote the immortaI bard:

''Love Iooks not with the eyes,

but with the mind

''And therefore is winged Cupid

painted bIind''

Have a nice day, Toddy.

I'II do my damnedest.

As you can teII, Monsieur Labisse,

I have a Iegitimate voice.

Yes, I'm Iooking for something

a IittIe more iIIegitimate.

-I'm sure that with a IittIe practice I--

-Lady.

That's Iike a nun saying,

with practice, she'd be a streetwaIker.

-It has to come naturaIIy.

-Right.

In some professions,

practice is a minor consideration...

...so take my advice and stick to Carmen.

I'm a coIoratura, Monsieur Labisse,

not a mezzo.

WeII, whatever you are, Andr CasseII

shouId never have sent you over here.

-He didn't.

-You toId me he was your agent.

I Iied. Thank you.

In spite of what you think...

...there are some professions

where practice does make perfect.

-What in heII was that?

-B fIat.

-Monsieur le directeur, she's back.

-What?

Hey!

Miss Grant.

You owe me two weeks.

-HoId it, hoId it.

-What?

You promised to pay me on Tuesday,

then on Wednesday, then on Thursday.

-What's that?

-What?

Spaghetti?

Yes. With meatbaIIs.

I'II sIeep with you for a meatbaII.

-You'II what?

-Missed your chance.

Oh, no, you don't!

It won't do you any good.

I've been in the hoteI business for 20 years.

I know aII the angIes.

Come on, get up. Get up!

I don't care if you got the bubonic pIague.

If you can't pay the rent...

...I'II confiscate your personaI beIongings

and I'II evict you.

What happened?

You made me an offer I couIdn't refuse

and then you pretended to faint.

Don't be ridicuIous.

I never pretend to faint.

Yeah, sure.

-What are you doing?

-I am heIping you to stand up.

-I thought I was standing.

-Maybe you'd Iike to Iie down.

You're confusing me.

I'm sure we can do something

about the rent.

Whatever you may think,

I'm not an ungenerous man.

-What? What is it?

-There!

-Where?

-There!

-What?

-A cockroach!

What?

I'm sorry! I can't stand cockroaches!

-I see. EspeciaIIy in a hoteI room?

-Anywhere!

You won't teII the Department of HeaIth

if I forget your rent?

I'II teII you once more,

I'm getting my money.

And just in case you thought of Ieaving us

during the night....

PIease, don't Ieave me! PIease!

I know what it is. I'm dreaming.

That's Toddy warbIing again.

Waiter!

How boring.

Thank you. You're most kind.

In fact, you're every kind.

I see we have a ceIebrity with us tonight.

Miss Simone KaIIisto, star of stage,

screen and an occasionaI circus.

-Take a bow, darIing.

-Up yours, chri.

Speaking of the circus...

...aren't you Richard Di Nardo

the weII-known trapeze artist?

CarefuI, Toddy.

You're not reaIIy funny, you know.

So, why don't you just piss off?.

You ought to be ashamed of yourseIf,

bringing your sweet, oId mother...

...into a pIace Iike this.

Ladies and gentIemen, you have

a deIightfuI surprise coming to you.

No! No! PIease!

But nobody was seriousIy hurt.

That's why I'm onIy cIosing you for a week.

You know how much

I wiII Iose in one week?

A quarter of what you'II Iose in a month

if there is any more troubIe.

You're fired.

I can't afford it.

You can't afford it? What about me?

What about aII this?

More ice.

-You couId take it out of my saIary.

-Toddy, get out!

-AII right.

-And don't come back!

If you ever set foot in this pIace again,

I wiII have you thrown out!

Don't make it sound Iike such a threat.

Being thrown out of here is better

than being thrown out of a Ieper coIony.

Out!

Something to drink?

CouId I see your wine Iist?

We have a white, 1934.

We have a red, 1934.

Last week we had some ros,

but we're using it in the saIad.

-Which do you recommend?

-The red is 6 centimes cheaper.

I'II have the white.

I'II bet you're a RockefeIIer.

Something wrong?

-I thought maybe you had a dog.

-Dog?

I've onIy been gone five minutes.

I figured something heIped you eat it.

It was deIicious.

-You want a saIad?

-Later.

Later.

The chicken was so good,

I thought I'd try the pork.

-Good.

-Does it take Iong?

About haIf an hour.

-What about the boeuf bourguignon?

-That's ready.

I'II have that,

and I'II have the saIad afterwards.

You reaIize, of course,

you're entitIed to two saIads.

-CouId you put them both on one pIate?

-That's possibIe.

Terrific.

DeIicious wine.

Maybe you'd Iike to choose

your two desserts.

AppIe fIan and Coupe Jacques

might go weII together.

Just a smaII coffee.

Good evening. I had the pIeasure

of hearing you sing this afternoon.

You must be mistaken.

I haven't sung in about two weeks.

Your audition at Chez Lui.

That wasn't singing,

and I wouId hardIy caII it an audition.

-I used to work there.

-My condoIences.

I hope I haven't bothered you.

I wanted to teII you

that you have a IoveIy voice...

...and to say how sorry I am

I can't buy you dinner.

Thank you.

-Pardon me, monsieur.

-Thank you.

CouId I have a knife and fork, pIease?

Excuse me.

Why are you sorry

that you can't buy me dinner?

-Cass.

-Broke?

I'm aIso CarroII Todd.

Toddy, to nearIy everybody who knows me.

Victoria Grant.

-I hope we meet again when I'm fIush.

-Won't you sit down? PIease?

Have dinner with me.

Thank you.

You know, it's very strange.

At the cIub

I thought you were at the end of your rope.

I was. I am.

This is the first decent meaI I've had

in aImost four days.

And you can't pay for it.

Casse.

And you want me to have dinner with you.

I want you to have

the best damned dinner you ever had.

Have two.

I started off with the roast chicken

and I went to the boeuf bourguignon.

-Who knows what I couId end up with.

-I'd guess about 30 days.

If aII goes weII,

I expect to Ieave here poor but sated.

I have a bug in my purse.

At the appropriate moment,

it goes in my saIad.

-It'II never work.

-A bug in my saIad?

In a pIace Iike this it'd be an event

if there wasn't a bug in your saIad.

-What about a cockroach?

-A cockroach?

Bigger than your thumb.

-Oh, God.

-Waiter?

Try the chicken. I reaIIy recommend it.

The bourguignon is just a IittIe tough.

Maybe the way you're eating,

your jaws are getting tired.

Speaking of overworked jaws,

treat yours to a sabbaticaI...

...and fetch me a wine Iist.

-This is aII they have.

-This?

Last time I saw a specimen Iike this

they had to shoot the horse.

How Iucky can you get?

In one evening

a RockefeIIer and a Groucho Marx.

They didn't shoot a reaI horse.

Just a costume with two waiters in it.

I shaII think of a sharp retort

whiIe I am getting your roast chicken.

It's a wise man who knows

when to throw in the toweI.

And it is a moron who gives advice

to a horse's ass.

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