We're the Millers Page #6

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that ended with you on the streets?

I don't live on the streets, okay?

I crash with friends.

Ah. Okay. I see.

So you were kind of between couches

when David and Kenny found you.

Are you gonna lecture me?

Seriously, I'll puke.

You know what, I'm

not lecturing you.

Okay, good. Because I don't

need advice from a stripper.

All right, you know what you little sh*t?

I swear...

(HORN HONKS)

What the hell is this?

Well, look at this cute

little couple of hitchhikers.

We're here to save your bacon.

Saddle up, little ladies.

Ha-ha-ha!

Rose:
Hey. Hi, what's going on?

They pulled up right after you guys left.

They're gonna tow us to a mechanic.

They keeping asking to

hold the weed baby.

All right, all right, calm down.

Okay.

Just calm down, all right?

I got this. Watch.

I'm holding that baby.

Edie, you will, I promise, but

it's nap time for LeBron.

Come on, guys, let's go.

All aboard the Fitzgerald Express.

Honk, honk!

Rose:
- Ha-ha-ha!

- Toot, toot!

It's like we're pretending

it's a train, but it's not.

(EDIE LAUGHS)

Kenny:
Surrounded by goblins.

Melissa:
Okay.

Oh, Oh, Oh!

One more sec, okay? Hold on, one second.

Don't freak.

Edie:
When you're a

synchronized swimmer...

...you can't use a maxi

pad, you can see it.

So my friend bought

me a box of tampins.

And I'll tell you, I had a

hard time inserting those.

- It would just stick halfway out. Rose:

- Mm-hm.

- It was just like a Roman candle. Rose:

- Mm-hm.

And that is how I found out I

was born with a shallow vagina.

- That was such a detailed story, Edie.

- Thank you!

You gotta do a one-woman show. It's,

like, so many layers, you know?

So, what's your story, David?

- What do you mean?

- How'd you two meet?

Ah! Honey, tell her.

And don't leave out any

of the romantic parts.

David:
Okay. All right.

Where did we first meet. Um...

It's great.

Well, that would have been when Rose

moved into my apartment building.

- Ah. That's right. David:

- Mm-hm.

(GASPS)

I remember watching her through the

crack in my door as she was...

Wait, you were spying on me?

Now, hon, just because you've

heard it a thousand times...

...doesn't mean you should interrupt.

Don't be rude.

All right. Proceed.

But, yeah, I was spying on her.

She was unloading this

U-Haul all by herself.

I wanna go help her, but I don't wanna come

off like I'm hitting on her, because...

...you know, I'd like to hit

on her maybe at some point.

And, uh...

...she was wearing these little Navy Blue

Chuck Taylors and these Jean shorts.

No pockets on the back,

however that happened.

And this, uh, Tom Waits T-shirt.

I was like, "Oh, that's cool. "

Because I love Tom Waits.

And she just looked beautiful.

If you're into that kind

of mean, pretty thing.

So, anyway, uh...

...she starts to bring up this really big

weird-looking painting up the stairs.

And I'm like, "Okay, here's my

shot. " All right, so I go outside...

...and I help her with it.

I'm trying to, at least.

She looks at me and

goes:
"Stop it!"

- She just snaps at me.

- You started yanking at it.

Next thing you know,

it's a tug of war...

...pulling it back and forth

and out of nowhere...

His fat fist goes right

through the canvas.

- But it was an accident.

- Doesn't matter! You ruined my painting.

Okay. Honestly, I really think

you should've thanked me.

Yeah, because that

painting was hideous.

(CHUCKLES)

My grandfather painted

that painting.

And it was my favorite

thing in the entire world.

So we get in this screaming match

in front of the whole building.

And everybody comes out

and is watching it.

I mean, from that moment,

we hated each other.

Oh, man.

- And then you fell in love. Oh!

- Yeah. Then we fell in love.

- Ha, ha!

- Hey, now. I think this is our exit.

David, could you grab me the

map out of the glove box?

Yes, sir.

- Whoa. Whoa. Uh... Rose:

- Whoa!

DON:
Oh, hey, sorry about that, buddy.

Didn't mean to scare you there.

That's just my service

pistol and badge.

Oh. Your badge.

- Are you a cop?

- No, no, no.

No? Oh, God.

- I'm in the DEA. Rose: - Oh.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Yeah, my Don has been an

agent for the last 22 years.

On a bit of a hiatus

at the moment.

They took him out of the field,

he wasn't aggressive enough.

- That's enough.

- I'm sorry. It's not right, Don.

Those young guns aren't half the

agent you are, those crumb-bums.

Edith, you know how I

feel about your cussing.

I'm sorry, Don.

Edith can be a little

hot-blooded at times.

- I'm 1/8 Italian, so... Rose:

- Oh. It's okay.

Uh, hey, if you guys

will excuse me.

- Wanna join me?

- Where are you off to?

- We're gonna check on the baby.

- Gonna take a dump.

- Check the baby's dumps. Rose:

- That's what we should say.

- Yeah, just go check on Lebanon.

- LeBron. His name's LeBron.

He just has a terrible tummy. And

it's just bad diarrhea stuff.

DON:
Do we still

have cornstarch?

Edie:
Yeah, there's

cornstarch for his bottom.

- Family meeting.

- Yep.

Edie:
I'm getting my

hands on that baby.

He's a narc? Are you

f***ing kidding me?!

Stop panicking! We haven't done

anything suspicious yet, so just relax!

Oh, really? Okay. What about when they

wanna hold our precious weed baby?

Give me the baby, all right?

I'll handle it if it happens.

I'll take care of it.

Right now, all we have to do is get

away from that f***ed up family.

Oh, f***. Why are we stopping?

They heard us. They heard us.

F***, we're going to jail.

No, no, no. We're just

at the garage, okay?

Everybody calm down. We haven't

done anything. You're right.

I'll ditch this guy real fast. We're

gonna get in and get out of here, okay?

Game face, okay? Miller time.

Here we go.

No other repair shops nearby?

Run by a Christian and open after

supper on a Saturday night? No, sir.

Ah, shoot. I'd give you the hose out

of our rig and send you on your way...

...but we'd be

stranded ourselves.

Besides, this way we can all

get to know each other better.

- What's happening?

- They're closed till morning.

Oklahoma.

Oh, God.

You folks can make camp with

the Fitzgeralds tonight.

I know a great spot. We'll set up the old

tents and you can bed down in our Winni.

- I'll give you a hand with your gear.

- No, no, no.

That's okay. Millers

carry their own weight.

- I knew I liked you, David.

- Kenny, you wanna get our sh*t?

- Hey.

- This will be a hoot.

I'll watch your little one so you and

your man can have some snuggle time.

- I don't want you to have to...

- I am good with babies.

Nonsense! Oh, give me the baby.

Give me that baby!

(GASPS)

(HORN BLARING)

(ALL SCREAM)

Sh*t!

Edie:
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Why

isn't there blood?!

Oh, my God! What's happening?

Thanks a lot, Mom. Now what am I

supposed to use for my health project?

I'm gonna fail and have to

go to community college.

- My future's ruined!

- Honey.

Mrs. Fitzgerald,

are you all right?

- That baby was...?

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