We're the Millers Page #8

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(OWL HOOTING)

(MOUTHING) Wait. You go in. I'll

keep a lookout, okay? Good.

(MOUTHING) F*** you. This was your idea.

You're going the f*** in there.

Why are you yelling at me?

I am not yelling at you.

Okay. Okay.

Watch.

Bin Laden!

What's happening?

Is it raccoons?

God.

You were right

about them, Edith.

- No. I'm so sorry.

- Let me explain.

This is completely explainable.

- A misunderstanding.

- We didn't mean to do this.

- You just have to understand something.

Rose:
Mm-hm, mm-hm.

We have never done anything like

this with another couple before.

Uh-huh.

That's no judgment on you.

We're no squares.

- I own a vibrator.

- That's right, she does.

- Awesome. DON:

- I wasn't for it at first.

The darn thing's made in

China, for cripes' sake...

...but when you've been married this long

you look for anything to spice things up.

So, of course we've discussed

a scenario like this.

Yes. And tonight when you brought

up that big black "babymaker"...

DON:
Well, we got it.

- Loud and clear.

Our vibrator is

named "Joe Morgan. "

We were picking up what

you were putting down.

Edie:
Same page.

- Interesting.

We're very flattered by this, but right

now, in the middle of the night...

...I'm not sure I'm really

ready for it. Aw, Don.

Got it. Totally understood.

Not a problem.

We just had to ask. So...

Edie:
Wait. I have an idea.

Okay. Maybe I could take

a baby step tonight.

I mean, my mouth is

for my marriage.

But I've never touched

another woman before.

I would be okay with that. Yeah.

Edie:
Oh, great.

Rose?

- There you go.

- Okay. All right, I'm sitting.

- Are you okay?

- David.

- Mother to mother, is this okay with you?

- Yes. "Mother. " Yes.

- Are you sure?

- Let's get this mother started.

- Shall we? Okay. Edie:

- Ha-ha-ha!

- Okay, Don, are you watching?

- I'm good.

Okay. Uh, wow.

My heart's pounding

so fast in my chest.

- Ahem. So I guess we're swinging.

- Hmm? Oh, yeah.

Ooh. Ha, ha.

Edie:
Sorry that I'm

taking so long.

Hello. Ha-ha-ha!

Okay, I'm just gonna do it real fast.

There we go.

- There they are.

- There they are.

- Wow! Wow! Rose:

- It's happening. This is happening.

Edie:
Don, are you looking at this?

I'm touching her b*obs.

- This is a miracle.

- Okey-doke.

- Would you like to feel my breasts?

- I think that's enough for tonight.

- You're right.

- Don't give away the farm.

- A little roughhouse?

- We should wait.

- Are you okay down there?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have fun tonight, kids.

Rose:
Awesome.

- I'm never gonna wash these hands.

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

Thank you so much.

Rose:
Good night. That was great.

- Okay, bye, guys.

Great. What now, genius?

- Tell me... What?

- Oh, Oh, oh. I don't know.

I just got earfucked in a tent.

If you let her finger bang you

they would have given us the keys.

Oh, really? Why don't you go

suck Don's dick for them...

...and then you get the keys? He was

certainly loving on those earlobes.

Okay, look. First, unlike you, I only

suck a man's dick if I'm in love, okay?

That's kind of a

personal rule I have.

- Yeah, and secondly... And secondly...

- What?

I don't have a second one. I don't

know where I was going with that.

F***ing idiot.

Oh, I thought of one. I got one.

(VIBRATOR HUMMING AND

DON & EDIE GIGGLING)

DON:
Here comes Joe

Morgan up to the plate.

(BOTH GIGGLE)

Edie:
Oh, Don.

(KENNY SIGHS)

Okay, what?

What? What do you mean?

Do you wanna talk about it...

...or mope around like someone

kicked you in the vagina?

Okay. Um...

Well, I've never really like...

Had sex before. Shocker.

Kissed a girl before.

Wait, what? I thought you

said you were like 18.

- Okay, you know what, forget it.

- Okay, okay, wait. Okay.

Come on. Sit down. Don't

need to be so dramatic.

Look, it's okay that you

haven't kissed a girl.

I'm sure there are some girls...

...who I've never met...

...that find inexperience

kind of sweet.

I don't wanna be a sweet, inexperienced

guy who's never been worth kissing.

I wanna be the guy who grabs a

girl and kisses her. You know?

Okay, let me make

one thing clear.

This isn't one of those moments

where the girl kisses the boy...

...and realizes she's been in love

with him the whole time, okay?

You're my fake brother and

you're a sweet kid...

...so this is for you to

bring back to Melissa.

- What is?

- I'm gonna kiss you, dingus.

Oh.

- What are you doing? Shut your eyes.

- Okay, sorry. Right.

That's weird. That's

really weird.

- Sorry.

- All right. Ahem.

That was okay.

Now more tongue.

Tongue. I can do that.

Too much tongue.

Too much tongue.

Right. Too much... Yeah, that's my fault.

My bad. Sorry.

Less tongue.

That was good.

All right, now this time, I want

you to choke me a little bit.

- Uh, okay. David:

- Whoa. What's going on here?

Uh, it's...

- We're not doing what it looks like.

- Really?

It looks like Casey's teaching

you how to kiss out of pity.

Casey:
Mm-hm.

Uh, well, then it is what

it looks like, yeah.

Really.

What did you teach him?

The basics. He's never

kissed a girl before.

You haven't? Oh. Well,

honey, show me.

- Uh, really?

- Yes.

Okay. Uh...

Oh. Not bad.

It's not bad.

- Try this.

- Okay.

Come here.

(KENNY GRUNTS)

There you go.

You feel that? What I

did with my tongue?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Show Casey what you just learned.

Look at that.

Mm! Whoa!

David:
Wait. Hold on.

I wanna get a picture of you with the

first girl you ever kissed. Here you go.

- Mm-hm. Make it good.

- Good.

Rose. Get in there. There you go.

Photobomb it.

This is getting better,

it's getting better.

Okay.

Rose:
It's so cute.

David:
Use your hands. They got

so much fun stuff to play with.

You're not using your hands.

Melissa:
Kenny?

- No, Melissa... It's, uh...

- I'm sorry.

Kenny:
Melissa, wait.

F***.

You know, there's a 50-50

chance she'll be into it.

(WHISPERS) Redhead.

They're crazy.

Grab your things, guys.

Kenny, grab my stuff. Thanks.

- Here we go.

- Well, looks like you're ready to roll.

Gary called me first thing. He seemed

real eager for y'all to come pick her up.

- Good. Good, good, good. Okay.

- Guess this is it, then.

- Good luck to you, David.

- Hey, thank you, Don. Take care, will you?

Hey, yeah, listen, I would appreciate it

if you kept what happened last night...

...all that Chinese

vibrator talk, between us.

Yeah.

If folks at my church

found out about that...

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, no. I get it. Yeah.

No, say no more. Mum's the word, okay?

Before you go running off...

- Yeah?

- Well, last night notwithstanding...

...things bedroom-wise between

me and Mrs. Fitzgerald...

...haven't been a real

five-alarm fire of late.

Okay.

Now that I'm not working as much, we have

a chance to light the flame again...

- ... but our matches are wet.

- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

- If you catch my drift.

- I do, yeah.

Yeah, the matches are genitals.

I get it.

No, I was talking

about our passion.

Right. Sorry, sorry. Of course.

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