What's Your Number? Page #2

Can I be honest with you?

You never seemed

to like marketing anyhow.

I liked it.

Yeah, but you didn't love it.

I guess I did you a favor.

Now you can go get a job that you love

with a boss who you, uh, like.

I like you.

Really? How much?

(LAUGHS)

She bought the whole bottle, didn't she?

[ALLY]:
Okay, so just write down

the number of guys you've slept with

and put it in this glass,

and then we'll pick out the number

and guess who it belongs to.

Daisy, you go first.

Yeah.

Four.

- Oh! That's me.

- Yay!

No, no, no, that's not how

you're supposed to play the game.

We're supposed to guess.

Who wasn't gonna guess Katie?

She married Matt when she was, like, 12.

- I'm surprised you've had that many.

- Well...

[ALLY]:
Katie, your turn,

let's go.

Eight. Eight... Daisy.

Yes, and I am twice the woman you are.

Six.

- Jamie?

- Yep, that's me.

Wait a second, you're a seven.

- I never had sex with Lars.

- Yes, you did.

No. He only stuck it in just a little,

so it doesn't count.

- How much was it in?

- This much.

What is that? That tells me nothing.

I've no idea how big Lars' penis is.

I do. Counts.

Okay. How much needs to go in

to be considered sex?

Anything more than the tip.

Fine, I'm a seven. I mean, eight.

- Sh*t! Nine!

- Atta girl.

Okay, Jamie, you go.

Hmm.

Thirteen.

[KATIE GASPS]:
Thirteen?

Who here is a 13?

Me.

- Whore!

- Trashy girl. Slut.

- [KATIE]:
Sheila!

- [JAMIE]:
Slut!

Slutty whore!

What is the big deal?

That is 13 different penises in one vagina.

[SHEILA]:
It's not like they were

all in there at the same time.

You know what? I'm done with this.

Ally, you go.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

Go, go, go, go.

(COUGHS)

Oh!

Wow, look at that, nine.

I drew myself. Game over.

Wait. A one. Is this yours?

- Uh...

- Oh, my God.

You're at 91.

No! I'm at nine!

You're at 19.

[KATIE GASPS]:
Nineteen!

(ALL EX CLAIMING)

Hello, friend.

Fine, I admit it. I'm at 19,

almost twice the national average.

It's bad!

And look at this, there's even a whole

article in Marie Claire about it.

I thought that playing this game would

make me feel better about my number,

but now I think the homeless lady

on the train was right. It's high!

Apparently in America, 96% of women

who have been with 20 or more lovers

can't find a husband.

- It actually says 20?

- Mmm-hmm.

Who cares? Who did that study anyway?

The scientists over there

at Marie Claire magazine?

Hey, that magazine

taught me how to orgasm.

Actually, that study

was conducted by Dr. Helen Fig,

a postdoctoral fellow

at Harvard University.

Sh*t!

I see it in my practice all the time.

When you're too sexually available,

it messes with your self-esteem.

Next thing you know,

you're 45 with no self-respect, no husband,

and no muscle tone in your pelvic floor.

Okay. Well, that is not gonna happen to me.

Harvard says that 20 is the limit.

I'm at 19,

so that gives me one more chance.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay.

I'm gonna make a proclamation.

(PATRONS EX CLAIMING)

Shut up! I'm proclamating.

Okay. I am not gonna sleep with

one more guy until I am sure he's the one.

I may not have control over much,

but I do have control over my pelvic floor.

The next guy who vacations

at casa esperanza

is going to be my husband.

- All right.

- Yeah.

To taking control of my own destiny.

[ALL]:
To taking control!

To better decision-making

and goal-following-through.

To better decision-making and goals!

To 20!

[ALL]:
To 20!

(ALL CHEERING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, sh*t.

(WHIMPERING) Oh, no. Oh, my God.

(GROANS)

Hi.

- I slept with my ex-boss.

- Carol?

No! The job I just got fired from.

- You got fired?

- This is your fault.

When I tried to get you to leave the

bar last night, you spit on me.

But congratulations.

You said 20 is your husband.

Now you're at 20.

- Shut up.

- I have to admit

that I just did not think

it was gonna happen this quickly,

but I'm so excited.

Hey, Eddie, Ally's gonna get married.

- Great.

- He's thrilled.

I know you're just being a b*tch,

but maybe he is my husband.

Maybe it's fate. Now we've got

a great story to tell our grandkids.

I don't know

why I never considered him before.

(SNIFFING)

He's not my husband.

(TAP RUNNING)

- Morning.

- Morning.

- Hey, you're out of toilet paper.

- Okay.

Oh, did you make coffee?

No. There's a Starbucks

on your way to the T.

Oh, that's okay.

Did you get the newspaper?

No, no, I don't get that.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

- Morning, 6-C.

- That's not mine.

Okay. I locked myself out of my apartment.

My keys and wallet, everything,

it's over there. Can I use your phone?

Sure, of course, let me just get that.

Hey, Roger, why don't we talk later?

Because I think 6-A really needs my help.

- Colin.

- Hi.

- Nice to meet you.

- Yeah.

So,

how about some dinner tonight?

- Tonight, tonight?

- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, we have that tenants' meeting tonight.

Oh! That's right. Tenants' meeting.

(SNIFFING)

Oh, we're trying to get

this very loud bird evicted.

But why don't I call you later

and we'll figure out

maybe another time

that we can get together.

Okay.

[ALLY]:
Bye.

Hi, I'm Roger.

Hey, do you think the woman

coming out of your apartment

could have helped you

with the "being locked out" problem?

(LAUGHING)

Okay.

Uh, I had a little situation

that I needed to get out of,

not unlike your situation here, so I...

Lied to her, then lied to me?

I look at it as trying

to avoid hurt feelings.

Wow.

This is pretty cool. Where'd you get this?

I made it.

- No sh*t.

- Sh*t.

Listen, I don't want to have anything to do

with your crusade to sleep

with every woman in Boston, okay?

They're kind of like my sisters.

Wow. I thought you'd be cooler than this.

I saw that toast you made on YouTube.

Seemed like you had

a good sense of humor.

Those b*tches put my toast up

on YouTube?

How did you see it already?

I got everybody in the building

on Google Alert.

I come from a family of cops,

it's in my nature to dig up dirt.

Guy in 4-D tried to marry his dog.

- No! Bandit?

- Oh, yeah.

All right, well, looks

like the coast is clear.

Thank you. You're a peach.

You're a pig.

Mmm.

(GRUNTS)

This is good.

Okay, okay, that's enough.

I think the idea is just to taste them.

Why? Nobody's ever gonna

see me naked again.

I might as well enjoy myself.

Yeah, like you're really gonna be celibate.

I don't have a choice.

I said I was gonna stop at 20,

and now, thanks to

that finger-smelling f***, I'm at 20.

Just promise me you're not gonna put me

at the singles' table

with Sheila and her mom. Please.

Seating is really complicated.

Oh, my God.

Wait.

- Does that guy look familiar to you?

- No.

Oh, sh*t!

- (GASPS)

- What?

That's Disgusting Donald! I dated him.

- Did I ever meet him?

- No! Nobody did.

He's the reason I learned to cook.

(GROANS) We have nothing to eat!

Honey, let's go out tonight.

I don't know.

There's just so many people out there.

Come on. I want to try the new Korean

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