We're Not Married! Page #2

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Well, not all of it.

One down and five to go.

- What can we do about it?

- Nothing.

Just sit here and wait

for them to blow up.

Bang, bang, bang, bang-- one after

the other all over the country...

until one day one of them

hits the newspapers.

And then it'll be the biggest scandal since

that mink coat got into the White House.

Well, can't we pass some kind of a law?

- What kind of a law?

- Why don't we just write and tell them?

- Write who?

- The couples.

- And tell them what?

- That they're not married. That's all.

-Just like that.

- Okay, if you want to dress it up a bit...

just say somebody gummed up

the works and it's a misdeal.

- And then what?

- And let them take it from there.

- What about that?

- Won't work.

- Why not?

- Too simple.

As a matter of fact, I think it's

pretty good. Let me have that book.

Anyway, it's better than sitting around

here with our fingers in our ears.

You can keep that book. I got it all

copied down in another book anyway.

Good luck to all of you.

We can scratch the Gryces, and we'll

have five left. So that's what we'll do.

A nice, quiet letter on the

governor's stationery to each couple...

explaining the situation

and letting them take it from there.

Take this, will you?

Uh, Dear Mr. and Mrs. Blank.

Due to a most lamentable

misunderstanding...

the ceremony that

joined you in marriage...

was performed by

Justice of the Peace...

Melvin Bush...

before the authorized date

of his appointment.

Accordingly, we're

compelled to inform you...

that you are not legally married.

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Alarm Ringing ]

- [ Ringing Stops ]

- [ Thunderclap ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Thunderclap ]

- There's Mr. Gladwyn.

- Shall I?

- Go on.

- Mr. Gladwyn--

Mr. Gladwyn, I just want to tell you

what a great and wonderful thing...

you and Mrs. Gladwyn did for me.

My husband and I were-- well, for a while,

there was a little situation.

You know how it is sometimes.

But we're both great admirers

of your program. We never miss it.

And in the end, the example

you set to everyone...

with your great love and happiness...

it brought us together again.

Are you insane?

Morning, Henry.

## [ Whistling ]

[ Stops Whistling ]

Thank you

very much indeed.

- Boy.

- We have a wonderful script this

morning. Eight new sponsors.

When the revolution comes,

Mr. Graves, the first blow struck...

will be against programs that mention more

than 25 sponsors during the first 1 0 minutes.

Did you drop some flug in this cup?

No. But then, I didn't think of it.

What do you mean?

That's McKeester's Vita-Fresh,

one of our own products.

I know. We're gonna be arrested yet

for hustling this laundry juice.

Say, what happened to that fella?

Remember the-- [ Chuckling ]

Remember the fella tried that

breakfast food we recommended?

Is his widow still kicking up a fuss?

No. We're okay there, I think. We gave her

two tickets to the Doodles Weaver Show.

You can't kid me.

With all this muck we're peddling...

Mrs. Gruesome and I are gonna

end up in an electric love seat yet.

- Who are the new chumps?

- Well, we have Primoff's Preshrunk Piccalilli.

- Preshrunk by whom?

- They wash it first in alum, stupid.

If you don't mind,

I wasn't speaking to you.

- Now listen, blubberhead--

- Please, kids, not today. You promised me.

Well, then, tell him

to keep his big bazoo shut.

I ask for very little on this program.

Simply that Mrs. Gladwyn drop dead.

- I've told you--

- You've got to stop it, I tell you.

I can't stand it any longer. If you've

got to fight, fight at home, not here.

We can't fight at home.

We don't speak there.

I'll say one thing about

our marriage...

if there's such a thing

as an ''unjackpot,'' I've hit it.

I can't understand you two.

With the best Mr. and Mrs. program on

the air paying you 5,000 bucks a week...

why can't you figure out

a way to get along together?

Why, if it ever got out to

the papers the way you fight--

Who is the next on the list?

Next we have

Twombley's Miracle Skin Food.

- For those hungry little pores?

- It's the customary way.

I don't know how

other people feel about it...

but my pores are gonna eat

exactly what the rest of me eats.

I don't care

if they're starving, I am not--

May we have the next one?

Next we've got Pasternak's Factory

Tested P*ssy-willow Mattresses.

Know 'em well.

They're stuffed with cat hair.

They're the kind they hang on walls in

insane asylums-- And don't you say it!

Don't say what? I don't know

what on earth you're talking about!

- You were gonna make a crack.!

- I wasn't gonna say--

- You were gonna say something

about where I came from.

- Ramona, my dear...

- he never opened his mouth.

- Well, he was going to. I know him.

He never muffed a line like that in his life.

He never misses an opportunity.

[ Laughing Continues, Louder ]

- Who's dead?

- This is more like it.

Well, what's it say?

- [ Ramona ] Oh, no.!

- [ Steve ] Yes,yes.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Look. [ Laughing ]

Oh, it's like

a beautiful dream come true.

It's like sweet bells

across the countryside at twilight.

This is dreadful.

You'll have to get remarried at once.

I mean it!

This is a Mr. and Mrs. program.

You may not be happy, but, by Godfrey,

you're supposed to be married anyway.

Go away, little man, go away.

This news has unseated

this poor fellow's reason.

I'll have to see

Mr. Twitchell about this immediately.

- What a glorious day it is, to be sure.

- [ Thunderclap ]

If there were birds this high,

they'd be singing away like

a choir of Mario Lanzas.!

- Gladwyn. Let's get organized here.

- Yes, Mr. Twitchell?

What is all this nonsense about your

not wanting to get married again?

Well, it's true, sir. Heaven has finally

blessed our union with a little annulment.

Well, I'm afraid you'll

have to skip it this time.

We've got a nice set-up here, and if

you're not married, we're cooked.

They'd laugh us off the air

if our all-American couple...

blew a gasket in

the middle of the wheatcakes.

Check on a church or something

for these people to get married

again right away.

- Congratulations, folks.

-Just a minute there.

- Yes?

- You're a little ahead of

yourself, Mr. Twitchell.

- We're not getting married again.

- Why not?

Because Mrs. Gladwyn and I have built

too many of our hopes on this day...

to have our happiness destroyed

with the wave of a hand.

In addition to which,

I can't stand him.

What were you two doing before

we put this little bundle together?

Well, I was a news commentator with

a small, but highly regarded program--

The News Behind the News

Behind the News.

Two hundred a week tops.

And you?

I was the Blueberry Muffin girl

on WHAM.

One and a quarter at the outside.

And what are you getting here?

- Five thousand a week.

- See what I mean?

- You've forgotten one thing,

haven't you, Mr. Twitchell?

- What's that?

- The contract.

- What contract?

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