What to Expect When You're Expecting Page #5

- God.

Can you believe it? Two!

Two nmero unos.

- And you got the 4-D ultrasound video.

- Yeah.

Don't you kinda wish you'd done it now?

I offered to pay for it.

So, who wants dessert?

I do! Park it here.

- I don't know if you take it right off...

- What? Maybe you don't.

- Take it easy.

- Wow!

Two! Two nmero unos! Huh?

Holy sh*t!

- What?

- MARCO:
Whoa, whoa, stop, stop, stop!

All right, turn to the side.

Flash me the belly. I want to see it. Come on.

I know. I'm finally starting to show.

- I'm gonna take one every week.

- Nice.

- Watch you two grow.

- That's a good one.

That's a good one, huh?

Little peanut.

I'm really glad you're here.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Where else would I be?

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Marco? Wake up.

Huh?

I'm bleeding.

Reminding, rewinding

Removing, regretting

Forgetting

Your smiles at the wake and

Your tears at the wedding

Forgetting

It's my fault. I wished it.

Don't say that. It's not your fault. Okay?

I never even felt it kick.

Congratulations. You're off the hook.

Rosie, don't say that. Come on. Hey!

Hey!

Rosie, hey!

We're not a couple.

We've never even been on a real date,

you know.

I think we can do ourselves a favor

and stop pretending.

Rosie! Hey, it's me!

Tequila shots! Don't judge.

Sh*t, Ro. You okay?

- Yeah, I want to get inside.

- Come on.

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Fighting fit.

All right, that's perfect. Let's see the bump.

That's great.

- Turn to your right.

- Can we hurry this up?

He's pushing on my bladder.

Great. All right. We got it.

Okay, but did you get my rack?

Because I am gonna need evidence

that I had these.

- We've got proof.

- You got it? Okay.

Yeah. That's great. Thanks, Jules.

- Jules, that was great.

- Thank you.

We are so excited to have you

as our Spring cover mom.

Me, too.

Listen, can we just try to keep it positive?

You know, there's a lot of articles out there

that make women over 35 who are pregnant

feel like crap.

- Right.

- And I just don't want...

- No, it's gonna be so...

- Sorry, I've got to take this.

Hey, you. Did you watch it?

That circumcision video you sent me?

Give me a little heads up next time.

I was eating lunch. Now I'm scarred for life.

Yeah, gross! Nobody needs to see

how the sausage gets made, Jules!

I'm not gonna let somebody

hurt my baby like that.

Jules, trust me.

He's not even gonna remember it.

It's not even medically necessary.

And besides, it actually makes the penis

less sensitive.

That's why you do it. Give the kid

some endurance, a fighting chance.

He's perfect as he is. I don't get the point.

What is it?

Um...

Because I'm Jewish?

Half Jewish.

Christmas tree Jewish, that's what you said.

But my penis is full Jew.

This is my jurisdiction.

JULES:
Okay, so I have no say in

what happens to my son?

Besides, if you had your foreskin,

maybe I would like you a little bit more.

How much more?

A tip more.

Look, I would feel shafted if we didn't do it.

Can we discuss this weirdness later?

I'm working.

Okay.

I love you. Bye.

Love you, too.

Well, if it's any consolation,

I like an uncut guy.

Yeah, I once banged my way

straight across Eastern Europe.

It was fun.

ALEX:
I don't know, man. Out of the blue,

I got this call and suddenly...

- VIC:
Jordan!

- ...we got this baby.

VIC:
That's right, you got a baby.

ALEX:
It's not good.

They said it was gonna be

at least a year or more, all right?

And that's the one thing you can count on

with adoption, right? Time.

Woo, woo, woo!

ALEX:
I need that time to save, to get ready.

There's no such thing as ready.

You just jump on a moving train

and try not to die.

- (SIGHS) Great.

- What's up, man? You terrified?

Because you should be.

Here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna get to the hospital room.

And she's gonna be laying there

with her legs splayed wide open.

My woman gave birth doggie-style.

They can do that, you know.

And then out is gonna slide a little miracle.

Half you, half her, your DNA all mixed

together in one magical baby cocktail.

The best day of your life.

That's sweet, but Alex here is adopting.

Oh.

Yeah, do it that way. No fuss, no muss.

VIC:
Come on, Jordan!

- What if he hates me?

- He will.

I mean, what if he tries to kill me

in my sleep when he's 15?

Well, then I guess

you're not a very good father.

That's normal.

That's like every Greek tragedy.

- Yeah.

- Come on, guys.

I'm serious, okay? I need help.

Dude, you're gonna be fine.

You've just got to get over

your fear of babies. They can smell fear.

Like bears or wives.

You need some practice.

Here, hold Henry for a second.

- ALL:
No, no, no, no, no!

- Do not do that.

- Do not touch his baby!

- Shut up!

That kid is a grenade, and he will go off.

You know what, start with Evander here.

She never cries.

No, I'm cool, thank you.

She fell off the changing table last week,

didn't make a sound.

You dropped your kid off a changing table?

How was that even possible?

It's very possible.

It's much more common than you think.

But you know what? Rule number two...

- We don't judge.

- No judging.

Stuffjust happens, okay?

Last week my kid ate a cigarette.

I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday.

I picked up the wrong baby from day care.

Found my baby swimming in the toilet.

And for the record,

the roll-off did not happen on my watch.

- Ooh. Dodged a bullet.

- No judging.

- Come on. Come on.

- No, really, that's okay.

- Come on. Come on. Here you go!

- That's all right.

GABE:
Good catch.

(CRYING)

Take her back.

Take her back!

I hope that adoption agency

has a return policy.

Big help, guys. Glad I came out.

It's Davis!

ALL:
(CHANTING) Davis! Davis! Davis!

- Yeah, bro!

- D-Bone!

- What is up?

- Boom.

S'up fellas, kids, Jordan!

Dude, this kid is like Mickey Rourke

in The Wrestler.

I wish he was that well behaved.

He's more like Mickey Rourke in real life.

(ALL LAUGHING)

So tall.

- Been working out?

- Oh, yeah.

I missed out on high fives before.

I'll take one if you had a spare.

- I got you, Craig.

- Thank you.

- Sorry, Davis.

- All right, I'm out of here.

Nice job, Craig.

Kara, what time is it?

I've got 20 minutes to make it

to the crib sale at Babies "R" Us.

I've been totally cracking out on baby stuff.

Sneaker-socks.

I've got my 2-in-1 swing rocker.

What is with the face?

Holly, I'm sorry to tell you this

but we just had our budget meeting,

and I don't know

that we're renewing your contract.

I've got to cut down on all my freelancers.

You were the last one hired.

Wait. But this is my main job.

We're about to close on the house.

I'm doing what I can to keep you,

but it just isn't looking good.

(SIGHS)

Okay.

- Don't hate me.

- No.

Do me a favor?

Don't tell Alex

until I can find something else. Okay?

Okay.

- I'm sorry.

- No.

JULES:
And reach! And push.

Okay now, break starfish formation.

Let's get back in position.

I want opposite sets. Crunch it up.

I want 10 of those on each side.

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote