Weekend at Bernie's Page #5

No!

What?

Nothing.

Go see Bernie about it. Go see Bernie.

- Gwen, darling, how are you?

- Fine, thank you.

Have I ever told you

I never liked the name Gwen on you?

To me you'll always be Vanessa.

Her father and I,

we went to Harvard together.

You are probably right. Oh, Bernie.

Here we go, sugar, move it over!

Okay, baby?

A**hole!

- I don't understand why we've to move him.

- Don't ask. Just move him.

Here we go. Ready?

- I can't believe I'm touching a dead body.

- He was your boss. Come on, let's go.

- What a kidder.

- Bernie, you had a little too much.

Come on, you had too much again,

you big knucklehead.

Come on, let's go.

Come on. He is crazy.

Here we go. Walk it off, big guy.

Nice outfit.

Look even nicer

crumpled up on my floor in the morning.

Polyester doesn't crumple.

- Here we go. That's it, Bernie.

- Hi, Bernie.

- Just like last week, huh?

- Come on.

All right. Okay.

Look me in the eye. $50,000.

Yes! I knew it! Thank you, Bernie!

Thank you so much. This guy is like family.

You are beautiful!

Grab him. Larry.

- Jesus.

- Oh, God.

- Hi, boys. Great view.

- Hello, there. How are you?

I give it an 8.3.

We can't just leave him there, you know.

Girl. Beach. Sand. Surf. Moonlight.

Did you ever see Here to Eternity?

You are right. We better get him.

- Thirty minutes. Then we call the cops.

- Not a second more.

Ladies, how are you?

Hi.

Hi.

Are we allowed to talk or anything?

Why did you leave the party?

I just don't feel comfortable

with most of those people.

I don't really know any of those people.

I just know, knew, know Bernie.

Besides, I figure

I can thank Bernie tomorrow.

When there's more privacy.

- Where are we going?

- There's a beautiful view from up there.

Great.

Ever been in a lighthouse before?

No, this is my first time. This is great.

Does anybody live up there?

A lighthouse keeper or someone?

No, It's all automated now. Come on.

That takes some of the romance out of it.

Does it?

- You all right?

- Yeah.

You're right. This is beautiful.

My God.

You can see the whole island from up here.

I've always wondered

how these things work.

Richard, don't.

- I can't see.

- Watch out for the trap...

door.

Oh, my God.

- That one works.

- Richard.

- Are you okay?

- I'm fine.

- Are you sure?

- I fell down a couple of stairs.

- Anything broken?

- Nothing's broken.

- Are you sure?

- A little pain, but I'm all right.

- I'm fine. How are you?

- I'm good.

Here. Hold on.

The good news is, I can see again.

- I'm so sorry, Richard.

- No, it's okay, really.

I've always wanted a limp.

I must thank you.

This has been a great date.

I hope my major medical covers it.

What?

I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh...

but the look on your face

when you fell through the trapdoor.

I think I've got a cracked rib.

- Do you want to sit down?

- No.

No, I better not. The way things are going,

I'm gonna break my ass.

You'll be okay.

I've had a crush on you

since the first day I saw you at work.

I'm crazy about you.

This is so right.

Oh, my God. This can't be happening to me.

It's happening to both of us.

You're right. It's so right.

No. This isn't right, it's all wrong.

Not here in the sand.

- What?

- You deserve more than this.

You need music, flowers, candles.

You need...

You need to get out of here.

- Are you kidding me?

- No, I'm serious. You could catch a cold.

- Where do you live?

- Dune Walk.

Are you dead, too?

Mister? Hello?

Oh, Jesus. What is it with this place?

How are you? Party's over.

You have to go home now.

- Where's Bernie?

- He's swimming.

I had a wonderful time.

I'm sorry I had to leave so early.

Have fun. See you at the next one. Larry!

Larry, are you in there?

- Come on out, Lar. Right now.

- Go away.

I need to talk to you.

Can you just give me 30 seconds?

Bernie is waiting for us.

- Look, Bernie isn't going anywhere, okay?

- I need you, Lar.

Bernie, he needs you, too.

Unbelievable.

How am I supposed to know

that the tide is gonna come up that high?

I don't want to talk about it.

I don't understand why this is becoming

all my fault.

- Did you invite somebody over?

- Of course not.

Somebody's here.

Let's just shove him in the bedroom,

we'll say he's sleeping.

Bernie, you cheat.

Two-timer.

Bernie, open up.

Darn you, Bernie.

Don't do this to me.

Where the hell are you, you son of a b*tch?

I got you now, you two-timing bastard.

Who the hell are you? Where's Bernie?

We're Bernie's houseguests. Who are you?

I'm his woman.

And I'll kill him if he's cheating on me.

Now, where the hell is he?

And don't try to cover up for him, either.

- He's not here.

- Haven't seen him.

I don't believe you.

I'm gonna tear this place apart.

- That's his woman?

- I guess so.

Where the hell is he?

- He's in the bedroom.

- Is that so?

He better be alone.

God damn it.

Fun while it lasted, huh?

What difference does it make,

we might as well get this over with.

This is good. She discovers the body,

she calls the police.

Fix me a drink, will you?

I hate it when they scream.

Oh, no!

What gives? She has been up there, what,

I don't get it.

Got a little scotch?

Sure.

- Did everything go okay up there?

- Never been better.

Good.

How do you like that?

The guy gets laid more dead than I do alive.

No, she couldn't have.

He couldn't have.

I get yelled at when I just lay there.

Vito, I'm telling you, Lomax is alive.

She was with him for at least half an hour...

- in the bedroom.

- What were they doing in the bedroom?

I'd rather not say.

What the hell happened to Paulie?

Yeah, maybe Paulie

is rustier than we thought, huh?

- What a night.

- Great, isn't it? It isn't over yet.

It is for me. I'm dead. No offense, Bernie.

I just gotta lie down for a minute.

Suit yourself. Whatever you like.

I'm going on to find the next party.

- Just wake me up when you get back.

- Okay, sure.

- Whatever you like.

- Because I got to call the cops.

- Of course you do. In the morning.

- I need a clear head.

Good night, buddy.

Don't forget. Wake me up.

I made these a little sweeter this time.

Okay, Bernie?

God, it's glorious out, huh?

Here we go, my friend.

This should do it.

Okay.

How did you deal with?

Oriental? I think I own that one.

With hotel.

$550.

Give me $600, we'll call it square.

Hey, Bernie, Larry.

Great party last night, Bernie.

Your best ever.

Ladies. Hello. How are you today?

- Great.

- Fine.

- Are we doing it again today?

- Absolutely. You know we are.

- Great. We'll see you later, guys.

- Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, ladies. We'll see you later.

Is this great or what?

Okay, coming out. My turn.

Shooter now.

Yes! Free parking. $500 for me.

Bastard!

I own it. Okay, that is $24...

I own them all. $46, my friend. Call it $50.

Thank you. My turn. Here we go.

Lucky seven coming out.

Sh*t.

One more you get out of jail free.

All right. Fine. Your turn. I'll roll.

Here we go. Coming out.

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