We're Not Married! Page #3

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A contract dated April 1 8 for five

straight years at five G's a week...

drawn up by the United States Broadcasting

Company and signed by Mr. and Mrs.--

That's it.

[ Clears Throat ]

Now I'll give you until noon to make up

your minds what you want to do next.

- You rockhead.

- Now just a minute--

You certainly handled

that one like a champion.

So why didn't you take over,

you're so smart?

You mean step in front

of Mr. Brains himself?

Yes. This is a free country.

We have free speech here.

- No one was holding his hand

over your mouth.

- Steve, please, we're on.

Now you keep out of this!

Who insisted that we sign

that contract Mr. and Mrs.?

I told you then we should

sign it individually. I told you--

What do you mean I insisted

upon signing it Mr. and Mrs?

It was your lawyer, that crook friend

of yours, who told me what to do.

I told you then it was

absolutely ridiculous--

Francis X. Moriarty is not a crook.

He's a very highly regarded Harvard man...

- and also one of the biggest

mouthpieces in New York.

- You're on, honey.

- and also one of the biggest

mouthpieces in New York.

- You're on, honey.

Holy Moses!

## [ ''There's No Place Like Home'' ]

9:
00 and a good good morning

to all America...

from that all-American couple,

The Glad Gladwyns.

From their cozy little nest

in the metropolis of dreams...

as American as mince pie

and sugar cookies...

Steve and Ramona Gladwyn bring you

at this hour every morning...

their own daily bag of fun,

gossip and helpful hints...

the latest from

the wonder world of New York.

So settle back for 1 5 minutes

of relaxation and diversion...

while we take you to the homey

little breakfast table of

Steve and Ramona Gladwyn.

- [ Ramona ] Good morning, darling.

- [ Steve ] Good morning, angel.

Oh, but you look so rested

this wonderful morning, sweetheart.

Yes, thanks to our luscious Pasternak

Factory Tested P*ssy-willow Mattress...

the mattress that takes

all of the guesswork out of sleeping.

So soft, so restful.

And only $1 7.50

at Muckenfuss Brothers.

[ Steve ] Yes. Only the hearts of

the tender p*ssy-willows are used.

- Breakfast ready, Macushla?

- Yes, Papa mia.

- Here's your coffee.

- Thank you, doll.

[ Slurping, Sighs ]

Ah, what coffee.

What aromatic fragrance. It must be--

- You're right, love.

- I knew it, I knew it.

Yes, it's McKeester's

Vita-fresh coffee...

the coffee with that locked-up goodness

for everybody, grind or drip.

Quick, precious, another cup.

There you are. [ Chuckles ]

- Ahh.

- Peach-fuzz, you've

spilled some on your vest.

Oh, goody. Now I can try some

of that little Panther Spot Remover.

No harsh rubbing.

Just spray a little Panther on

your vest and watch it eat the spot out.

And imagine, darling, a big,

two-ounce bottle for only $3.00.

Or if you are a messy eater, there's

the handy, economical 40-gallon vat.

Oh, darling, what juicy gossip

I have for our listeners this morning.

Stop, Ramona, don't you

dare move, Ramona.

- But, darling--

- What have you done to your hair?

That sheen, that brilliance.

Why, I did just what so many

society women are doing these days.

I went to Madame Yvonne's

Hairdo Heaven.

[ Steve ] It is divine. Your head

looks like the back of a bunny.

Madame Yvonne uses

a sensational hair dressing.

It contains that new

mystery ingredient-- chicken fat.

- Chicken fat?

- [ Chirping ]

[ Chirping Continues ]

Ah, our canary-- littleJascha.

My, but doesn't littleJascha

sound glorious this morning?

And I bet I just know

what he's saying too.

LittleJascha is saying, ''Thanks.

''Gee willikers,

Mumsy and Dadsy...

''thanks for feeding me that swell

Dr. Groober's three-way birdseed...

that comes in 1 5 and 25-cent

packages tailored to fit the beak.''

- [ Chirping ]

- And what a happy little

birdkin he is, to be sure.

And why not, Sugar? Jascha knows that

the paper on the bottom of his cage...

is New York's leading daily--

The Morning Record.

The Morning Record has 3 2 columnists,

28 pages of comics and no news.

Oh, excuse me, apple honey.

I have a letter here from Mrs. T.S. Button

of Moth Holes, Idaho.

Mrs. Button had a splitting

headache for 40 years...

till she heard of

Pepto-Bepto on our program.

Only Pepto-Bepto is

guaranteed to fizz twice--

once before you drink it

and once after.

[ Little Girl's Voice ]

Good morning, Mumsy and Dadsy.

[ Steve ] Why, it's our little

three-year-old daughter Irene.

Irene, pet, I love the way

your tooth is shining this morning.

Yes. I brushed it with Dr. Pratt's

Homogenized Toothpaste.

And what does Dr. Pratt's

toothpaste do, baby?

Dr. Pratt's Homogenized Toothpaste...

gets into your mouth,

rolls up its sleeves...

and really does a job

on your filthy old fangs.

-[ Steve ] Isn't she cute?

-[ Ramona ] Now run along to school, baby.

- Now, Papa, I want you to--

- Mama...

we don't have to send

their money back.

They're crazy about each other.

Yes, but I don't know if that's

the right way to look at it, Papa.

You can't just fool around

with people's lives like that.

This is a serious responsibility.

Now, if all these people

are not really married...

well, I don't know if it's

honest to keep their money.

Why should I send their money

back when they're just as happy

as if they were really married?

- But that's not the point, Melvin.

- Now, look, Mama...

when these people get that

letter from the governor...

they'll have a choice

that other people never get.

Now, if they like each other,

all they got to do is to say yes again.

And if they don't, well, it's all over

and that's the end of it.

Who else ever got a second chance

like that for a few bucks?

- Well, if you say so.

- People that lucky ought

to be sendingmemoney.

Well, that leaves four more couples

that you married that week.

- Well, who's next?

- Next--

Mr. and Mrs.Jefferson D. Norris

Senatobia, Mississippi.

Oh, yes. That was that cute, shy,

little girl and that jerk of a fella.

Why, he wasn't any jerk at all.

He just had a lot of foolish ideas about

who was gonna be boss in the house.

Yeah, that's what I said, a jerk.

But that little girl, wasn't she cute?

You remember how she blushed

about everything?

- [ Fanfare ]

- [ Applause ]

Mrs. Hattiesberg!

Mrs. Coldwater.

[ Applause Fades ]

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

the winner and new state champion--

Mrs. Senatobia!

- [ Applause ]

- [ Fanfare ]

[ Cheering, Whistling ]

- Like her?

- Boy, that's really something.

- My wife.

- Oh, I beg your pardon.

- Oh, that's all right. Keep looking.

- Much obliged.

Let's go.

Excuse me.

- Don't worry now, honey.

- Tell me, are you going to carry

this idea out in other states?

Oh, definitely.

Definitely in other states. Yes.

- Hi, honey.

- Hi, darling. Hi, sweetheart.

- I'll see you later.

- Come on, come on. The governor's waiting.

- [ Banging ]

- I'm coming. I'm coming.

Now open your mouth.

Open your mouth.

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