We're the Millers Page #7

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- Oh, did you think that LeBron was...?

ALL:
Heh-heh-heh.

- No, no, no. LeBron was a sack of herbs.

Oregano and basil mostly.

We were just treating it like a

real baby, a summer project.

- Extra credit. David:

- It teaches the students that...

...nothing ruins your

life like children.

Yeah. And it also sends that message

to teens, just stick to the big A.

- Yeah, anal.

- Abstinence, you meant.

- Neither makes a baby.

- He confuses them.

Anyway, I'm so sorry, Edie.

We promised our Casey...

...that we would treat it like a real

baby all summer and we went too far.

Got used to it. Sorry.

Rose:
And so I'm

embarrassed, actually.

I think that would

scare anybody.

She's very emotional. You should have

seen her at the end of Free Willy.

Oh, stop it, Don.

I love that whale.

Well, who loves campfire games?

Edie:
Oh, Don.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my

pleasure to welcome you...

...to the annual singing

Fitzgerald family jamboree.

Our usual guests couldn't

be here this year.

- Uh, they're called the Osmond family.

- Ha-ha-ha!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

But in their place this year we have the

very talented and wonderful Miller family.

Let's get this party started with

a Fitzgerald family favorite.

(SINGING) Breakin'

rocks in the hot sun.

I fought the law

and the law won.

It always does.

DON:
I needed to steal some

money 'Cause I had none.

I fought the law

and the law won.

Now just the Millers.

ALL:
(SINGING) I fought

the law and the law won.

I fought the law

and the law won

I want you to imagine

you committed a felony,

you've been tried and

sent to prison...

...and you're standing

out in the sun

breaking up rocks with

a sledgehammer. And...

(SINGING) I fought the

law and the law won.

I fought the law

and the law won.

- All right, that's great. Rose:

- That's good.

David:
That's fun. Great song.

- I love it. That was great.

Great choice.

- Great, kids.

- Well, that was an A for effort.

- Whoo! I got the spirit!

- That's great.

Edie:
It's a bird,

it's a plane.

DON:
U.S. Air Force, U.S.

Air Force. Ollie North!

Edie:
Take me home to...

Edie:
Looks like a sea animal.

Hammer tooth shark.

(WHISPERING) We wait

until they fall asleep

and then we sneak into

their tent, all right?

(WHISPERING) Mm.

Cut their throats.

- What?

- What?

No. Jesus.

- What the f***'s wrong with you?

- Nothing.

I wasn't saying to do that.

I didn't say that.

I thought you were gonna it.

You thought I was gonna

say "cut their throats"?

Who do you think I am, Scarface?

Give me a break.

DON:
Herbert Walker Bush!

Edie:
Paper airplanes!

Clowns. Clown sandwich.

Don't lock the baby

in the basement.

What I was gonna say: We sneak

into the tent, steal Don's keys...

...then we take the RV

back to the shop and I

can swap out their

radiator hose for ours.

Ah. Got it.

- The Earth! The Earth is on fire!

- Atmosphere.

Edie:
Uh...

(WHISPERS) Plain and simple.

Al Qaeda! Al Qaeda!

(BELL RINGS)

It was "plain and simple. "

- See, this was a plane, and then this w...

- Oh, Melissa, of course it was.

That is so clever.

Gosh, I thought it

was really good.

I'm a terrible drawer, so...

- Great, because you're up next.

- Ah.

- Passing the Baton. Kenny:

- Nice work.

Rose:
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Okay.

Let's go, Kenny.

David (IN NORMAL VOICE) All

right, Kenny, here we go.

- Draw your brains out. Rose:

- All right, that's a line.

- A slash. Guns and Roses.

- Looks like a spring.

What is that? That's a... Kenny,

come on, draw something, buddy.

Casey:
String.

David:
Come on, son.

- Rocket. It's a rocket or...

- Is that a cucumber?

This is really stupid.

David:
Is it a bad drawing, Kenny?

My guess is "bad drawing. "

- It's...

- Oh! A penis! A penis.

It's a big dick.

Those are balls.

It's a big black dick! It's a drawing.

Black! It's a big black dick.

It's a big, big black cock!

Black Cock Down!

(DON SIGHS THEN BELL RINGS)

It's a skateboard.

- It's a skateboard, great.

- A skateboard. Of course it is.

- It's a big black skateboard. Rose:

- I see it.

Of course. It's very clear. But,

you see, it was up... There's...

Its wheels, so I didn't see it

down on the ground, and then it...

Black Cock Down?

Black Cock Down?

Nice job, Meryl Streep.

Very subtle character work.

Not my fault that

Kenny can't draw.

David:
Don't you pick on Kenny.

Rose:
Nothing about that

looked like a skateboard.

You leave him alone.

Where the hell's Kenny?

- You guys, come here.

- What?

- What's going on?

- Look at these two.

Rose:
Aww. David: Uh-oh.

- Guess I'm not the best drawer.

- No, you were great.

- I knew that was a skateboard.

- Yeah.

- I don't know where the confusion was.

- No, I... That...

Yeah.

I, um, really like your family.

They're, uh...

- They're different.

- Well, they're not my family. I mean...

Yeah, no, I get what you mean.

- She wants him to kiss her.

- Absolutely.

Casey:
- She does, right?

- And sometimes I feel like I'm adopted...

...or an alien, you

know, or something.

Right. That's what I meant.

Um...

But also, you know, I

would totally adopt you.

You know, um...

Not that I wanna be your Daddy.

I just, uh...

David:
He's talking too much.

Casey:
He won't shut up.

Uh, well, good night.

(ALL GROAN)

- I'll see you.

- Okay. Um...

F***ing hug.

Okay.

And, uh, Melissa?

- Yeah?

- Uh, watch out for bears.

Um, you know. Can't

see them coming.

Good tip.

That poor kid. Well, you

should go talk to him.

Who?

I said you should go...

Well, who do you think?

Me? What the hell

am I gonna say?

Talk to him about guy stuff.

- Jesus f***ing Christ.

- Come on, how hard is it? Just go.

David:
Hey, man, how you doing?

- Hey.

- Anybody sitting here?

- Uh, no.

Well, good, good, good, good.

All right.

So, um...

...I saw what just happened

with you and Melissa.

- Oh.

- Um...

You know, you don't have to be

scared to kiss a girl. Heh-heh.

I mean, you damn near sucked a guy's dick

nine hours ago. What are you shy now for?

That's not funny, David.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It was a bad joke. Ahem.

You wanna know something I used

to do when I was your age...

...kept me from getting

nervous around girls?

- Yeah.

- I would just count to three.

- Count to three?

- Yeah.

- That's your big advice? Count to three?

- Yeah.

I mean, if you ever wanna kiss a girl

or ask her to go out, or I mean...

Actually, if you get scared of anything,

just do this:
Just count to three...

...and then do it.

Because if you take too long, you overthink

it and you'll just drive yourself crazy.

Trust me, it'll

change your life.

I guess that makes sense.

- Thanks.

- Yeah. No problem.

And, you know, if you have

any other questions...

...about, like, the

birds and the bees...

...who puts what into where,

any of that fun stuff...

...just don't hesitate

to ask, okay?

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Good talk. Kenny:

- Yeah, good talk.

David:
Oh, my back.

- So old. Kenny:
- Yeah.

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