Weekend at Bernie's Page #6

Community Chest.

Second prize in a beauty contest.

- What are you doing?

- Playing Monopoly. You want to play?

- No.

- Here we go.

- How did he get down here?

- He walked.

- He walked?

- Say good morning.

Oh, God. You're just a sick man, Larry.

- What time is it?

- It's 11:
30.

You let me sleep till 11:30? I have...

- When did you get a Rolex?

- Oh, this.

- Good God!

- He didn't need it anymore.

That's it. We're gonna go to jail.

They're gonna arrest us.

- I'm calling the cops.

- I wanted to call them yesterday, my friend.

He's very upset. Richard, look.

Let me just say one thing here.

There's no reason to get pissy about this.

Hello.

- Richard?

- It's for you.

- Gwen.

- Hi.

What are you doing here?

I just came by to talk to Bernie.

I didn't get a chance to last night, so...

Oh, no. Bernie and I

are in a very big business meeting.

- Now?

- Yes.

Bernie has such little time,

so can you come back later?

Wait a minute.

What happened to Mr. Romantic?

- Candlelight? Flowers?

- I know. But Bernie is tied up right now.

- It's a bad time.

- What is going on, Richard?

Okay. I'll tell you.

I probably shouldn't,

I know I shouldn't, but...

at this point, why not? Mr. Lomax is...

my boss. I work for him

at the insurance company.

Bernie, you're starting to peel.

Better get you out of the sun, huh?

Here we go.

We were really looking forward

to coming out here...

when we got here, Mr. Lomax...

Bernie was...

dead.

Dead.

Like your mother and father were dead.

And your aunt is dead, too?

Different kind of dead.

You son of a b*tch. I got you.

Then how come I saw Bernie

with you and your friend at the party?

Because...

You don't believe me?

Okay, I'm gonna prove it to you. Come on.

This is not going to be fun.

I know you think I'm crazy, but...

Well?

Where is Bernie?

Oh, hello.

- Where's Bernie?

- He went for more daiquiri mix.

No, he didn't.

Richard, I don't know what

this game is you're playing...

but this is ridiculous.

- I'm out of here.

- Gwen, I'm not playing any games with you.

I'm telling you the truth! Bernie is here.

Where is Bernie?

What, you bastard, did you do with Bernie?

I'm phoning the police.

There's no dial tone. With 97 buttons...

- Where is your house?

- Where is the off button?

Look, Paulie, just don't kill them

while I'm around.

- Bernie, we're on a phone here.

- You're right.

- Play that back.

- I just got it stopped.

Play it back, please.

Hey, Lomax, it's Paulie.

I just got to the island.

You're early.

Those two schmucks

won't come until the 6:00 ferry...

- and I still have to plant the note.

- Yeah.

- Where is your house?

- It's on the point, top of the dune.

Look, Paulie...

- don't kill them while I'm around.

- Bernie, we're on the phone here.

You're right. I'm sorry.

The point is, I just want to be

back in New York with an alibi.

Don't worry about it.

We were on the 6:00 ferry.

And we're two schmucks.

- Kill us?

- Lomax?

Bernie is gonna have us killed?

Kill us?

- Why?

- I don't know.

Unless he's the one

whose been stealing from the company.

Son of a b*tch. He's gonna kill me!

I liked the guy.

Okay.

He said something about a note, right?

- I know, Richard.

- Let's find it.

Bernie, you lying swine.

Holy crap!

What?

- There's a $100,000 here easy.

- This is the note. Listen.

"Richard Parker and I

stole this money from the company...

- "to pay for my sex change operation."

- What?

That's what it says.

"Now he tells me he loves someone else.

I can't live with that, and neither will he."

It's got my name on it.

Oh, God.

Son of a b*tch. It's not bad enough

that he's trying to kill me...

now he's turning me into a drag queen.

Why couldn't he say

you were having the operation?

- It doesn't matter.

- It does matter, Richard.

- I've a reputation to protect here.

- For Christ's sakes, Larry!

No one is going

to have a sex change operation.

Oh, yeah!

I got to call the cops.

- Operator.

- Operator, the police, please.

You mean Ed?

He's out on the beach somewhere.

When do you expect Ed back?

It's a bit of an emergency.

I don't know. Wanna leave a message?

- Yeah. Help!

- Okay.

Let's get out of here.

We have to get off this island,

and maybe not get killed doing it.

- Wait a minute.

- Tell me you have a brilliant idea.

- I have an idea.

- What is it?

Lomax told whoever he was talking to

not to kill us if he's around, right?

But Lomax is dead.

He isn't around anybody anymore.

I know that. You know that.

Nobody else knows that.

Where's Bernie?

Right there.

There's no Bernie.

He's gotta to be, Rich.

I dumped him here myself.

Where is he?

- Larry.

- What?

- Excuse me.

- Hey, kid.

- What are you doing?

- What do you want?

- You little brat!

- What are you doing?

Get out of there.

- What the hell are you doing?

- You can't do that.

This is private property.

- You're talking to me?

- Yeah.

- Shut up.

- Who are you... You lousy...

You better be gone by the time we get there.

- Scram! Get out of here!

- You little bastard.

How'd you like to kiss this?

- We have bigger problems.

- Kiss my ass.

- What kind of home training is that?

- He buried all of Bernie.

Jesus.

Come on.

- Good thing for you, you're dead, pal.

- I actually felt sorry for you, you rat sh*t.

He looks good enough. Let's go.

- Larry.

- What?

Jesus.

I never knew he wore a toupee.

You can hardly tell.

Who cares? What are we gonna do about it?

We can't take him out like this.

The killer might not know it's Bernie

and shoot us.

- So long, Lar, it has been fun but not really.

- Goodbye, Rich.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is...

Jesus.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is...

You little bastard.

- Get back here, you little monster.

- Never mind him.

I'm gonna rip your gums out!

- I'm gonna get that little kid.

- What are we gonna do with Bernie?

Oh, boy.

Come on, Bernie. Up.

Put it on him.

Brilliant.

- Sambuca on the rocks.

- Yes, sir.

Here we go. Ready. Up.

You take him down. I'll get the cart.

Hey, Bernie!

Bernie, wait a minute.

- That guy talking to us?

- Who cares? Get out of here.

Bernie, I've got to talk to you.

Bernie, come on.

- Hey, Bernie. Looking good.

- Hi.

- Hi, Bernie.

- Hello.

- Great party last night, Bern.

- How are you?

Bernie, I've got to talk to you.

Jesus. He's behind us.

Sh*t! Is that the killer?

How do I know, Richard?

Should I stop and ask him?

No. Just drive. Just go.

Bernie, I gotta talk to you.

- Doesn't this thing go any faster?

- This is it.

We gotta talk.

What about our arrangement?

Come on, Larry. Move it.

Hey, Bernie. The Maserati.

I painted it black for you.

The Maserati!

Ferry's gonna leave.

Hold it. Wait. Stop this for a second.

Let's go.

Rich, grab him. Grab a leg.

Wait.

We can't just drag him in.

He's got to look like he's alive.

Idea.

Your right leg on three, ready?

Here we go. One, two, three, go.

Hold the boat!

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