What to Expect When You're Expecting Page #7

If we're not back by 10:00,

the baby-sitter charges double.

- And steals sh*t.

- Come on!

- Who's your... What?

- You guys.

- Go home.

- No, stay.

Have sex. Because it's gonna be a while.

- Okay.

- You're driving.

Thanks, Ms. K. You done us up right.

Hey, no problem. It's the least I can do,

since Holly lost herjob.

What?

I'm sorry.

Baby shower!

MARCO:
Rosie!

Hey, Rosie?

Hey, stop!

Hey, Marco! I didn't see you.

That's bullshit. You looked right at me.

How you doing? You okay?

What are you doing here?

I'm just seeing my favorite band.

I asked how you were.

Sorry, I can't do this.

Rosie, I miss you.

Yeah, I miss me, too.

Well, I guess it just takes time.

Marco! What are you doing?

Really? How much time?

She's just a friend.

You lost your one steady gig

and you didn't even tell me.

- Are you kidding me?

- I know. I'm sorry.

I was just trying to get something else

- before you noticed.

- Right.

So it would be "Hey, I got some newjobs,"

and not "Holy sh*t, we can't afford our life."

You know, I know you've been

so worried about saving and the house...

Yeah, we're in this together.

Here I am,

trying to get ready for something that's...

Oh, my God!

- What?

- I knew it.

You're not even ready?

Look, I'm not like you, okay?

I can't just look at a picture

and feel some magical bond.

And you lying to me isn't helping.

- Look, I know, okay? I screwed up.

- Yeah. You did.

I just...

I just couldn't handle

another thing being my fault.

Okay? I'm the one with the bad eggs.

I'm the one who made us spend

the 401 K money on IVF.

And I'm the one who can't do the one thing

a woman is supposed to be able to do.

Holly, that's enough. Stop it.

(SIGHS)

You don't even want this, do you?

I never said that.

Not out loud.

I can't believe you didn't tell him. (BELCHES)

You know what? Glass houses, Craig!

I know all about how you call your son

"Henry" when Kara's not around.

- Holly, let's go. Let's go.

- You what?

You don't like the name "Henri"?

That is such a bold-faced lie!

He's obviously joking!

Guess who's not getting any tonight?

First rule, Alex!

An obvious joke that Latins with their Latin,

spicy Latin sense of humor...

You've seen Univision. He was kidding.

When you look like him, you can have

- a spicy sense of humor, stupid! All right?

- Get in the car.

- He was obviously kidding.

- You get in the car!

Don't you talk to me like that!

CRAIG:
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

- KARA:
Do not touch me.

- I love you so much.

- Shut up. I don't want to hear it.

- I love you so much.

KARA:
Stop talking!

Okay, here we are in Atlanta, Georgia.

Home of one of the audience favorites

from Season 4.

Okay, we're popping in on him

and see how he's maintaining his weight

and healthy lifestyle.

Here we go.

Drop the pig, Gary Cooper!

- What?

- That's right.

Jules! Oh, my...

- It's a documentary?

- GARY:
Hi!

- No. It's a real thing. It's live.

- What do we got there?

This isn't actually for me.

I was just picking this up for a friend.

Remember this guy? See that guy?

- You remember him?

- Oh, jeez.

This is a one-time thing. It's a treat.

That's what I thought you might say.

We've been doing a little recon on you.

- Nice sweater, by the way.

- GARY:
Thank you.

My wife is pregnant, Jules, okay?

And you know, it's really common for guys

to put on a little weight as their wife does.

It's called "Couvade Syndrome"

or "Sympathetic Pregnancy."

No. It's called a crutch, Gary.

Come on. We need to deal with

what the real issue is.

You need to deal with it today,

not 100 pounds from now.

Do you wanna be this guy again?

Could we stop this, please?

Because you don't even understand

what I'm talking about.

- I don't understand?

- It's not an issue you have in your life.

- Stop it.

- Ever since I've had this belly

people think it's okay,

not just to have an opinion about me

but to have an opinion about my baby.

Seriously, in what world

is it okay for a complete stranger

to comment on my son's penis

before he's even born?

Jesus! Somebody, anybody,

please ask me what I'm craving.

What are you craving?

That looks pretty good.

They are really good.

They're not good for you,

but they're really good.

Okay, we can cut that part out.

Are we still rolling? We good?

We good? Okay, here we go.

We are gonna deal with this issue, Gary,

in a very healthy way.

- Okay

- I wanna hear you say, "I can do it!"

- Just like you did in Season 4.

- Okay.

- I wanna hear it. Say it! "I can do it!"

- I can do it!

- I can do it! I can do it!

- I can do it!

- You and I are gonna do it together, Gary.

- Okay!

You and I, here we go.

We're gonna do lunges. Ready?

And I want it deep, to the knee,

and squeeze back up.

One more. Come on in.

Let's go.

- Jules! Oh, my God! Are you okay?

- Oh, my God!

- Are you okay?

- JULES:
No! I'm okay. Oh, my God!

J.J.:
Gary. Someone's gotta call 9-1 -1.

GARY:
Okay, yeah.

Oh, God! No!

What's up, guys?

Guys! Hey! Whoa, whoa! Wait up.

Freeze! Don't take another step!

You told your wife

Craig likes to call Henri "Henry"?

- She did not take it well.

- Okay, my bad, my bad. I'm sorry.

We're here to let off a little steam.

Not break up families.

Craig shouldn't have to see his kids only

on weekends 'cause you got a big mouth.

Hey, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.

Darn right you weren't thinking.

You wanna adopt? Adopt some new friends.

Come on, guys. Really?

Unbelievable!

ALEX:
Craig! Come on, Craig!

Hey, don't think

that I won't punch you in the neck

just 'cause I have an infant strapped to me.

- I still have full range of motion.

- Look, I'm in crisis here. All right?

We had to pull out of the house.

Now Holly won't even talk to me.

She thinks I don't want the baby.

Well, do you?

Yeah.

Really?

Okay, I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, you said

this is where happiness goes to die.

Henry cries if you touch him.

You found your kid in the toilet, right?

Jordan is a spaz.

VIC:
You're the spaz.

You just don't get it. We love being dads.

When I was young,

I used to think I was so happy.

But now, I know I'm happy.

Exhausted

but happy.

I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Yeah. You don't know true love

till you've wiped someone's butt.

GABE:
Look at me, man.

I love my baby so much,

I worry I'm gonna eat him.

I am a lackluster husband

but an above-average dad.

VIC:
You gotta figure it out, bro.

You're on your own.

Burn!

That's it? What about the "no judging" rule?

'Cause I'm feeling a little judged right now.

You broke the code, bro.

Yeah! Go do your pull-ups!

ALL:
(CHANTING) Davis! Davis!

The hospital said I could fly pretty soon.

Nice try.

You need to stay in bed so we can keep

your contractions under control.

- You're having this baby in Atlanta.

- You don't understand.

I have to get back to L.A.

I have to finish my show.

And what?

Have your water break at 30,000 feet?

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