What to Expect When You're Expecting Page #2

That's nothing compared

to the bacon crutch

you're propping these sandwiches up on.

They're paninis, they're grilled peach

and blue cheese paninis,

with a dash of bacon.

Also awesome. Also my invention.

(CHUCKLES)

All right, you wanna go? Let's go.

Your special against my special.

Whoever sells the most tonight, wins.

- Fine.

- Fine.

All right, if I win,

you have to have a drink with me.

And if you win, you may have

- three drinks with me.

- That's cute.

So you can stand me up again?

No thank you.

That was five years ago.

But that's sweet you still remember that.

I'm impressed, Rosie.

I'll see you in the field, all right?

- It doesn't keep me up nights.

- Sure.

Who's that?

This guy from high school. Total player.

- I'd play with that.

- Mmm.

Don't be gross. Don't be that girl.

You're not still hungry, are you?

I don't know. It depends on what you got left

in your picnic basket.

Dr. Cooper. We're in a public place.

I know. It's all so unscheduled.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

I win.

ROSIE:
What did you think

was gonna happen?

MARCO:
Well, I asked you to prom first,

all right. And then you said, "Maybe"

- so I decided to ask someone else.

- No, I didn't...

Yes, you did. So I asked someone else.

Then you said, "Yes."

So I tried to take you both.

What's so wrong with that?

- I'm not saying it worked.

- Fine.

I blocked out most of high school anyway.

Hey. Where'd you get this guy?

I fought a grill and the grill won.

Why'd you fight the grill?

It always wins.

- "Chef hands." Occupational hazard.

- Yeah, guys love it, though.

- Do they?

- Guys love burned hands.

Yeah? Check this out. Okay.

First time breaking down a pig

when I was 16.

- Five stitches. Five. Yeah.

- Five?

- That is adorable!

- I wasn't asking your opinion, that's okay.

- That is adorable!

- All right, I wasn't asking your opinion.

Look. A deli slicer

nearly took my whole thumb off.

All right. Second-degree burn.

Making caramels.

- Your own fault.

- Yeah, I know.

Home-made is the best, though.

- So good for you for trying.

- Never again. Never again.

- Julienning shallots.

- Julienning shallots?

'Cause Julianne, ex-girlfriend, right there,

she got me.

- Julianne. I see what you did there.

- I know.

- That's good.

- Yeah? It was good, right? I saved it for you.

Whoever she was, you probably deserved it.

What? You are so mean.

Are you always this mean?

- Always.

- Is that your gift?

Always?

Okay.

Okay, Trouble. I'm gonna go.

- You're gonna go?

- I'm gonna go.

- It's been super real.

- Where do you think you're going?

- It's been great catching up with you...

- Yes! Uh...

Oh. Formal handshake. Good to see you.

Maybe I'll see you on the truck line

- again sometime, right?

- Yeah.

Yeah, Rosie Brennan.

- Your hands are on my waist.

- They are on your waist, aren't they?

How did they find themselves there?

I don't know.

This is really awkward, isn't it?

Well, if you don't stop me,

I'm just gonna kiss you.

Is that gonna be okay?

This is me getting in my car.

This is you waving goodbye.

(ALARM BLARING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

GARY:
My zipper's stuck.

Is that our alarm?

What?

- Yeah. Definitely.

- No, I think our car's that way.

GARY:
No, it's this way.

JULES:
Water feels so good.

Good, baby.

Do you want some tea?

Uh, no.

Are you sure you're not freaking out?

Seriously, I mean, just say so.

I can handle it.

Freak out's a little strong.

I really thought I had a bum fallopian tube.

- I just don't wanna force it.

- Hey, Crazy.

I wanted to be with you

before you were pregnant.

This just speeds things up a little.

- A lot.

- So?

We're old enough. We love each other.

What's to figure out?

Apart from what are you gonna do

about your show?

Well, we start filming in three weeks

and I'll be finished before I have to deliver.

So, basically, I am going to be

helping people get thin while I get fat.

What are you doing?

Yeah!

(GIGGLING)

(ALEX WHISTLING

AND PLAYING GUITAR)

- Sh*t! My tattoo!

- ALEX:
So what?

You're not gonna be the only mom out there

with that Spring Break dolphin. Trust me.

But those other moms

aren't getting judged like me.

Good call, Holly.

"I'll never get tired of a dolphin."

I'm not tired of it. I smile every time I see it.

Oh, God! Stop!

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Let's do it.

- Let's see.

- Okay.

No, no, no!

What? No!

- Even our wedding photo?

- I'm not taking any chances.

Okay?

Be normal.

And you're planning on

bringing the baby home here?

- Yeah, we're...

- No.

No, this is just a rental.

We're buying a house, a really nice house.

A big yard, one story,

no pool or sharp edges of any kind.

Yeah, we're moving into a padded cell.

And why did you choose Ethiopia?

Um... Honestly, we would have been happy

adopting from anywhere.

We were on a waiting list for Guatemala,

but then they closed their adoptions.

So we started researching Ethiopia

and we just...

We just really fell in love with the culture.

Plus, all the white babies were taken.

You're a comedian?

- (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) No. He's not.

- No.

- He's not even funny. At all.

- Yeah.

What he does is, he actually picks songs

for commercials for an ad agency.

- Great health insurance.

- Yeah.

They're working on a big ad

for Delta Air Lines...

Well, we're bidding on it.

It's not a done deal yet.

And how's the photography business?

Well, I'm still waiting for the Guggenheim

to start collecting my work.

But until then, I'm shooting at

the Aquarium.

And, you know, it pays the bills.

"All the white babies were taken"?

What?

Cookie?

No, thank you.

So you think we're looking at a year?

Well, every case has its own timeline.

You just have to be patient.

But on average, yes, a year. Maybe more.

More?

I could work with that, right?

Yeah, that sounds good.

So does that mean you like us?

I don't see any red flags.

But you need to baby-proof

if you're going to stay here.

Yeah. Of course.

Oh, do you have a wedding photo?

The Ethiopian authorities really like to

see that in the packet.

- No.

- Yeah, we do.

- Of course we do. Yeah, we do.

- No, we don't. We lost it.

- Yeah. We do. Where is it?

- No! No! No!

Hmm. I think it's right here.

Vegas. It was a costume wedding.

I was Prince, Holly was a showgirl.

He loves Purple Rain.

You know what, why don't we just say

it got burned in a fire?

Good one.

- Here.

- Thank you.

Wendy, can I go

on my 15-minute Facebook break?

Wendy?

- Wendy?

- Huh?

- Are you dead?

- Oh...

Hey.

Man, I was dreaming

that I had a kangaroo pouch.

That sounds awesome.

It was like a purse.

I could hide my snacks in it.

You're like a human-kanga hybrid.

(CHUCKLES)

Ow.

I like to rub my breasts, too.

(GASPS)

Gary! Gar Bear!

Gar! Gary! Gar Bear! Gar! Whoo!

- Wendy!

- We're pregnant!

I'm with child! We're pregnant!

- Oh, my God!

- We did it!

My balls work! My balls work! Oh, my God!

Keep it in your lane, people.

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