We're the Millers Page #2

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- Appreciate it.

Hold on one second. You guys

want anything? It's on me.

Replenishes electrolytes.

Don't want you cramping up

when you jerk each other off.

Nice meeting you.

Easy.

Easy. Oof!

Okay. I'm gonna hang out

here if that's all right.

Oh, thank you for that.

That's very helpful.

Oh! David Clark.

You're a hard man to find.

Take it easy on the plastic.

Whoa, Brad, what

the f*** is this?

Look, man, I was gonna call you back.

Do not kill me.

- I got robbed, okay. I swear. Brad:

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you...? What...?

Oh, the plastic?

Yeah, the plastic.

I've seen Dexter.

Buddy, I'm putting in a new

skylight, you idiot. Ha, ha.

You should have seen your face just now.

You sh*t a brick.

Well, what am I

supposed to think, man?

You've got these thugs throwing

a bag over my head. Come on.

I'm sorry about that. I

didn't mean to freak you out.

- It's fine.

- You do know I've killed people though?

Yeah, Brad, I know.

Ha-ha. All right, have a seat.

David:
Whoa, what

the f*** is that?

What? Oh, my orca? Yeah,

I bought an orca.

(SIGHS)

I make a lot of money.

David:
So you bought a whale?

Well, I don't like sports cars.

- Yeah, yeah.

- So where's my money, David?

Come on, man. We go back.

We do go back. But it's

not college anymore.

We're not selling lids

out of my dorm room.

And you owe me $43,000.

I told you, I got robbed, Brad.

They took everything I had, man.

This week's drop, 22 grand of my

money that I'd saved. I'm f***ed.

Listen, this is a f***ed-up situation. But

I might have a win-win for both of us.

- Great.

- I have a smidge of very choice...

...mari-ju-Ana down in Mexico...

...and I need it here

by Sunday night.

My regular courier is out

because he got gunned down.

That's where you come in.

You could be my mule. I

need someone I can trust.

Go to Mexico, bring it back by Sunday

night, not only will I forgive your debt...

...I will pay you a standard

courier fee of $100,000.

You're gonna give me 100 grand to

move a smidge across the border?

Smidge and a half. It's nothing.

Dude, I got rolled by the

f***ing cast of Annie.

I come walking in here and you ask me

to be an international drug dealer.

This is easy money, David. All you

gotta do is pop down to Mexico...

...go to this address, tell them you're

there to pick up for Pablo Chacon.

- Who the f*** is Pablo Chacon?

- I am.

(SPEAKS IN SPANISH

THEN CHUCKLES)

You don't get respect from Mexicans when

your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?

I mean, that's white in any language. See?

Big Bad Brad thought of everything.

I don't know. I don't think so, man.

This is way out of my league.

It's a federal crime.

If I try to cross the border with more

than a pound, you're talking like, um...

Twenty-five years in Mexican prison.

If you get a happy judge.

Yeah. Jeez. Not good.

- Although, you're forgetting one thing.

- What?

You don't have a f***ing choice.

Kenny:
So now you're gonna become

an even bigger drug dealer?

Drug smuggler, Kenny.

There's a difference.

You're probably gonna get

searched at the border.

No offense, you look like

a total drug dealer.

- No sh*t. Thanks, dude.

- You could wear a disguise.

- What?

- A disguise.

That's what I thought.

A disguise.

I dress up. What's the hot

Halloween outfit these days?

Bane from Batman? Someone like that?

Wear something over my face?

(AS BANE) There's no drugs in here.

You've got nothing to worry about.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Great idea.

(HORN HONKING)

Hey, pardon me. Hi.

Hate to bug you, but I'm trying to get the

fam to the zoo and I'm lost as all heck.

F*** off, real-life Flanders.

It's my fault. When it comes to reading

maps, I sure can be an old flibbertigibbet.

(WOMAN CHUCKLES)

Hey. No parking here, sir.

Perfect. F***ing tourists.

Oh, jeez. I'm awful

sorry, officer.

I don't know which way

is up around here.

No problem. Our city can

get confusing sometimes.

MAN:
Trying to find

our way to the zoo.

It's two blocks up that way,

take a left, two blocks...

Holy f***ing sh*t.

Thank you, d*ckheads.

(OVER SPEAKERS) Hey little

lady, don't you say maybe.

Rose, the guy at the bar

asked for you by name.

Treat him nice.

Baby, I'ma show you how to.

MAN:
Yeah!

Hi. I'm Rose.

- Hi. Hi.

- What...? Oh, please. No.

- No, Rose. Hey, Rose, Rose.

- No, no, no, no.

- Please. Listen to me.

- Duh, duh, duh, duh.

Ch-ch-ch-chuh.

You a**hole.

Don't worry. You don't have to

get naked and all that stuff.

- Unless you want to, you know. Oof!

- Mm-hm.

- F***.

- What do you want?

How would you like to spend 4th

of July weekend making 10 grand?

- What?

- Rose, listen.

All I'm asking is that you

go to Mexico with me.

All right? And then we drive

home together in an RV.

Rose:
Mm-hm.

- And that RV has some pot in it.

- Drug dealing?

No, it's not drug dealing. It's not.

No, it's smuggling.

- Are you out of your mind?

- Rose, listen to me.

Now, me crossing the border by myself,

huge red flag. Huge, all right?

But families, they don't

get a second look.

So, Rose, I need

you to be my wife.

That is the dumbest

thing I've ever heard.

Look, Rose, 10,000 bucks, and

your flight's already paid for.

You can't buy me.

I'm not buying you, all right?

I'm renting you.

Rose:
Hmm.

Like Pretty Woman.

Pretty Woman? She

was a prostitute.

And I don't trust you.

- What did she say?

- What the f*** do you think? She said no.

Cool. So I guess it's just us, then.

A little

father and son bonding

trip to Mexico.

Are you kidding? You and me alone in a van?

It'll look like the pervert Olympics.

No way. Absolutely not.

No, we need a girl.

And unless you can think of someone that

can leave town tomorrow, I'm f***ed.

I know a girl.

I don't get it.

What's in it for me?

I'm thinking a roof over your head, some

actual hot food. That'd be good enough.

I'm thinking 1000.

Fine, 1000 bucks, but that's it.

Great. And if we get caught I'll say

you drugged and kidnapped me. Cool?

Yeah, it's cool. Yeah, that's fine.

But that's it.

Kenny, meet your new sister.

This is great. I've

always wanted a sister.

- Get it off me. Get it off! Get off!

- Hey, come on. Let go.

- Come on. We gotta clean you up.

- What's wrong with you?

- Don't say that.

- I didn't mean to make her uncomfortable.

(OVER SPEAKERS) Wild child.

MAN:
Boner Garage!

Going all out Going for broke.

Oh, great. Rose, I'm

glad I caught you.

I wanted to go over a couple

of minor policy changes...

- ... that we have here at the club.

- Like what?

Todd:
Like, I want you to start having

sex with the customers for money.

What? That's totally

illegal, Todd.

Come on, what are you gonna do?

I gotta stay competitive with those

f***ers who opened up across the street.

You mean the Apple Store?

Yeah, and they're killing us.

Oh, God.

That's it. I can't do it.

I quit.

Did you hear the good news?

Now we get to f*** the

customers for money.

- Wha...?

- Boner Garage loves it.

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