What to Expect When You're Expecting Page #4

- My answer is "Yes." Yes! Yes!

- My answer is, "I need to read about it."

- No more...

See you tomorrow, okay?

I'm not gonna forget it.

- Can I get a "I can do it"? You can do it!

- (GIRLS LAUGHING)

- I can do it!

- Who are you doing it for?

Oh, my God.

Damn, this show gives me the munchies.

JULES:
This is the beginning

of the rest of your life!

COURTNEY:
I so wanna do that slide-y thing.

MOLLY:
I feel so bad, but it's hilarious.

- COURTNEY:
No, no, this is just so funny.

- I hope they're having fun.

- Hi.

- Hi.

ROSIE:
Marco, this is Courtney and Molly.

- Hey. Nice to meet you.

- COURTNEY:
And vice-versa.

I thought you said "Cute Marco."

Not "Hot Marco."

MOLLY:
Well done, Rosie.

- Well done.

- You said I was cute?

- Ignore them.

- COURTNEY:
Yeah, we did.

So, you're going, right?

No, I'm not. I've already got friends.

- But these guys all have babies.

- Yeah. That sounds terrible.

Craig goes. You like Craig.

I tolerate Craig at a barbecue.

Not as a forced play date.

- If you go, just once...

- Holly, I am trying to work here, okay?

- Oh, my God!

- I'll give you one right here, right now.

- Really?

- Mmm-hmm.

- Right here, right now?

- Yes.

(SIGHS)

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Craig.

Alex, Vic. Vic, Alex.

Welcome to Happy Hour.

Let's walk.

Ow!

I sense your fear, Alex. It's cool.

You're still on the other side.

Stay on that side, Alex.

This is the side

where happiness goes to die.

VIC:
Don't mind Craig. He's had a bad week.

Kara just took a three-day business trip

and little Henry there just got sick.

- Here you go, big boy. Walk it off.

- Thanks.

By the way, when we're around Kara,

it's still "Henri." "Henry's" on the DL.

Hmm-mmm.

- Henri.

- You got that, Alex?

It's very important. That's the first rule.

- Don't talk about what we walk about.

- Rule #1.

Got it.

See, Alex, women pretty much control

the baby universe. And why not?

They carried the damn things,

pushed them outta their vaginas.

I never used to use that word

for that part of the body but, trust me,

once a baby comes out of it, it's a vagina.

- ALL:
Yeah!

- It changes.

Here, we're free.

No one's looking over your shoulder.

If you put the diaper on backwards

or forget to heat the bottle up,

you go with it.

If you wanna ditch those carrot sticks

and feed your kid McNuggets

- you go for it.

- Who cares?

And if your wife named your kid "Henri"

and you wanna ignore

that silent-H bullshit...

- Bullshit!

- ...you're in a safe place. What's up, Henry!

- ALEX:
Good to know.

- Henri. What is he, a mime?

Where does "Henri" come from anyway?

- Cirque du Soleil.

- So dumb.

It looks like

you've got your hands full there.

Yeah, I got four under five.

One more, we can run a full court.

Two more and I got pallbearers.

I got Evander here. Venus and Jeter

are my twins, and my main man Jordan.

Sure, twice a year, I think about the price

of college and cry in my car for a half hour.

But then I punch myself in the dick

and get over it.

- I can go for four more.

- Really?

Come on, Jordan. Keep up.

PATEL:
Craig, do you have some sunscreen?

Relax. Sunburn is full of vitamin D.

- Shh! Guys! It's Davis!

- CRAIG:
Totally!

VIC:
D-Bone!

PATEL:
Hey, big guy!

Fellas.

What's up, bro?

Offspring. New guy.

What's up, man?

DAVIS:
Everybody good?

GABE:
Yeah, man.

So, D-Biscuit, haven't seen you

hanging around. Where you been?

- Costa Rica, bro.

- Central America, classic.

I had to do some work.

- Really?

- Working it.

- "Work!"

- This lucky bastard's a surf photographer,

- travels all over.

- Sweet.

What?

Costa Rica.

- Ooh!

- Oh!

The mountains of Costa Rica.

Whoa! Whoa!

That's classified.

Gotta watch it, Davis.

That one looks like a wife.

She got "wife eyes."

"Girlfriend tits," but definitely "wife eyes."

I've got to get better pictures on my phone.

Your phone ain't the problem, bro.

Come on. You guys are the ones

living the real dream.

I will Freaky Fridaywith you anytime.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, Patel, what's the Camaro situation?

- You ready to sell that bad boy or what?

- Never.

- Never?

- Yeah.

Ask him when was the last time he drove it.

Plus, you can't even get

a car seat in that thing.

Patel's wife wants him to trade in

his '69 Camaro.

We have bets on how long he can last.

Gabriel, I understand you've embraced

the minivan, and that's yourjourney,

but I don't want to drive a vagina on wheels.

My vagina seats seven, comfortably.

I've been in it a million times.

Plus, Patel test drove a minivan

last week anyway.

- What?

- So?

That doesn't mean anything!

I look at houses with Holly,

but we're not buying one.

(ALL LAUGHING)

- Bro, bro, bro.

- What?

When your wife says

you're just test driving minivans,

you're buying a minivan.

And when she says

you're just looking at houses,

- you're buying a house.

- No, I'm not.

VIC:
Oh, yes, you are.

ALEX:
I'm not buying a house.

Check your receipts.

Welcome to escrow, b*tch.

No, thank you. Have the Breast Day!

Janice! Janice!

- You're not gonna believe this.

- What?

You are looking at

one of the keynote speakers

at the next regional ABC Kids Expo.

- Shut up! No!

- Yes!

You're living your wisdom!

I know!

- She's speaking at the Expo!

- I'm speaking at the Expo!

(SINGING) At the Expo, about the breast pump

And the lactation

- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

- Oh! Oh!

Sorry, I just... Sorry.

No more cell phones.

Landlines only from here on out.

I am protecting my miracle.

Actually, that was my cell phone.

(AD JINGLE PLAYING)

Hey, guys. I'm sorry.

Can I just borrow Alex for two secs?

- What?

- This is it!

- Already?

- Yes!

It's supposed to be a year. Or more!

SOCIAL WORKER:
(ON SPEAKER)

You got lucky. I'm sending his pictures now.

His name is Kaleb, he's six weeks old.

We don't have any family medical history

and probably never will

so you two will need to consider

whether that'll be an issue for you.

- Well...

- It's not!

- Okay. It's not.

- It's not.

Great, I'll leave you to it.

- (COMPUTER CHIMES)

- Oh...

Oh, my God! Alex, look at him!

He's gorgeous!

Can you feel it?

We're gonna be a family.

Oh, yeah. Real soon.

- Here, let's take a picture by the sign.

- All right.

Okay, make sure you get the sign

and the house.

And us.

It's a boy.

- Wow!

- Honey!

I just peed myself a little.

A girl.

- Yes!

- A mini-me!

(MOANING)

- EVAN:
We want it to be a surprise.

- It's okay. We don't have to say.

Evan, I'm pregnant. That's surprise enough.

We wanna know.

It's a boy.

A boy! That's so cute! I love boys!

- It looks like it's a little early to tell.

- Wow.

That's okay.

She looks good.

(CLEARS THROAT)

- It's a boy, Dad.

- Oh. Well...

He kinda looks like

the Loch Ness Monster to me,

but I'll take your word for it.

He's beautiful, y'all.

- Thank you.

- Now I will see your baby,

and raise you one more.

GARY:
Whoa!

WENDY:
Wow!

Twins!

GARY:
Twins.

- Oh, my goodness! So great!

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