We're the Millers Page #4

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cute little drug-dealing community.

They probably sell churros.

Will you relax?

It's fine. We're totally fine.

I'll run in, pick up a

duffel bag, a suitcase

or something and

we'll be on our way.

Hi. Now come on. See,

it's the welcome wagon.

Let me go talk to this guy.

Hola. Hola, big man,

me llamo David.

Yeah, I'm here to pick

up for Brad Gurdlinger.

- Oh.

- He's got a gun.

Rose:
- Oh, God.

- Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey!

- Oh, God. David:

- Palo Hacon! Palo Hacon!

Pablo Chacon?

(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

Pablo Chacon. I'm here to

pick up for Pablo Chacon.

You are the White Gringo with

the haircut of a donkey.

Uh, yeah. S.

Yeah. Yeah, mucho white-o.

Very, very gringo. Yeah.

- Who are they?

- Um, that's my "family. "

You know, uh, mi familia.

You know, helping me out

here with the deal. Yeah.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Yeah.

Yeah. I know, I can't

believe it either.

(ONE-EYE SHOUTS IN SPANISH)

(MOUTHS) Do you see his eye?

Jesus Christ.

(LAUGHING)

Come! Drugs now.

David:
- Okay, great. - What?

David:
That's great.

Let's do it. Okay.

All right, big fella, where's the smidge

of weed everyone's talking about?

(MEN CHATTERING)

- This is a little more than a smidge.

- Oh, dear.

Calm down. Okay?

We're gonna be fine.

Oh, yeah, sure, right.

All we're doing is smuggling two

metric tons of marijuana...

...across an international

border in a rented motor home!

I don't see what could

possibly go wrong! Ugh!

Okay, uh, I'm gonna make

a phone call real quick.

Kenny, watch the pot.

It's a great place.

F*** you.

(SAW WHIRRING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Brad:
Hey. Buddy.

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

I'm like an amazing sculptor.

- What are you talking about?

- I've been working all day.

It's an orca and he's breaching and

I'm balls deep in his blow hole.

What the f***?

Uh-oh, something wrong?

Yeah! Something's wrong. Something's

very, very wrong. Okay?

You said "a smidge of pot. "

This is not a smidge.

- Smidge and a half? No?

- No.

You got me moving enough weed to

kill Willie-f***ing-Nelson, man!

Okay? They're using a goddamn bucket

brigade to put it on the RV as we speak!

You walked in, told them you were picking

up for Pablo Chacon and they were like:

- "No problem!"

- Wait a minute.

Why do you sound surprised? You

told them we were coming, right?

Relax!

Everything's gonna be fine, man. I greased

the guard in Lane one at the border.

He'll let you breeze through,

I'll see you in the morning!

I'll even buy you brunch.

Can I change the

subject for a second?

If you get back and

see the sculpture...

...you're gonna look at it and be

like, "Whoa, those balls are huge. "

The balls are the only part that

are not anatomically correct.

Everything else is perfect.

But I made the balls a little

larger as a tribute to my manhood.

F*** you, Brad.

That's the David I love!

F*** you too! Come

on, let's do this!

Ha, ha! I'll see you soon,

my little drug mule!

Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw...

(PHONE BEEPS OFF)

Sh*t!

(WOMAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

Oh, no. Thank you. I'm good.

You reject my mother's gift?

I mean, I don't know whether

I'd put it in those terms.

- Shut up and take the fruit.

- Right. Got it.

Thank you, ma'am.

- (WHISPERS)

- You wanna get us killed? - What?

Namaste.

Casey:
Whoa.

I think Snoop Dogg would

f*** this fridge.

At least it keeps it fresh.

Well, as long as no one

sets foot inside the RV...

...looks through a

window, or weighs us...

- ... we should be pretty good.

- We'll be fine.

We're totally f***ed.

(ONE-EYE SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

(SIREN WHOOPS)

David:
Aw, sh*t. What

the hell is this?

Rose:
What's it look like?

It's a cop, genius.

David:
Be cool.

- Remember we're the Millers. Okay.

- Okay. Yeah. Okay. Cool.

- Oh. Buenos dias, officer.

- Hola.

I'm sorry if we were violating

some of your traffic laws.

You see, the family and I got into

a heated game of road bingo and...

- Cut the sh*t.

- I'm sorry?

I saw you leaving Pablo

Chacon's compound.

And we both know if I search

your mobile home, what I'd find.

Much prison time

for such things.

Yeah. Yeah.

But I don't feel like

arresting anybody...

...so I'll just simply take my

bribe and I'll be on my way.

Well, all right. Ha, ha.

This is what I'm talking about. Great!

How much we talking? 100? 200?

- One thousand.

- A thousand?

- Mm-hm.

- What, are you buying a house down here?

It's a lot. Um, we don't have that

sort of cash on us right now.

(GROANS)

You see, that's

gonna be a problem.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe you can offer me something else.

Say, uh...

...something a little

more personal?

- Oh.

- Oh.

I gotcha. Rose, suck his dick.

F*** you, I'm not

sucking anything.

Come on. Will you

be a team player?

- Are you f***ing kidding me?

- Will you stop being selfish?

Please, please, seora.

No need to be alarmed.

See, I'm, how you say, a man who

prefers the company of other men.

- Oh.

- Oh.

- David, suck his dick.

- Rose.

Five seconds tops.

Just cradle the balls.

Mm.

Come on, David. Be a team player.

You're gonna have fun.

Um...

Okay. Kenny! Front

and center, buddy.

Uh...

Kenny:
Okay, so what's the plan?

Go up there and pretend to and

then you're gonna jump him?

The plan is, um...

Here. Come here, come here.

Okay, um, let's see. You,

you're this bottle cap.

Right? And I am this

cigarette butt.

Okay, that's us. All right? Okay? He's

over there, right by this, that bush.

We'll make him the pebble.

You will go and meet him behind

the bush right over there.

You suck his dick, and

we get outta here.

- Okay? Bring it in, on three.

- What?! No!

What do you mean no?

What's wrong?

- Well, I'm not gay.

- Are you sure?

I mean, you never really

know until you know.

- No. I'm not gay.

- Okay. All right. Calm down.

Look, this gay panic

situation you're having

now, it's coming off

a little homophobic.

What, because I don't

want a penis in my mouth?

Exactly. It's exactly

what homophobic means.

Look, you go over there, you just, you

know, you pretend it's a girl's dick.

Any girl's dick you want.

Kenny:

- I'm not sure I agree with that logic.

- Look, listen to me.

- What is he saying to him?

- I have no idea.

All right? Just listen to me.

All right?

Come on, man.

This is your chance

to be the hero.

- I don't know, David. David:

- Don't do it for me.

Don't even do it for you. Do it for

the girls. For Rose and Casey.

Because, believe me, they won't

last two days in a Mexican prison.

- Okay.

- Attaboy!

- I'll do it for the girls.

- I'm proud of you.

Hey. What's going on?

Somebody sucking my dick,

or am I getting 1000 pesos?

No, he's gonna w...

- "Pesos"? Why didn't you say so?

- Mm-hm. A thousand.

Oh, well, that's like,

what, 80 bucks American?

Here. Here you go. A hundred.

Keep the change.

(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

Can't believe you were gonna suck

that guy's dick. Come on, let's go.

(DOGS BARKING)

MAN:
(ON PA) All vehicles, please

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