We're the Millers Page #9

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That's the way...

- That's okay. That's all right.

- Yeah.

So we've been looking

for new ideas...

...and she read on the Internet

about this finger thing...

Don, you don't need to

share that with me.

No, no, it's okay. I want to.

Okay, as long as

you're comfortable.

- I need your advice, David.

- Mm-hm.

You and Rose seem hotter for

each other than a couple mice...

...having sexual

congress in a wool sock.

- We do?

- Yeah.

You're like newlyweds, the way

you keep looking at each other.

- We are?

- Yeah. I guess I just wanna know...

...what do you do to keep things exciting

after years in the same fishing hole?

- Hmm.

- What's your secret?

Right.

- And by fishing hole you mean...

- Genitals.

That's genitals. Okay. Um.

Yeah, um, my secret? Uh...

Well, you know what I do, Don?

I just treat Rose like

she's a stripper.

(CHUCKLES)

- No kidding?

- No kidding.

Like she's a dirty,

dirty stripper.

Okay. Heh-heh-heh.

Dirtier the better. Heh.

- Heh, heh. Edie:

- Okay, watch your step.

It surprise... It

sneaks up on you.

Everyone got your bags?

Oh. I am so sorry that Melissa

isn't here to say goodbye.

She just won't come

out of that bedroom.

You know, she's been sick to her

tummy ever since last night.

- I think it was something that she ate.

- Just tell her I'm really sorry.

- Oh, sure.

- Oh.

Edie:
Sure will.

Oh, so sweet, kids.

(WHISPERS) You'll always

be my special lover.

Ow! Oh, Edie.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Bye!

- Happy Birthday, America!

- Bye!

- See ya, now!

- Bye-bye, now.

(DAVID CHUCKLING)

- Thank you.

- Bye.

Let's get out of here. You guys, go to

the RV. I'll get the keys from Skeeter.

Hello?!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, Brad, I was

just gonna call you.

Where are you? Thought

you'd be here by now.

I told you I needed it today.

No, I know that. No, we just had a little

bit of engine trouble's all, okay?

We're gonna be on the

road in five minutes,

at your front door in

just a few hours, okay?

Nothing stopping us now.

What the f***?

Hand me the phone.

Uh, Brad, can you

hold on for a sec?

All right, let's not

do anything rash.

- I'm David, what's your name?

- Pablo Chacon.

Shut the f*** up. Stop, stop.

- Hola, Brad.

- Pablo!

(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

You send this amateur

f***-up to steal from me?

Listen, I don't know what

David told you... Hello?

I would have loved to

say good-bye to him.

Pablo Chacon.

Turns out there's a real Pablo

Chacon and we stole from him.

So this is probably gonna

end well, I would imagine.

I'll be right back.

No rush.

I thought you said we were picking

up drugs for Pablo Chacon.

I thought we were. Brad told

me he was Pablo Chacon.

Rose:
Why do you trust that guy?

David:
I don't, okay?

Can you guys stop bickering

for five seconds?

Okay, how did he even find us?

- We don't know.

- I don't know.

Pablo:
With this.

Cool, is that a transmitter?

That's like a...

You put that in the RV, huh?

In one of the bags?

- How could you not think of that?

- Because I don't know what I'm doing!

- Have you not figured that out?

- Silence!

You all die now.

But together as a

family, with honor.

But we're not even a real family, okay?

I don't even know these people.

(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

She's right. That's absolutely right.

No, no.

We're not related

at all, any of us.

No. We're just friends.

- No, we're not...

- We are not friends!

Look, I'm just a small-time

f***ing drug dealer.

I sell dime bags, all right?

My daughter here is just a

homeless gutter punk, all right?

And my son is just a f***ing dork that

lives in my building. We don't look alike!

Rose:
- Not related.

- A virgin, okay? And my "wife"?

I mean, she's just

a cheap stripper.

Hey, thanks, David. Nice.

David:
We will not do anything if...

- Wait, wait. Heh.

In the Capri pants and the

sensible footwear, a stripper?

Yes.

That's right, I am...

...Mr. Chacon.

Just give me one chance...

...to prove to you that I'm worth

way more alive than I am dead.

(AEROSMITH'S "SWEET EMOTION"

PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

Sweet.

Emotion.

Talk about things

And nobody cares.

Wearing hot things

That nobody wears.

Some sweat hog knew

She's a real good liar

'Cause the backstage boogie

Set your pants on fire.

Sweet.

Emotion.

Sweet.

Emotion.

You stand in the front

Just a shakin' your ass.

I'll take you backstage

You'll be drinking my glass.

I'm talkin' about something

You can sure understand.

Have some respect,

it's your mother.

(PABLO SCREAMS)

David:
Get in the RV!

Go, go, go!

(GRUNTS)

Why are we fighting?

- Do you know how to drive this?

- No.

No weapons. Here we go.

Casey:
Hurry! Kenny: I

don't know how it works.

(BOTH YELL THEN

ONE-EYE GRUNTS)

Casey:
F***!

- What just happened?

- I knocked him out. Let's go.

- You did not.

- Yes, I did.

Come on, Rose, come on. Come on!

- Look out!

- Oh, no, please.

Kenny! Kenny, give me the wheel!

No, do not pull over!

Go this way! No, no, no.

Don't get on the freeway.

- Kenny, just let me in. Kenny:

- I can't. I'll stop.

David:
Don't stop!

You can't stop.

Goddamn it, will you let go?

No, no, no, no! You're

gonna get us killed!

(HORN HONKING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

David:
All right, just get out of the way.

Kenny:
I can't.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Is everybody okay?

- Are you okay?

- I'm fine. What...?

Rose:
F***.

F***!

Ow! Sh*t! F***, f***ing...

Ow, ow! Ow, ow, ow!

- Oh, my God. F***ing sh*t! F***!

David:
What the hell is he doing?

F*** a donkey! It hurts so much.

Settle down, man. What

the hell's going on?

Oh, my God! I'm gonna die.

Kenny, listen to me.

Calm down, all right?

Not gonna die. Tell

us what's going on.

- Tell us what happened.

- F***ing spider bit me, David!

- What? Where did it happen?

- Bit me on my balls.

On my f***ing balls. On my

balls, on my f***ing balls!

Oh, God. Let me see.

Kenny, let me see it.

No. No f***ing way.

You're not seeing it.

Come on. I can't help you unless you

show me. Sweetie, just show it to me.

Kenny, will you just man

up and drop your pants?

We've all seen a dick.

David:
All right, let's see it.

(ROSE GASPS)

What? What is it? What

does it look like?

- I can't look.

- Um...

- Is it bad?

- Hey, listen to me. It's not that bad.

- Dude, it's really bad.

- No, it isn't.

- Have you seen what that... Look.

- I'm not gonna look.

- You're going to a hospital.

- What? No. No f***ing way.

How bad is it?

You're okay. Rub some dirt on it.

Let's get back in the RV.

No. You're going

to see a doctor.

No f***ing way. No,

absolutely not, Rose.

He's not going to a hospital.

We don't have time.

Trust me. Kenny is fine.

I can't feel my bingo.

- Goddamn it, Kenny.

- Yeah. Totally fine.

- Go grab him. Grab him!

- If he's dead, we're leaving him.

Yeah, this is David Mille... David

Clark, calling for Mr. Gurdlinger again.

Yes, I'll hold.

Who's my big black and white baby?

Yeah.

You are. Yes, you are.

(BABBLING)

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