What's Your Number? Page #4

supersexymagic dot com.

Well, I'm sure I'll be able to find him.

So, you can scoot and skedaddle.

And miss the show?

(LAUGHS) Okay.

(LAUGHING)

Nope, I'm done here.

That's it?

Why? Because he's a bartender?

No, because he's still a bartender.

He's exactly where he was nine years ago,

an out-of-work magician

who sleeps till noon, bartends till 3:00,

and goes around

pulling money out of people.

He keeps your quarter, by the way.

So what? You could have had some fun

for old times' sake.

No. You know,

even if it didn't raise my number,

I can't afford to waste anymore time

on guys like him.

Wait, wait, wait.

That's what this is about?

You don't want to raise your number!

That's why you won't sleep with me.

No, there's a lot of reasons

why I won't sleep with you.

No, there's not.

I don't know why girls care so much

about their number anyway.

You guys all have this ideal girl

in your minds

and if our number gets too high,

we can't be that girl.

The ideal girl. Tell me about her.

You know,

you can take her home to the family,

she's smart, but not smarter than you,

and she bakes apple pies with your mom

and plays catch

with your handicapped sister,

but then when you're alone,

she's takes off her glasses

and puts on a vinyl cat suit

and fucks you sideways!

That girl doesn't exist.

If she did, I'd be sleeping with her.

And what kind of guy cares about how

many people you've slept with anyway?

Decent guys.

Hey! What are you doing?

Waiting for

(HISSES)

Amy to leave.

You hooked up with someone last night

after I left you?

Hooking up sounds so crass.

We shared a romantic experience.

And then I told her

I had an early dentist appointment,

and I'm hiding on your

couch till she leaves.

Well, maybe you could use this downtime

to do some actual work.

I am working.

I set up a Facebook account for you.

(SIGHS) I don't want to be on Facebook.

What picture did you use?

The one I just took of you sleeping.

I think this is gonna be better.

While you're looking for them,

they can be looking for you.

Fine, but I refuse to tweet.

Ooh!

Number 14, Evan Slater,

has friend-requested you.

He's tagged you in a photo

and he's suggested

you become a fan of Tito's Tacos.

Ooh. I liked Evan.

Yeah, and who doesn't like tacos?

(GASPS) He's adorable.

And so are his wife and kids.

Well, he clearly doesn't understand

what Facebook is for.

You know, if you don't start

taking this job more seriously,

you're fired from using my apartment.

Where's my coffee pot?

I broke it.

If you were on Twitter,

you'd know that already.

You owe me $19.95.

How about I pay you back in Chinese food?

I ordered Charlie Chiang.

Did you get the itty-bitty spare ribs?

Okay, I'll be there in five minutes.

Hey.

Hey, come on in.

(EXHALES IN AWE)

- Wow.

- Yeah.

Dad didn't take me to too many ball games,

but we did go on a lot of stakeouts.

It's impressive.

[COLIN]:
Okay, so Mike Miller

and Eric Hamilton are married.

So is Valerio, the guy from Italy.

- Ew.

- Plum sauce?

Yes, please, but no mustard.

No mustard? Mustard's the best part.

Not if you hate mustard.

Anything on Jake Adams yet?

No. I'm sorry.

I told you, rich people are very good

at protecting their privacy,

but just be patient, we'll find him.

What about Simon Forester?

He's separated

and his house just went on the market,

so I'm guessing a divorce

is right around the corner.

Huh. Okay. Let's try Simon.

Simon.

Okay, so what's my plan?

Guy getting a divorce.

Divorce...

I could find out who his lawyer is

and get a job there as his assistant.

Or we keep it simple

and you just go look at his open house.

Huh.

The challenge with a newly divorced guy

is that he's just looking to have fun.

What you got to do

is give him the best sex of his life.

He can't realize that he's falling

in love with you until it's too late.

So, I'm covering up the fact that

I'm marriage material with amazing sex?

- Yeah. How's your blowj*b?

- What?

Relax. This is business.

I'm trying to help you.

Well, if you must know, it's pretty good.

It's the hand job

I haven't quite figured out yet.

Well, I guarantee you he has, so skip it.

All right, I guess this is it.

- Ready?

- Yeah.

This is nice. Simon's doing well.

I wonder where the realtor is.

Hello?

Is that...

(EX CLAIMS)

What the...

- Donald!

- Ally!

What the f*** are you doing in my home?

Uh...

The door was open, so I just assumed

this was the open house.

No. No. This is my house.

You're in my home.

Oh, well...

My fianc, Pierre,

and I are looking to buy a place

when he gets back from the North Pole.

Hey, Ally, can I go ahead

and get that picture back from you?

(LAUGHS) Oh, I'm sorry. Oops.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

That was Disgusting Donald.

He didn't look disgusting.

He was disgusting when I dated him, okay?

Oh, my God, there's Simon.

He looks good for a guy

going through a divorce.

Before you take my order,

I do feel compelled to explain

why a single, straight man

is having high tea by himself

on Beacon Hill.

Well,

I'm just so homesick

that I'd kill for anything English.

Okay, so go. I can take it from here.

- Don't shove me.

- Get out of here.

Don't shove me.

- Get out of here!

- Hey! I said don't shove me!

Ally Darling?

Is that you?

Simon, I can't believe it.

What are the chances?

It's brilliant to see you.

It is brilliant.

Simon, this is my neighbor, Colin.

But he has to go now.

No, I don't.

- Pleasure.

- No, no, the pleasure's all mine.

Wow.

Wow. It's great to see...

Did you look this good

when we were dating?

Oh, well, I had a fringe back then.

That's bangs. "Fringe" is "bangs".

- Americans.

- Listen, they're showing my house,

so I've got to disappear for an hour or so,

but do you fancy grabbing a pint?

Smashing.

Cheerio, Colin.

How are you fancying driving on the right?

Cross Simon off the list.

What happened?

(SIGHS) My British accent was a little

rusty, and halfway through darts

I started sounding like Eliza Doolittle.

Don't take your eye off the board.

No. Straight. Just... Higher. Better.

(WITH COCKNEY ACCENT)

Bloody 'ell! I'm rubbish at this.

You were saying you got sacked.

Yep. Losing me job

wasn't the end of the world.

Still got me mates and a roof over me 'ead.

I don't need much, just a room somewhere,

far away from the cold night air.

And then when I tried to pull out of it,

for some reason I panicked

and went full Borat.

(WITH STRANGE ACCENT)

So, I order another round?

No. No, I think we better call it a night.

Oh, no! I talk whole time.

I know nothing about you.

(WITH SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT)

So, what's next for Svorgon?

Svorgon?

I turned into the Swedish Chef

from The Muppets.

He was my favorite.

(SIGHS) Okay. Who else we got?

I thought we weren't allowed up here.

Didn't you get that memo?

I wrote that memo.

It was getting kind of crowded,

and my band and I practice up here.

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