We're the Millers Page #5

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proceed slowly in assigned lanes...

...and prepare for

vehicle inspection.

(MAN ON PA SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Okay, here we go. This is it.

Kenny, grab the hats. Hurry.

You said the guard was just

gonna wave us through.

He will. But let's look the part so

the others don't get suspicious.

(HORN HONKING)

What the f*** does

this guy want?

I don't know. But he's honking.

- Hi!

- Just ignore them.

Okay, he's really honking and

it's making a huge scene.

I think he just wants to say hi.

Oh, my God. I don't

wanna say hi.

They're just waving. If

we just wave, he'll stop.

Fine. I'll say hi. Fine.

- Hi!

- Hi!

Howdy-doody! Quite a rig

you got there, amigo.

That is quite a rig you

guys have there too.

Well, thank you very kindly.

We do love her.

We don't take her out as often as

we used to when our girl was small.

It can be such a bear to carve out quality

family time but you gotta do it, don't you?

Yeah, David and

Rose Miller here.

Oh.

This is my daughter, Casey, right here.

And my son, Kenny.

- How handsome.

- Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Don Fitzgerald, my

smoldering wife, Edith...

...and our daughter.

Say hi, Melissa.

(EDIE LAUGHS)

MAN:
(ON PA) Lane one, please pull forward.

- Oh.

Sir. Sir, please pull forward.

I got a joint here.

- Shut down Lane one.

- It's medicinal.

- What'd he say?

- He has a joint.

That's it?

(ROSE GASPS)

- Hide it.

- Okay.

Get rid of it! Oh, my God!

Holy sh*t.

- Oh, that was so close.

- You have a baby!

- Oh, I love babies! Rose:

- Oh.

Oh, look at that gorgeous

little bundle of joy!

What's that beautiful

little baby's name?

- This is our little...

- LeBron.

- Name's LeBron. Rose: - Yup.

- Oh.

- A little French fella.

It's our little LeBron.

I was against the name at first, but

the missus has a real soft spot...

...for prima Donnas who'll

never be as good as Jordan.

I can't see the face.

- I'm dying to see his face.

- Sir, pull forward to Lane two.

- Oh, f***! Okay, put on the hats.

- You gotta pull over.

- Here we go. Rose: - Great.

- My God, I feel like a f***ing idiot.

- That's the idea.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Everybody smile

and follow my lead, all right?

I'm gonna take us to the promised land.

Here we go. Here we go.

(DOG BARKING)

Steady.

- Steady.

- Sh*t.

David:
Shh. Shh, shh.

I got this one.

Okay. Everybody just smile. Everybody be

cool. Here we go. Follow my lead. Ahem.

You bringing anything into

the United States, sir?

Yuh...

Sir, are you bringing any contraband

back into the United States?

David:
Um...

GUARD 1:
- Sir? - David!

(GUARD 1 SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

(BARKING)

Folks, I need you to pull over

and exit the vehicle, please.

- But...

- Sir, is that actually necessary?

I mean, these kids are

pooped and we've just...

I need everybody out of this

recreational vehicle immediately.

- I'll just put the baby down.

- We'll put the baby away.

Bring the child, pull over to the secondary

inspection area and exit the vehicle now!

- Okay.

- Good.

(BARKING)

(ROSE GASPS)

It's okay. It's all right.

It's okay, baby.

It's just a puppy.

Stand down.

All right. It's okay.

Before I search the vehicle, is there

anything you wanna tell me about?

Because after I

open that door...

...I can't help you.

Last chance. I'm gonna search

this vehicle top to bottom.

All right.

(MEN SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

We got runners!

(DOGS BARKING)

(GUNSHOTS)

GUARD 2:
We got runners!

Sorry to inconvenience you, folks.

This happens a lot.

You have a nice day.

Go. Go, go!

Ah. Well, that was f***ing easy!

(DAVID LAUGHS)

- Oh, my God.

- God!

Whoo! We did it!

Nicely done, Millers! Give it up!

Very good job. Here you go.

Rose! Yeah! David! There you go!

We are all officially international drug

smugglers. Add it to the resume.

Ha, ha. How about a little

victory music, huh?

(TLC'S "WATERFALLS"

PLAYING ON RADIO)

Oh, no, no, no.

- Don't change it. I love this song.

- Me too.

What? I didn't even like this

song when it was popular.

Come on, loosen up, David.

(INCREASES VOLUME)

(SINGING ALONG) Please

stick to the rivers.

And the lakes that

you're used to.

Don't do this.

What? This isn't even

a good victory song.

No, stop. We are not doing this.

This is embarrassing. Stop.

Ah, come on.

(RAPPING) I seen a rainbow yesterday But

too many storms have come and gone.

Leavin' a trace of not one God-given Ray

Is it because my life is 10 shades of gray

(MOUTHS) What the f***?

I pray all 10 fade away Seldom

praise him for the sunny days.

You claim the insane And

name this place in time.

For fallin' prey to crime, I swear The

system got you victim to your own mind.

Dreams are hopeless aspirations

In hopes of comin' true.

Believe in yourself The

rest is up to me and

(SINGING) Don't go

chasin' waterfalls.

- Whoo! Casey:

- Whoo, yeah, Kenny!

Rose:
Where did you

learn to do that?

David:
Yeah, whatever.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

(CROWD SHOUTING)

(GROANS)

(CROWD MURMURING)

Seor Chacon.

(ONE-EYE SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

We were not expecting you.

I decided to bring the gringo myself to

make sure everything goes as planned.

But the gringo has already

left with the shipment, seor.

What gringo?

The gringo with the

haircut of a donkey.

You mean this gringo with

the haircut of a donkey.

I have failed you, seor.

If you saw this gringo again

would you recognize him?

He was driving an

RV with his family.

Get in the car.

Oh, how fast are you going?

Calm down, I'm going the speed limit.

We won't get pulled over.

No, no. I mean, loaded down like

this in a 15-ton vehicle...

...going up a 10 percent grade.

Just use your head, David. I don't

think you think things through.

- What?

- Weight distribution loading and towing.

- See?

- Yeah, I do.

I thought this plan through.

- Seems to be working out.

- Oh, great.

(ALARM BEEPING)

David:
Oh, Sh*t!

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Seriously. God...!

Was this part of

your plan, David?

Damn it.

- Wait, what are we gonna do now?

- I don't kno...

I can't even get a signal.

No sh*t. We're in the f***ing

middle of nowhere, dude.

Oh, gee, thank you, Casey.

Thank you for your amazing problem

solving skills. So helpful.

Whoa. Hey, what are you doing?

I'm not gonna stand on the side of the

road next to an RV filled with pot.

I'm gonna try to find help.

- Yeah, f*** this. I'm going with her. Bye.

- What?

Casey:
Wait up! Rose: Ugh.

Ridiculous!

Okay. Actually, that's fine. Good idea.

Okay, hurry back though, please.

"Oh, I have a plan. " Really? Good plan.

You don't have any plans.

Women, am I right?

Shut the f*** up, Kenny.

Rose:
And he's so smug. Ugh.

He drives me crazy.

Casey:
Well, yeah,

he's an idiot.

Rose:
No, he's not an idiot.

He's actually kind of smart.

Why are you defending him?

I'm not defending him. I'm

just saying that he...

Casey:
Have you seen where we are?

This whole plan is so stupid.

Rose:
Oh, really?

What golden advice did you follow

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