What's Your Number? Page #3

barbecue place everyone's talking about.

I can make Korean barbecue.

Easy. What do we need?

Uh, a table with a grill built into it.

That guy doesn't look disgusting at all.

He's actually kind of cute.

I know, but I really think it's him.

All right, well, go say hi and see.

Mmm.

Ally?

- Donald?

- Oh, my gosh.

- It is you.

- Hi.

Hi. I can't believe it.

I cannot believe it.

Yeah, well...

Oh, Ally, please meet my fiance, Cara.

- Hi.

- This is Ally.

- Nice to meet you.

- You, too.

Wow. So, how did you guys meet?

- At a conference.

- At a conference.

Can you believe it?

She's a rocket scientist.

- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.

I'm actually just an engineer,

but he loves to say that.

- You know, I'm not the typical...

- I get it.

Ally and I are old friends.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just tasting some cake

for my wedding.

- Oh!

- I'm marrying a scientist, too.

Yeah, he doesn't look smart either.

I'm here with my sister

because he's up in the North Pole

dealing with the whole icecap situation.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

He's probably gonna fix it.

I can't believe that he said

that we were just friends.

Like I was the embarrassment!

He had man b*obs, big hairy ones.

God! I can't believe it's the same guy.

He looks so good now. He even looks taller.

A lot of men get better with age.

I mean, you said it yourself,

Eddie used to be a total douche.

People change.

You're right.

Daisy, you're a genius.

I don't have to be celibate or go over 20.

What do you mean?

Donald can't be my only ex

who's gotten better with time.

(EXHALES) Okay.

Love you.

(ANIMAL PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Right.

(READING)

Okay. Huh!

Jake Adams' dad.

Jake Adams' Facebook.

Okay.

Jake Adams III.

No, Jake Adams IV.

Oh, forget it.

All right, moving on, for now.

What do we have next?

Mike Miller.

Eleven million results?

Holy sh*t!

From Cresskill, New Jersey.

Eight million results! What the f***?

Mike Miller from Cresskill, New Jersey,

obsessed with Bruce Springsteen,

big balls, tiny penis?

What? No! God!

Oh, God, stop it! No!

[AUTOMATED VOICE]: Goodbye.

(GROANS)

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

Balls.

(SINGING) You know, I swing them

left and I swing them right

[COLIN]:
That's not my fault.

(CHUCKLES)

I told you not to put it there.

Under the bed.

Hi.

Morning, 6-C.

Hey, I see that you have company,

but I just want to ask you

a really quick question.

Remember how you said

you were good at digging up dirt?

Do you think that maybe I could pay you

to find some people for me?

Sweetheart, if I'm gonna help you,

you got to give me more info than that.

Just some guys that I've dated.

Oh, you have herpes.

That's not a fun call to make.

No, I...

I don't know. I just...

I think that one of these guys

might be worth a second look.

No. I refuse to be

a part of this type of crazy.

I don't know why these guys broke up

with you, and I need to protect them.

Wait. Why do you assume

they all broke up with me?

Because you seem like the type of girl

who tries to make a bad thing work.

Some people call that optimism.

I call it crazy.

I'm sorry I asked. I knew you'd be a jerk.

Don't be mad.

It doesn't mean I won't sleep with you.

Ugh! Gross.

Colin! Colin, open up! Colin!

Colin, we got to go!

Mom fell in the shower.

- What?

- Yeah, she fell in the shower!

Hi.

She's at the hospital. She's all wet.

We got to get out of here!

They're drying her off right now,

as we speak.

I'm so sorry.

You seem like a really awesome person.

I'm sure he's gonna call you,

but we got to go!

Come on! She's hurt!

(CHUCKLES) Very impressive.

Hmm.

You help me track down my exes,

I'll help you escape yours.

What happened to protecting your sisters?

If those girls can't see you coming,

they deserve what they get.

Wow. Jesus.

This place really goes

on and on, doesn't it?

And you can use my apartment to hide in.

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

Thanks, Diana. Okay.

So, here's all the info I have on the guys.

Names, most recent phone numbers...

Hey! Addresses.

Find out who's alive, single,

and still on the East Coast, okay?

I'll take a car or a

train, but not a plane.

I prioritized the list,

so start at the top.

Jake Adams. Is that the one that got away?

Well, something like that.

His dad's name is also Jake Adams

and he owns, like, half of Boston.

- So, he should be pretty easy to find.

- The Jake Adams?

Well, he may not be hard to find,

but I guarantee

he's gonna be hard to get to.

You don't have a phone number or address

or anything like that?

If I had that, I wouldn't need you.

I do know that Tom Piper

is on the fast track to becoming a senator.

Oh, and move John Kimble

up to number three.

He probably still works at Starbucks,

but he's the best sex I've ever had.

You haven't had sex with me.

No, but I have had sex with other

overly confident struggling musicians.

So, I'm good.

What makes you think I'm a musician?

Guitar in your apartment,

you dress like a horny teenager,

I paid for that sandwich.

Struggling musician.

So, I don't get it.

Why go through all this trouble?

Why not just find a new guy?

No. No new guys.

New is always better than old.

Of course you'd say that.

I bet the longest relationship

you've ever had is with that sandwich.

(CHIT CHATPLAYING)

What's it like for you to fall

asleep with all your thoughts?

Do you wake up blue?

Do you just sleep it off?

- That's pretty.

- I know.

Are you really gonna let us look good

at your wedding?

No. That's Mom's dress.

Those are the bridesmaids' dresses.

- (GASPS)

- (GROANS)

Sorry. Mom picked them out,

and I'm trying to keep her happy

because I invited Dad to the wedding.

- Have you told Mom?

- No, not yet.

(GASPS) Oh, wow!

I think this is it, right?

(ALL EX CLAIMING)

It's beautiful.

- Perfect.

- I love it.

That is a lot of poof.

The poof is what I like about it.

But don't you want to have

wedding night sex with your dress still on?

- I don't know. Do I?

- Yeah, naughty bride, you do.

I'm just concerned

that with all those layers

he's not gonna be able to find your vagina.

- Good point.

- I mean, forget about 69.

She's not gonna 69.

- Why not?

- Because she's a grown-up.

Sixty-nines are for when you're 17

and you're trying to cram everything in

at once before your parents get home.

Thank you.

Matt is always trying to do that,

and I say, "Let's just take turns".

- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

- "What's the rush?"

Oh, my God. He found Dave Hansen.

Wait. Are you tracking down

all your ex-boyfriends

so you don't have to go over 20?

- What?

- Think about it.

If it works out with one of these guys,

that means a whole period of my life

won't have been a waste.

Yeah, but it didn't work out

with any of those guys

because they were all wrong for you.

Dave Hansen.

Isn't that the magician you dated?

I believe this is yours.

I believe these are yours.

Wow! You work fast!

This one was easy. He has his own website,

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