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We're the Millers Page #6
that ended with you on the streets?
I don't live on the streets, okay?
I crash with friends.
Ah. Okay. I see.
So you were kind of between couches
when David and Kenny found you.
Seriously, I'll puke.
You know what, I'm
not lecturing you.
Okay, good. Because I don't
need advice from a stripper.
All right, you know what you little sh*t?
I swear...
(HORN HONKS)
What the hell is this?
Well, look at this cute
little couple of hitchhikers.
We're here to save your bacon.
Saddle up, little ladies.
Ha-ha-ha!
Rose:
Hey. Hi, what's going on?They pulled up right after you guys left.
They're gonna tow us to a mechanic.
hold the weed baby.
All right, all right, calm down.
Okay.
Just calm down, all right?
I got this. Watch.
I'm holding that baby.
Edie, you will, I promise, but
it's nap time for LeBron.
Come on, guys, let's go.
All aboard the Fitzgerald Express.
Honk, honk!
Rose:
- Ha-ha-ha!- Toot, toot!
It's like we're pretending
it's a train, but it's not.
(EDIE LAUGHS)
Kenny:
Surrounded by goblins.Melissa:
Okay.Oh, Oh, Oh!
One more sec, okay? Hold on, one second.
Don't freak.
Edie:
When you're asynchronized swimmer...
...you can't use a maxi
pad, you can see it.
So my friend bought
me a box of tampins.
And I'll tell you, I had a
hard time inserting those.
- It would just stick halfway out. Rose:
- Mm-hm.
- It was just like a Roman candle. Rose:
- Mm-hm.
And that is how I found out I
was born with a shallow vagina.
- That was such a detailed story, Edie.
- Thank you!
You gotta do a one-woman show. It's,
like, so many layers, you know?
So, what's your story, David?
- What do you mean?
- How'd you two meet?
Ah! Honey, tell her.
And don't leave out any
of the romantic parts.
David:
Okay. All right.Where did we first meet. Um...
It's great.
Well, that would have been when Rose
moved into my apartment building.
- Ah. That's right. David:
- Mm-hm.
(GASPS)
I remember watching her through the
crack in my door as she was...
Wait, you were spying on me?
Now, hon, just because you've
heard it a thousand times...
...doesn't mean you should interrupt.
Don't be rude.
All right. Proceed.
But, yeah, I was spying on her.
She was unloading this
U-Haul all by herself.
I wanna go help her, but I don't wanna come
off like I'm hitting on her, because...
...you know, I'd like to hit
on her maybe at some point.
And, uh...
...she was wearing these little Navy Blue
Chuck Taylors and these Jean shorts.
No pockets on the back,
however that happened.
And this, uh, Tom Waits T-shirt.
I was like, "Oh, that's cool. "
Because I love Tom Waits.
And she just looked beautiful.
If you're into that kind
of mean, pretty thing.
So, anyway, uh...
...she starts to bring up this really big
weird-looking painting up the stairs.
And I'm like, "Okay, here's my
shot. " All right, so I go outside...
...and I help her with it.
I'm trying to, at least.
She looks at me and
goes:
"Stop it!"- She just snaps at me.
Next thing you know,
it's a tug of war...
...pulling it back and forth
and out of nowhere...
His fat fist goes right
through the canvas.
- But it was an accident.
- Doesn't matter! You ruined my painting.
Okay. Honestly, I really think
you should've thanked me.
Yeah, because that
painting was hideous.
(CHUCKLES)
My grandfather painted
that painting.
And it was my favorite
thing in the entire world.
So we get in this screaming match
in front of the whole building.
and is watching it.
I mean, from that moment,
we hated each other.
Oh, man.
- And then you fell in love. Oh!
- Yeah. Then we fell in love.
- Ha, ha!
- Hey, now. I think this is our exit.
David, could you grab me the
map out of the glove box?
Yes, sir.
- Whoa. Whoa. Uh... Rose:
- Whoa!
DON:
Oh, hey, sorry about that, buddy.Didn't mean to scare you there.
That's just my service
pistol and badge.
Oh. Your badge.
- Are you a cop?
- No, no, no.
No? Oh, God.
- I'm in the DEA. Rose: - Oh.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Yeah, my Don has been an
agent for the last 22 years.
On a bit of a hiatus
at the moment.
They took him out of the field,
he wasn't aggressive enough.
- That's enough.
- I'm sorry. It's not right, Don.
Those young guns aren't half the
agent you are, those crumb-bums.
Edith, you know how I
feel about your cussing.
I'm sorry, Don.
Edith can be a little
hot-blooded at times.
- I'm 1/8 Italian, so... Rose:
- Oh. It's okay.
Uh, hey, if you guys
will excuse me.
- Wanna join me?
- Where are you off to?
- We're gonna check on the baby.
- Gonna take a dump.
- Check the baby's dumps. Rose:
- That's what we should say.
- Yeah, just go check on Lebanon.
- LeBron. His name's LeBron.
He just has a terrible tummy. And
it's just bad diarrhea stuff.
DON:
Do we stillhave cornstarch?
Edie:
Yeah, there'scornstarch for his bottom.
- Family meeting.
- Yep.
Edie:
I'm getting myhands on that baby.
He's a narc? Are you
f***ing kidding me?!
Stop panicking! We haven't done
anything suspicious yet, so just relax!
Oh, really? Okay. What about when they
wanna hold our precious weed baby?
Give me the baby, all right?
I'll handle it if it happens.
I'll take care of it.
Right now, all we have to do is get
away from that f***ed up family.
Oh, f***. Why are we stopping?
F***, we're going to jail.
No, no, no. We're just
at the garage, okay?
Everybody calm down. We haven't
done anything. You're right.
I'll ditch this guy real fast. We're
gonna get in and get out of here, okay?
Game face, okay? Miller time.
Here we go.
Run by a Christian and open after
supper on a Saturday night? No, sir.
Ah, shoot. I'd give you the hose out
of our rig and send you on your way...
...but we'd be
stranded ourselves.
Besides, this way we can all
get to know each other better.
- What's happening?
- They're closed till morning.
Oklahoma.
Oh, God.
You folks can make camp with
the Fitzgeralds tonight.
I know a great spot. We'll set up the old
tents and you can bed down in our Winni.
- I'll give you a hand with your gear.
- No, no, no.
That's okay. Millers
carry their own weight.
- I knew I liked you, David.
- Kenny, you wanna get our sh*t?
- Hey.
- This will be a hoot.
I'll watch your little one so you and
your man can have some snuggle time.
- I don't want you to have to...
- I am good with babies.
Nonsense! Oh, give me the baby.
Give me that baby!
(GASPS)
(HORN BLARING)
(ALL SCREAM)
Sh*t!
Edie:
Oh, my God!Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Why
isn't there blood?!
Oh, my God! What's happening?
Thanks a lot, Mom. Now what am I
supposed to use for my health project?
I'm gonna fail and have to
go to community college.
- My future's ruined!
- Honey.
Mrs. Fitzgerald,
are you all right?
- That baby was...?
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"We're the Millers" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/we're_the_millers_23176>.
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