What's Your Number? Page #6

What am I doing?

Unemployed, spending every last dime

trying to track down these a**holes

who already broke up with me once.

Maybe I should just quit.

Well, that's too bad,

'cause I found Tom Piper.

Keep talking.

He's in D.C., like you said.

He's working as an aide

for Senator Mitchell.

I don't have anything

a politician's wife would wear.

Ooh!

I do have a store credit

for Ann Taylor. Ha!

- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

- Hi.

[DAISY]:
I'm on your street

and I have to poo.

Okay, let yourself in,

I'll be home in 10 minutes.

Hi.

Hey.

Oh, Jesus.

Tell me you're not naked on my couch

next to my sister.

Thankfully, he doesn't like to play

without his underwear.

The guitar gets cold against his penis.

So, you two have met.

Hey, remember Tom Piper?

Colin found him in D.C.,

so I'm going there tomorrow,

wearing this!

I'm so excited.

Then why would you wear a pantsuit?

Don't you have your interview

at Sheffield and Bloom tomorrow?

That's the beauty of a pantsuit, you know.

It works for both a super-boring interview

and for an accidental, on-purpose

encounter with my future husband.

Hey, did you ever try and sell

those freaky little sculptures you make?

- No, she needs a real job.

- Oh, yeah, those are just a hobby.

[COLIN]:

I think they're amazing.

You should try.

Not everyone can do that, you know.

Excuse me,

would you mind giving me and Ally

a little bit of privacy, please?

- She has to poo.

- Ally!

Hey, hasn't your lady friend left yet?

No, I guess this one's a late sleeper.

Wait. Are you...

Is he hiding out here

because there's a woman in his apartment?

He is.

That's it. I'm going

to Anthony's Bakery. Excuse me.

Do you want to grab me a cannoli? No?

(DOOR CLOSING)

Okay. Keys.

- Who the hell are you?

- Andrea.

He didn't tell you he was engaged?

No. I am so sorry.

When I told him I was engaged,

he didn't say anything.

(SOBBING)

(MOUTHING)

Why?

Tits!

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Why? Why?

(DOOR CLOSING)

Hey, wouldn't it be easier

if you just spent the night

at their apartments

and left in the morning, like a normal guy?

No.

I once stayed in a relationship with a girl

because of a picture she had

on her bedside table.

It was her dressed as Cinderella

on her fifth birthday.

Grab that.

So?

So, every time I tried to split with her,

I'd picture that little girl

in the blue dress.

Happy. Excited about Monty,

her new gerbil,

who she would later kill

by accidentally putting him in the dryer.

(SIGHS)

Just couldn't break that

little girl's heart.

So you're saying it's easier to sleep

with girls and never call them again

if you don't know anything about them?

Kind of like a serial killer.

Yeah, I guess so.

Hmm.

[COLIN ON PHONE]: Hey,

so I talked to Piper's assistant.

He said he's gonna be doing research

in the library of the Adams Building

for the rest of the day.

Oh, wait. Hold on.

My leg fell asleep on the train.

Pins and needles. Pins and needles.

- Punch it.

- Really?

(GRUNTING)

I'm punching.

What? Your leg's

never fallen asleep before?

(TAP RUNNING)

What's that sound?

Nothing.

Hey, I didn't know you were such a big fan

of Lionel Richie.

You know, looking at somebody's playlist

is like reading their diary.

(CLICKS)

That's my bathtub.

(BOTH GRUNT)

Donald.

Ally... What are you doing here?

Visiting my fianc.

(CLEARS THROAT)

- Your fianc who was at the North Pole?

- Yep.

He's back. Pierre is back.

Wow. Pierre just happens to be

in Washington, D.C.,

the same time that I have a conference?

Yep. He's meeting with the President.

- Oh. What a coincidence.

- (LAUGHS) I know.

It's crazy, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

That's exactly what it is. Okay.

Do you like freedom?

- Sign here for freedom.

- Be on our mailing list for George Bush.

George W. Bush. Vote George Bush.

- Get on our mailing list.

- Vote for freedom.

(WHISPERING) No, no, no.

It's taken.

It's taken.

Okay, excuse me.

I'm just wondering...

if you could help me move the table

about three feet... this way?

I just... I like it better over there.

(CONTINUES WHISPERING)

Great, keep going just a little further.

Go, team. That's fantastic work.

Thank you. Almost.

Almost. Almost there. Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

(SHATTERS)

(ALL MURMURING)

Ally Darling.

Tom?

Shh!

(FEEL LUCKYPLAYING)

Oh, my God!

He's taking me to this party tonight.

I offered to stay at the Best Western,

but he insisted on putting me up

at the Omni.

[COLIN]:
He dropped you

off at the hotel...

and didn't come up

for "it's good to see you" sex?

What'd you do to turn him off?

Nothing. He's a gentleman.

You wore that pantsuit, didn't you?

That pantsuit is sexy.

It's very Katharine Hepburn.

All right.

Let's clear something up right now.

Katharine Hepburn was not sexy.

Audrey Hepburn was sexy.

Katharine Hepburn was a dude.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Well, Tom is just a good guy.

Besides, you wouldn't know a gentleman

if he tiptoed up behind you

and tickled your balls.

Hello. Thank you.

(GASPS)

I just got a present.

Oh!

He just sent over

the most beautiful dress I've ever seen!

I feel like Cinderella.

Careful, if you're not home by midnight,

it might turn into a pantsuit.

(EX CLAIMING ECSTATICALLY)

Wow!

Look at you.

You don't...

You don't think it's a little small?

(LAUGHING)

I'm sorry.

It was hard to tell what was going on

underneath the pantsuit.

Perfect. You ready?

- (EXHALING) Okay.

- You all right?

(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

Excuse me.

All right.

- Ready? All right.

- Ready.

I feel lucky

I feel free

I feel everything's a possibility

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

I can't believe Senator

Phillips and his wife

- were talking to us for, like, 15 minutes.

- I know!

He didn't even know my name

before tonight.

Now he wants to hear my ideas

about the tobacco reform bill.

And she wants to take me out to lunch.

Some place with popovers!

(LAUGHING)

We make a great team.

With you by my side,

we could own this town.

We could totally own it.

I mean it, Ally.

Look, I have my eyes on a Senate seat,

and then the presidency.

Now, if tonight is any indication,

I think together we could go all the way.

- Let's do it!

- So, we're doing it?

Yeah!

What are we doing?

We're getting married!

- Oh.

- Yeah!

Well,

maybe we should kiss first

and see how that goes.

(STAMMERING) A kiss? No.

I want you to be my beard. I'm gay.

What?

Gay. Like super gay.

Like, one down here, one here,

one here, one here, gay.

I thought you knew that.

America's ready for a black President.

They're not ready for a

gay black President.

And we have history, Ally.

I mean, I wouldn't have known I was gay

if I hadn't dated you.

So, what do you say?

Can I get back to you?

(DOOR OPENING)

Hey, Bandit.

Wait, wait, wait. Don't move.

Stay right there.

What are you doing here?

I'm not depressed enough

to sleep with you.

Close your eyes.

- That won't help.

- And

open them.

What do you think?

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