What to Expect When You're Expecting Page #10

we have a little surprise for you guys.

Take a look.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Jules!

I'm sorry I can't be there.

I just want to congratulate you all

on working so hard.

And forget about what

the scale says tonight.

You're all winners.

(GASPS)

Son-of-a-b*tch!

Jules, we're live.

F***!

Still live.

The censors are gonna love that.

Hey, that reminds me.

How you doing there, Tater Tot?

Contractions about 17 minutes apart,

Ram Bam.

Because we can leave any time.

I'm just trying to catch the part with Gary,

but I can always record it.

No, baby! It's fine. I can wait.

Okay, then.

Gary, come on!

GARY:
Yes, yes. I just cannot find my keys.

That's all I have to do.

Hey! Look at this. I've got them.

Honey, do you have your driver's license?

- Because I don't have my driver's license.

- Gar!

Calm the ef down and get the effing car.

Shitballs, man! Slow down!

- Sweetie, I just hate to see you like this...

- Red light!

Big Pig!

Jesus, Gar! Keep your eyes on the road,

you worthless piece of sh*t!

Sorry, baby, I love you.

You know I do, right?

Oh, I love you, too.

- Watch the tail.

- I'm watching the tail!

- (CRUNCHING)

- Oh!

Oh, my God!

- My foot! My foot!

- Are you okay? Is it broken?

Don't be such a baby.

WENDY:
Just pull into any of these spots.

- Right here. Any of these spots.

- GARY:
Which one?

Good. Perfect.

Don't touch!

Whoa! The floor's a little wet.

They've got to do something about that.

That's my water, you idiot.

You're doing great, hon.

J.J.:
Man! Why did you do that?

Stop! Here comes another one.

Here comes another one.

(WENDY MOANING)

RAMSEY:
Where's the valet?

I don't see a valet around here.

(MOANING)

- Wow. Are we moving?

- Yes.

- Babe, did you press the button?

- Yes.

You're doing great.

Baby, watch out, the floor's wet.

What the hell is that?

EVAN:
We're here, Jules.

I don't care about his penis.

Who gives a sh*t?

We're having a baby!

- Okay, okay, good.

- The Baby Center.

The Baby Center. So we're in the right place.

- WENDY:
Hi.

- Hi.

- We're the Coopers.

- Hi.

- We pre-registered.

- Yeah.

Okay. Got you.

- I've got my birth plan!

- Aren't you organized.

Skyler Cooper.

- Another Cooper?

- We reserved a deluxe suite.

And this is your father?

He's my husband.

Sorry. Husband. Great.

We're having a baby.

I know you.

I can do it!

That's it. With your help,

I've lost eight pounds.

Can you help me do the same?

Do you happen to have

a room service menu?

On a scale of 1 to 10,

how is your pain right now?

Two.

All right. Tough girl.

Maybe a three.

Was that a contraction? I barely even felt it.

Sure was. What's your pain level,

on a scale of 1 to 10?

Like a zero to a one.

Because I'm smiling, we're smiling.

You're number one, baby.

Okay, who wants to have a baby?

Where the hell have you been?

Okay, let's talk pain.

On a scale of 1 to 10, what do you feel?

What are you, I think, maybe a six?

What? I'm an eight! Frown, no tears. Eight.

Are you getting an epidural?

Do I look like somebody

who wants to drug my baby?

Are y'all planning an epidural?

- I don't know. I guess we'll see how it goes.

- Whatever.

So do you want an epidural?

Hell, no. Let's do this.

That's right.

EVAN:
Here comes another one.

NURSE:
Okay, breathe.

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

BOTH:
Ooh! Ow, ow, ow,

ow, ow, ow, ow!

(GROANING)

- Gar?

- Yeah?

I changed my mind. I want the epidural.

I want it, Gary.

No, no, honey. No, no, no.

You said you didn't want it

and you said that even if you did ask for it,

that would just be the crazy talking...

Gary! Get me the juice!

That seemed a little crazy.

I will get you the juice.

I need it, Gar.

I'm sorry, baby.

Just don't come back without it, okay?

- RAMSEY:
No anchovies on that, right?

- Hey, Dad!

Hey, son! Hey, you, too?

It's not a race, Dad.

(LAUGHING) That's my son.

Hey! Are you the anesthesiologist?

- Yes, sir.

- Okay.

My wife changed her mind.

She needs the epidural right now.

I've got five women in front of her.

It's gonna be a little while.

No, no, no, no. That's not okay.

She's in pain.

Everybody's in pain.

Okay, hold on. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

- Wait, wait! Wait!

- Really?

- Dad! Dad!

- Yeah?

I need your money roll.

I need your money roll.

Sure. How much you need?

Yeah. Okay.

The crazy lady in 408 is next.

She most certainly is, sir.

You're gonna feel a little bit of pressure

in one or both legs. That's normal.

You are so clutch, baby.

So clutch.

You're at eight centimeters.

- Two more! I can push!

- Two more.

Nine centimeters.

Great!

What is that in inches?

You're at ten centimeters,

but the baby's not coming.

We need to prepare for a C-Section.

No, no, no, no. I have a birth plan.

Yeah, we...

I want to push. I want to push.

I know, Wendy, but the baby's heart rate

is falling. We need to move now.

It's going to be okay.

But I typed it. It's typed.

The birth plan, it's ready to go.

I'm ready to push. I wanna push.

Please, I wanna push.

Please?

So, Jules, you've been doing well.

Let's take a look, all right?

Okay. Let's do this.

Push.

(GROANING)

Here we go.

- Let's do it.

- Say "I can do it."

- Push.

- I can do it.

Say "I can do it."

- I can do it!

- Come on, Jules. Yeah!

I can do... No, I can't do this!

Oh! (SOBBING)

Okay, Skyler.

You're doing great, Tater Tot.

Just hang in there.

Bear down and give it all you've got.

Ready?

Okay, hang on. I have to sneeze.

(SNEEZES)

(BABY CRYING)

Wow. That's one baby out.

One down, one to go.

(SCREAMING)

You did this to me!

That pig is wearing flippers. (CHUCKLING)

Clamps.

I love morphine.

Don't you love morphine, Gar?

GARY:
Yeah.

We should get some for the house.

Okay.

That's good. That's good. Almost there.

You're doing great, Squeaks.

This guy's got a real steady hand.

- You're fine.

- Yeah.

(BABY CRYING)

Here he is.

Oh...

Congratulations.

Congratulations, Daddy.

Oh.

Okay, Jules. This is it. Are you ready?

All right. I need you to bear down and push.

All right? Here we go.

- Okay.

- Push! Push! Push!

Come on, Jules. You can do it.

- (SCREAMING)

- DOCTOR:
All right. All right.

I see his head, Jules.

- Give me one more giant push, all right?

- EVAN:
He's beautiful.

I need the shoulders out. And push!

That's good. That's good.

All right.

And it's a girl!

It's a girl!

(LAUGHING)

Oh! (LAUGHING)

- A girl's good. I like girls.

- It's a girl.

Oh! There she is. Hi.

(CRYING)

Hi, baby girl.

Hello, Emerson. I'm your mommy.

Emerson is cute, right?

Emerson. I love it.

Jules, I knew you could do it.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi, sweetheart.

Squeaks, say hi to little Theo.

Say hi to Mama. Can you say hi to Mama?

Say hi to Mama. Yeah, that's Mama's finger.

- Wendy? Hey, guys.

- We need more suction here.

DOCTOR:
We're getting

some high blood pressure.

GARY:
Is she supposed to be falling asleep?

Wendy?

- A lot of bleeding here.

- Hey! What is going on?

Okay, Mr. Cooper.

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