We're the Millers Page #3

---

I'm out of here. I am out of here.

I quit.

F***.

F***.

(SIGHS)

(GROANS)

So, Casey, I guess it's nice

for you to get your hair cut.

Being homeless and all...

I'm not homeless, fucktard. I have a home.

But I left because my parent...

Shut up, okay? Please. I don't need to

hear your hard-luck backstory right now.

I rented Precious on Netflix eight months

ago and I still haven't watched the thing.

Here. You know what?

Just give me a little peace and quiet

and buy yourself some new clothes.

You know, the kind of stuff that loved

children wear. Not this garbage.

All right? Thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop.

You're fine. You already

like a total dipshit.

Here. You're gonna need it. You

look like Eminem from 8 Mile.

(CHUCKLES)

Go with her. Make sure

she doesn't steal it.

And stay the f***

out of Hot Topic.

WOMAN:
David Clark?

Okay, what are we doing today?

Yeah, I say, give me

something that says:

"I get up every morning at 5:30 and

commute for an hour to a bullshit job... "

...where my boss expects me

to kiss his balls all day...

...so I can afford to

keep my ungrateful

kids decked out in Dora

the Explorer sh*t...

...and my wife up to her fat

ass in self-help videos...

"... until the day I get the courage

to put a shotgun in my mouth. "

(MAN CLEARS THROAT)

Right here.

Yeah. That's it. That's the one.

All right.

Get a full body check.

(BEEPS)

(BEEPS)

Sorry.

Hi, you folks have

everything you need?

Oh, you betcha!

Yeah, we're heading out on a family vacay

here, you know? Off to see grandma, huh?

Well, you have a lovely family.

Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, this

is my son, Kenny Miller, right here.

- And my lovely daughter...

- Casey?

Casey. Casey Miller, that's right.

And I'm David Miller.

We're the Millers.

Yeah, now, you know, I got my hands

full here. Couple of kooky teenagers.

Yeah, I'm going through all those

typical teenage girl issues like:

Finals and college

applications...

...and am I gonna

get asked to prom.

Plus, I haven't gotten my

period in two months...

...which is really weird because

I've mostly just been doing anal.

(KENNY COUGHS)

Ha-ha-ha! Oh, that's enough.

Well, thank you for

your help, "Natalie. "

Take your seats, please.

You f***ing kidding me?

Rose:
I'm good. I got it.

Right over here. Thanks.

Thank you. Sorry.

- Honey! Hi! You made it!

- Mm-hm. Eat a dick.

- Sorry, sorry. Okay.

- Mm-mm.

- Wow, you look really, like...

- Don't. Just don't, all right?

Hi, Mom.

- Jesus. David:
Mm-hm.

And who's that?

Well, that's your daughter.

Casey.

Hey.

Rose:
Mm-hm.

I want 30,000 now.

- No f***ing way.

- Okay. Have a safe flight.

What? No. Okay. Fine!

Fine. Bloodsucker.

Mm. All right, happy wife, happy life.

Hi, kids!

- Make room for your mother.

- Okay.

- Hey!

- Whoa! No, I didn't...!

What the f***? Don't you ever

think that you can ever...

Family meeting. Let's go.

Get in the back. Go.

Kenny:
I didn't mean to.

- I don't care.

Casey:
He just hit me in the f***ing face.

- Will you march? No one wants to hear...

(WHISPERING) What the f***?!

Are you kidding me?

Oh, come on, relax, Dorothy.

Jesus.

We're not at the border.

Who cares what they think?

It's about not drawing attention

to ourselves, you little hobo.

Hey! Don't talk

to her like that.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Rose, relax, okay? The

only thing you need to worry about...

...is making them think you could

be someone's mother. Okay?

Are you kidding me? I can

do this sh*t in my sleep.

Excuse me.

Lord, we thank thee for the

blessing of this family vacation.

May David find his bliss and

bring us home back safely.

May Kenny and Casey fortify

their sibling bond...

...over the warm glow

of our devoted hearts.

And may this entire airplane

find safe passage...

...and a bountiful life.

Even the Jews.

- Amen. David:

- That was a good one.

That was beautiful.

- Oh.

- I wish my family was more like that.

Rose:
Oh, stop. Don't.

No, no, no. Come on. Come in here.

Hug it out. Don't you cry.

Aw, honey.

(MOUTHS) F*** you.

All better now? Okay.

Oh, and don't forget you can use Chex

Mix as a surprise casserole topping.

Adds that real special crunch.

- Wow, what a great tip.

- Sure!

Bye-bye.

Holy sh*t, where did

that come from?

It's five summers with my

Aunt Barb in Oklahoma.

That was amazing.

Calm down. It wasn't that great.

Ah, goddamn it. Brad said the RV was

supposed to be out here waiting for us.

Anybody sees a camper,

just let me know.

Whoa.

What the f*** is this?

This thing is ridiculous.

(ENGINE STARTS)

- Can you drive this?

- I don't know.

How fast does it go?

Why the hell are you

reading that thing?

Because I like it. It's fun.

It's informative.

"It's fun. " That's

your idea of fun, huh?

I have a VCR manual from the

'90s you should check out.

- I think you'd probably enjoy that.

- Fireworks!

Oh, my God, guys, look!

Fireworks! Hey! Fireworks! Pull over!

There's fireworks!

We're not pulling

over for fireworks.

- Oh, Oh, stern.

- What? It's Fourth of July weekend.

Don't be such a grumpy a**hole.

Pull over!

No. Absolutely not.

Oh, come on, I vote

fireworks too.

See? Even this loser wants fireworks.

Fireworks!

- Fireworks! Fireworks!

- The kids wanna see fireworks.

Casey & Kenny:
Fireworks!

Fireworks! Fireworks!

Okay, enough!

Enough! Let's get something

straight right now!

You are not my kids! Okay?

You are not my wife! And

we are not a family!

All right? This is a job!

We are not the Brady Bunch!

I'm Marky Mark and y'all

are the Funky Bunch!

- The what?

- I'm the boss. You hear me?

So cut the sh*t! Otherwise, I will

turn this RV around immediately!

And we will drive straight home.

No drugs for anyone!

This vacation sucks.

You...

It is not a vacation!

(ROSE LAUGHS)

(FIREWORK POPS)

There we go. You f***ing happy?

Come on.

David:
Here we go. Everybody

just be cool. All right?

Hey there!

You got the Miller family here,

reporting for leisure, sir.

We're just heading down

to Mxico way to do a...

Oh. Okay. Great. Fantastic. All right,

thank you. Take care, now. All right.

Whoo! Did you see that? I told you

this RV would work! We totally blend.

Rose:
Congratulations. You

just snuck into Mexico.

Casey:
What is this?

- A meth lab? David:

- It's Mexico, Casey.

Rose:
That's a donkey,

donkey, donkey.

- This RV blends right in, David. David:

- Will you calm down?

Rose:
This thing is ginormous.

I mean, it's ridiculous.

NAVIGATION VOICE: You have

arrived at your destination.

The route guidance

is now finished.

Are you sure these guys

are expecting you?

Rose, we're good. All right?

Now will you calm down? These are

Brad's guys. Nothing to worry about.

Open Sesame. Here we go.

Hey!

Hey, I think that guy

was in La Bamba.

Is that a little football over there?

That's fun. Soccer.

Kids are a good sign, I guess.

- Hey there.

- What is this place?

David:
Will you look at this? It's a

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote