Weekend at Bernie's Page #3

Yeah. I know.

I've been meaning to redo that for years.

No, I love it. I mean, it's very hip.

I think you have done the place beautifully.

I like it. It's home.

You know, it's a side of you

I never would have expected.

I'm very impressed.

- Are you?

- Yeah.

About what?

This apartment has got to be expensive.

So obviously you could have taken me

to some flash restaurant instead of that...

Is "dump" the word you are groping for?

You didn't like Hymie's Hunan?

- It's a four-star dive.

- It was great. I loved it.

It's just that some men

would try to impress women by...

pretending to be something they are not.

I absolutely agree. That's a terrible way

to begin a relationship.

Pretending to be something you are not.

Oh, God.

You don't have to answer this

if you don't want to...

but how do you afford a place like this?

I don't like to brag.

I just feel uncomfortable

showing off my money...

but I've made some wise investments.

I dabble in the stock market.

And of course my parents

were rather well off.

Do you want to sit?

They passed away?

Yes.

They must have been young.

Oh, yeah.

I feel I can trust you.

They were in a train accident.

Yeah, I mean I don't know

what it was with trains...

but they just always liked to travel in trains.

I am sorry.

- How awful for you.

- Yeah.

You know, I always thought trains

were so much safer than planes.

Well, actually, a plane...

fell on the train.

- Richard.

- Gwen.

There's a man in his underwear

in your kitchen.

He's... He's with me.

He's my butler. But...

- You have a butler?

- Yeah. Don't get him started.

He'll just go away if you just be quiet.

Sorry. I didn't realize you had company.

Good evening, young lady.

That's all right, Monroe.

Yes, will you, please, just go lay out

my navy blue suit for the morning?

Please.

- How about if I lay you out?

- Very well.

- You let your butler talk to you like that?

- Well, he is a vet.

He has got a steel plate in his head.

Gwen, it's not what you think.

Goodbye, Richard.

I'll grab the bow line.

- Hey, Skeet. How are you doing?

- Hey, Mr. Lomax.

Here you go, my friend.

Buy yourself a girlfriend.

Where have you been, Candy?

- Hey, Bernie. How about a drink?

- A little bit later.

- Yo, Bernie. The cocktail flag is up.

- A little bit later.

Booze and women.

That is my lifestyle and I love it!

And I!

- George, how are you?

- Nice to see you, Mr. Lomax.

What are you doing here?

I fired you last week.

- I just want my $90, okay?

- Bullshit!

You drank my liquor

and the toilets still don't work.

I don't want to see you.

Get out of here!

You come back again,

I am going to call the cops!

You son of a b*tch.

- I am sorry. I think she needs a little B-12.

- Whatever.

This is Bernie. Leave a message,

I'll get right back to you.

- Goodbye, Mr. Lomax.

- Bye.

Hello?

Hey, Lomax. It's Paulie.

I just got to the island.

You are early.

Those schmucks are not coming

until the 6:
00 ferry...

- and I still have to plant the note.

- Yeah.

So where is your house?

It's on the point, top of the dune.

Look, Paulie,

don't kill them while I am around.

Bernie, we are on a phone here.

Right. You are right. Okay, I am sorry.

The point is, I just want to be

back in New York with an alibi, okay?

Yeah. Don't worry about it.

Oh, God!

Rich. It is leaving. Come on!

I told you we should've taken

a taxi from the station.

- There's another boat in a half hour.

- We'll miss the parties.

We got it. Excuse me.

- Sorry.

- Coming through.

Don't be ridiculous! What are you doing?

We are not jumping on this boat!

- Do you hear me?

- Here we go!

Listen to me, Larry, we are not

jumping on this boat!

- Jesus Christ! My elbow!

- Piece of cake!

Thanks, pal.

This ferry isn't leaving. It's docking.

- Okay. We're early.

- You schmuck.

- What is your name?

- What is your name?

- Larry.

- Hi, Larry. I am Michelle.

Come on! Lighten up there, Rich!

We are on our way!

I am so depressed.

I made a fool out of myself last night.

Of course you did.

- I should've stayed home.

- What are you talking about?

We've been summoned to the mountain top.

This is good for your career.

You know, by the time this weekend is over,

I promise you won't even remember...

what's- her-name's name.

I'll get you a drink. Come on.

Look, I'll see you later.

Goodbye, young man. Nice talking to you.

That is good. This is very good.

- I did not hear you come in.

- I know.

I am real good at that.

- I told you the guys aren't here yet, didn't I?

- You did.

- Good.

- Quite a shack you have here.

It's home.

Can I have a cigarette?

Cigarette.

Sure.

What was...

Quite a ride, huh, Bern?

Glorious day out, or what?

Where's Bernie?

I got it right here. It says it's the last house

on the point, top of the dune.

Pardon me, Monsignor, sir, could you

tell me where the top of the dune is?

- Bless you, my son.

- Thank you, Father.

Look, we'll find it. Okay.

- You know, it's an island, right?

- How hard can it be?

Excuse me. Is this the way to...

- Yo, is this Bernie Lomax's house?

- Sure is.

Wow.

Holy sh*t. Look at this.

Come on, Rich.

Oh, beautiful.

Oh, my God. He has got a pool.

He has got a goddamn pool at the beach.

It's heated.

I love this man.

This is inspiring. Look at this view.

- I am getting laid.

- Sure beats Coney Island.

What? Should we just walk in?

No, we'll stand out here all weekend.

Come on, we are houseguests.

Hello! Bernie, we are here.

Amazing.

I am home.

Excellent.

- Admit it. You are glad you came.

- Okay, I admit it.

- We got three days of this ahead of us.

- Oh, yeah. This is something.

I mean a place like this must go for what,

a $1.6 million, $1.7 million. Unfurnished.

- Good God! That's a Lichtenstein!

- What? Where?

Not the piano. The painting. It's an original.

Of course it is.

All of this could be yours,

if you set your goals and work hard.

My old man worked hard.

All they did was give him more work.

Hey, is Bernie around?

Hello. No, haven't seen him.

But we just got here.

We're going to be here all weekend.

We are houseguests.

Tell him Tawny borrowed his boat

to go skiing.

Hi, Tawny. I am horny.

- Hi. Look, don't forget to tell Bernie, okay?

- Okay.

Tawny, you wouldn't happen to know

where Bernie is, would you?

He's probably making the rounds.

Everybody parties from house to house,

but they always end up here. Bye!

- And you didn't want to come.

- I admit it, I was wrong.

Oh, my God.

Nothing but champagne and caviar.

Pierre Jout.

This guy is my idol.

- Don't open that.

- Why not?

We are houseguests, come on.

You want some?

No, thanks. This is strange.

Where's our host?

You heard Tawny. He's out partying.

Come on.

Let's check out the rest of this joint.

This is fabulous.

I found him. Mr. Lomax.

Bernie! How are you doing? Great place.

I hope you don't mind, but we just

walked in. We didn't know that you...

Bernie?

He's sleeping.

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