What's Your Number? Page #7

My wiring's a little spotty.

Every time these go on,

your bathroom light burns out,

but I think it's worth it.

What did you do?

I think it really brings out the detail,

you know?

I never noticed Louie's gold tooth before.

I named him Louie, by the way.

(GASPS)

I can't believe it.

This is amazing.

Yeah. Well, you sounded depressed

on the phone, so...

You hungry?

I'm starving!

So, I got good news.

I found Julie from college.

She is a man now, and she's single.

She's cute. Looks like Ralph Macchio.

You know what?

Even if he were straight,

it wouldn't have worked anyway.

You got to be a lady to be the First Lady,

and I ain't no lady.

You're a lady. You're lots of lady.

You're once, twice, 20 times a lady.

(DRUMBEAT PLAYING)

Okay. Okay.

(SINGING) You're once, twice

Three times a lady

I love you

(WHOOPS)

Yeah, you're once, twice

Three times a lady

I love you

(WHOOPS)

Thank you. Thank you.

Whoa.

(EXHALES)

- Oh, sh*t.

- (LAUGHS)

I either need to lie down or throw up.

You okay?

Yeah. No.

I have to go to my sister's wedding alone.

I'll go with you.

- You'd do that?

- Yeah. Why not?

Thanks. I really appreciate that.

I still think I'm gonna throw up.

Let's get some air.

(WHISPERING) What are we doing?

Just because it's dark

doesn't mean you have to whisper.

(LAUGHS)

- Are we in the Garden?

- Yep.

This has got to be illegal.

Yeah, probably. I worked here one summer.

I passed out programs and I managed

to swipe a passkey before I got fired.

You got fired?

Yeah. There was an incident

with the mascot.

What happened?

I may or may not

have pissed in his pot of gold.

- Ever played H.O.R.S.E. In the Garden?

- No.

But I have played H.O.R.S.E.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Oh! No!

"H" for you, my friend. What are you doing?

We're playing strip H.O.R.S.E.

Is there another kind?

There's the kind

where you keep your clothes on.

(SCOFFS) What's fun about that?

All right. "H".

Backboard.

(BOOM BOOM POWPLAYING)

Uh-huh.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, my God!

(GROANS)

Nope.

(EX CLAIMING)

Yeah!

Panty time!

(GROANS) Come on!

That was close. That's an "H".

This is not fair.

I miss one shot,

and I'm almost totally naked.

Well, that's the game.

Well, the game is changing.

It's now one-on-one.

This way. Let's go, baby.

Come get it.

Okay. Let's go.

Here we go, here we go

Satellite radio

Y'all getting hit with boom boom

Beats so big

I'm stepping on leprechauns

Shittin' on y'all with the boom boom

Shittin' on y'all with the boom boom

Shittin' on y'all with the...

(EX CLAIMS)

[ALLY]:
Oh, my God.

I can't believe it.

I think that dress

is gonna look good on him.

It's a good thing you play the guitar,

because you suck at basketball.

(LAUGHS)

Well, you can't be good at everything.

It just wouldn't be fair.

And I can't believe

that you can play Lionel Richie!

I can play a lot of things.

So, how come you don't make a living at it?

You're really good.

Ah, I want to play my own music.

Don't you worry about paying the rent?

I don't love marketing, but...

What do you love?

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

I love making those

freaky little sculptures,

but I'm not gonna make any money at that.

How do you know? You've never tried.

I've never jumped into the harbor, either.

Doesn't mean that it's a good idea.

I think it's a great idea.

I think it's the best idea you've ever had.

- No.

- Yes.

- No.

- Yes!

- No.

- Yes!

(IN SINGSONG VOICE)

We are gonna jump in the harbor!

- No. No. No. No.

- Let's go.

God! No!

Let's do it!

(ALLY GROANS)

(SCREAMS)

(GASPING)

Holy f***, this is f***ing cold!

This is the worst idea you've ever had!

(LAUGHING)

I can't believe you finally got me naked.

Well, my shirt does look good on you.

Good, 'cause I'm keeping it.

No, you're not.

I can't afford to lose anymore shirts.

Women are always stealing my shirts.

Women aren't always stealing your shirts.

They're borrowing them, fully intending

to give them back, but you never call.

So, you're saying

that if I have fewer one-night stands,

I'll have more shirts?

I think so.

Well, then, that settles it.

I'm changing my ways,

and I'm not gonna lose anymore shirts.

Really?

Really.

In fact, I think I'm gonna

take this one back right now.

Good for you.

- Wait.

- It's okay, I have one.

No.

I have to slow down.

Okay. Okay, that's fine.

What if I just put it in a little bit?

It won't even count.

Eileen says it counts.

What about, like, that much?

- That's nothing.

- (LAUGHS)

You won't even feel it.

Okay. I understand. That's fine.

But I am gonna keep kissing you.

Hi.

Hi.

You look so beautiful in the morning.

- I do?

- Yeah.

(COLIN CLEARS THROAT)

How's this for a slice of awesome?

Mexican wrestling on pay-per-view all day.

I will run to the store and get eggs

and salsa for huevos rancheros,

you stay here and whip up margaritas.

Sound good?

Sh*t! I can't! Oh, my God!

(GRUNTS)

Cereal?

No! I'm meeting Daisy.

I'm already late.

She hates it when I'm late. Oh, no.

(GIGGLES)

Whoo!

I can't believe Eddie didn't want

to pick out these place cards.

Oh, no, no, no.

He has terrible taste in fonts.

Have you convinced Mom

to come to the wedding yet?

No, and I don't have to,

because you are gonna

talk Dad out of coming.

- I am?

- Let's face it.

Dad's only coming

because he thinks that he has to.

So, why not just let him off the hook

and make everybody happy?

It's not a bad idea.

Oh, great! You guys can cast

the final vote, we've narrowed it down.

To this one, or this nearly identical one.

Monotype Corsiva.

- How do you know that?

- I'm married.

[EILEEN]:
Okay, are we done?

Because we want to hear about D.C.

Did you go to the Holocaust Museum?

No, but that would have been more fun.

So, there were no sparks with Tom?

Tom? What happened to Jake?

I thought you were looking for Jake.

Jake's in Africa and Tom's gay,

but it's okay,

because Colin is gonna be my date

for the wedding.

Is that the guy

who answered your cell phone

and got mad at me for waking him up

at 2:
00 in the afternoon?

Yeah. I took his phone by mistake.

You invited Colin? Your rapey neighbor?

Do we call him that?

Just behind your back.

Okay. Well, let's stop

because he's actually a pretty good guy.

[DAISY]:
Oh, Ally.

- What?

- You slept with him!

Oh, no!

I did not. I didn't.

[EILEEN]:
Good. Don't.

Because he's not the kind of guy

you end up with.

He's the kind of guy you date

before the guy you end up with.

How do you know?

You haven't even met him.

I don't have to meet him.

I've had sex with him.

Except his name is Doug,

and he's a f***ing liar!

Well, I have met him,

and he is dangerously sexy.

And if he wanted to come in

through the back door, you'd let him.

Don't let him, Ally.

You guys don't need to worry.

I'm not going to let him in any door.

He's just a friend who's doing me a favor.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(DOOR OPENING)

[COLIN]:
Honey, I'm home.

So, I TiVo-ed Mexican wrestling for you

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