We're Not Married!

---

In a field where they lay

keeping their sheep

On a cold winter's night

That was so deep

- Noel

- [ Woman ] Well, what do you think?

I don't see how we can

do much better than that.

- Oh, come on. I'm tired shopping.

- Okay.

Born is the King of Israel

Say, I wish we had some rice.

- Why, you hungry?

- You know what I mean.

It's bad luck without rice.

Well, you don't have to worry about

the old shoes. I'm wearing them.

-Judge Bush?

- Uh, uh, yes.

Won't you come in?

It's pretty cold out tonight.

It sure is.

We, uh, we want to get married.

- Married? Really?

- You don't disapprove, I trust?

Oh, no, not at all.

I should say not.

They want you to marry them, Papa.

Oh, me?

Oh, yes, of course.

Well, come right in.

This is Mrs. Bush.

- How do you do, Mrs. Bush.

- Good evening.

- Merry Christmas to you.

- Thank you, Mrs. Bush. The same to you.

- Yes.

- Oh, look at the little cat. Hello.

- Let's see now. You said you

want to get married.

- That's right.

- You mean now?

- Well, anytime within

the next four or five minutes.

Oh, splendid. Now, if I could

just find those certificates I have.

I had them around here this morning.

- Um, what do you call them, dear?

- Licenses, Papa.

Oh, yes.

Here, I think these--

Yes, here it is.

Here's a brand-new pad--

''Marriage License.'' Uh, one or two?

- Uh, two people, one marriage.

- Yeah.

- One, I think, Papa. It is one, isn't it?

- Well, don't you know?

- Uh, may I see?

- Yes, go ahead.

Yes, this is it.

- Yes. Yes, you see, there's a place for you...

- Yes.

- and there's a place for him.

- [ Chuckles ]

- Now, would you sit down here

and fill it out, please?

- Oh, certainly.

- Now, here's a pen.

- Thank you very much.

That's all right.

I've got a little black book around here

somewhere that tells the whole thing.

I saw it around here

this morning somewhere.

- I beg your pardon,Judge.

- Yes?

May I ask you how long

you've been in this business?

- Oh, about, uh, three or four hours.

- Hours?

Yes. A man brought the letter

about 6:
00, uh, 6:30, didn't he?

- 6:
3 5 exactly.

- Oh, yes.

- Oh, it was like a beautiful

Christmas present.

- Yes.

- Wasn't it, dear?

- Yes, indeed.

- What sort of letter?

- His appointment. He's just been appointed.

- This is his first marriage.

- Yes, my very first.

- Oh, say.

- Steve?

Yes?

- Age?

- Forty-four.

- Color?

- Pearl gray.

- Here it is.

- Oh.

Yes, this is it. Thank you, Mama.

Now we're all set.

See, signed by the governor.

Governor Bush is Judge Bush's nephew.

Really? But are you sure you know

how to marry people?

Well, it's, uh, it's all right here

in the book. What's to stop us?

I don't know.

What do you think, honey?

- You mean try another one?

- Why not?

Oh, no. Please.

What good would that do?

Everybody has the same book.

But they know where

to look in the book.

They don't have to go fumbling around

through the index to find out

how to get started.

Please don't go. This is our first marriage.

And on Christmas Eve.

I believe it would break my heart

if we failed at it.

We're not blaming you, Mrs. Bush.

But we can't afford to take any chances.

If we're married by tomorrow, we have

a chance at a top radio program.

It's a breakfast show. And we'll be a fine,

wholesome, young American couple...

having a bit of good, clean, nauseating fun

over the bacon and eggs every morning.

- Oh.

- However revolting this may appear to you...

it means a very pretty penny to Miss,

uh, Goody Two-Shoes and to me.

And besides,

we love each other.

That's right too.

We naturally wouldn't want anything

fouled up right here at the post.

Who's gonna foul it up?

All I got to do is read it out of the book.

Well, I'm sorry, but this

is my first time out too.

And I think I'd rather have it handled by

somebody who's already up on the part.

- Wouldn't you, doll baby?

- Would you really like to see

an old hand take charge here?

May I see the book?

Page 46.

- Uh, we'll need another witness too.

- Oh, that's right.

- It starts right about there.

- Yeah, I see.

- For Heaven's sake, you're right.

- Hey, you, take off your coat.

You're not being married

in a pool room.

- Say, how do you know so much about--

- Don't ask. You got the ring?

''My friends, we are gathered here

on this occasion--''

Hold it,Judge.

Wait till I give you the cue.

Oh, um, come along. Come along.

Right under here, huh?

Uh, you stay there, laughing boy.

[ Whispering ]

All right now, ''Silent Night.''

- Now all we need is--

- Silent night

Holy night

- Ready, White Fang?

- Ready, Panther Girl.

All is bright

Round yon--

Take it,Judge.

Take it,Judge.

Dear Senator...

your appeal for a pardon

for your brother-in-law--

[ Buzzes ]

- Yes?

- [ Woman ] Your Uncle Melvin's here.

Oh, really? Send him in.

Your grandfather's here.

- Hello, honey. How are you?

- Hi, Grandpa.

- How's Grandma?

- Oh, she's fine, I guess. I--

How are you, Uncle Melvin.

What brings you up here?

I don't know. Frank called me up

on the phone last night...

and told me

to be here at 1 1 :00.

- [ Buzzes ]

- Yes?

- [ Woman ] The attorney general's here.

- Send him in.

Here he is now.

How are you, Cousin Frank?

- You dope.

- You see, that's the way he was

to me over the phone last night.

This is a letter to my office from

the attorney general's office in California.

There's a woman out there named

Gryce who sued for divorce last week...

on the grounds of mental cruelty.

Her husband refused to pass the salt.

She had two eyewitnesses to the charge,

and so the divorce was granted.

- Gryce?

- It was a routine, open-and-shut case...

until it turned out there was no record that

they'd ever been married in the first place.

I seem to remember

that name from someplace.

All this in spite of the fact

that both parties swore in court...

that they had been married

at Gretna Green in this state...

by oneJustice of the Peace Bush.

Oh, I remember. That was the fellow

that gave me the 20 bucks.

Do you remember the date?

Not offhand.

But I got it right here.

I can look it up for you.

I know it was one of

the first couples that I married.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, here it is.

December 27.

Just a couple of days after Christmas.

What about it?

When did you marry

your first couple?

Well, that was the day

I got the appointment.

Christmas Eve.

How many couples did

you marry in that week...

between Christmas Eve

and December 31 ?

I don't know. Let's see. $96 worth.

It's pretty good, huh?

- Not how much. How many?

- Oh. Oh, uh...

let's see now--

one, two, three, four, five, six.

- Six couples.

- That's it.

- In one week, he laid six time bombs.

- How do you mean?

He jumped the gun.

The appointment was forJanuary 1 ...

and this clown began marrying people

before he had the authority.

Well, I got the letter

that said I was appointed...

and I thought it meant right then.

Didn't you even read the letter?

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