What to Expect When You're Expecting Page #8

I climbed Everest, okay?

I'm pretty confident I can keep this baby in

until I get home.

I can do that, okay? I can do it.

No. You can't. You need to stay in bed.

Honestly, you don't have a choice.

Now who can you call

to come take care of you?

WENDY:
Gary, honey, slow down!

You're practically sprinting!

Okay. Okay.

Squeaks, are you sure you feel all right?

Quit asking me! I'm great!

Oh, my...

Sweet bird of paradise, what is that smell?

Is that you?

If you must know it's the baby.

The baby has gas, okay?

The poor little thing can't help itself.

- Kinda smelt like you, actually.

- Don't talk about our baby like that!

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Wow, thank you!

- Thank you.

The baby just peed itself a little.

Are you sure that speaking at the Kids Expo

next week is the best idea?

I need support!

Hey! Look who made it!

Come on back!

These girls have got it goin' on back there!

You too, Gar. Come on!

Your mom's gonna be glad to see you.

Still not my mom. She was born in '86.

All right.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

- RAMSEY:
Kickin' ass, J.B.

- Wendy! Come here, girl!

Foot massages and henna tats!

Neat!

Hey, you sure it's not Wendy

who's having the twins?

Dad.

Oh, son, you gotta learn to lighten up,

or it's gonna be a hell of a long day.

Oh, my gosh!

(MOANING)

- Hey, Gary.

- Hey.

We saw you on that Lose it and Weep show.

My wife and I cried every pound you lost.

- Don't you gain it back.

- Yeah, yeah. I'm working on it.

- Here you go, pal. Drink up.

- No, thanks. I'm good.

So, what is it like

to be the son of a racing legend?

- Yeah!

- Do you ever get on the track with that guy?

One time.

- The Great Go-Kart Beatdown of 1989.

- (BOTH LAUGHING)

- Dad, they don't wanna hear about this.

- Yeah, we do.

I won.

He cheated. He cheated.

No. It was just an exercise

in gamesmanship.

And beatdownsmanship.

Yeah, you win again, Dad.

Hey, where are you going?

You can't walk away from a fresh margarita!

I'm not supposed to drink my calories, Dad!

We can always make it a Skinny Girl!

(ALL LAUGHING)

RAMSEY:
He's great.

He's a great kid, isn't he?

Ramsey Cooper.

I will not have my son treated like that.

Put your drink down,

get your ass out there

and fix what needs fixing.

We were just having a little fun.

I'm just trying to toughen him up.

He needs to heal, okay?

And you need to listen. I mean it, Ram Bam.

I will not have these babies come into this

world when there is strife in our family.

Now go.

Put your drink down.

And go.

Okay, Tater Tot.

It's okay. Just 'cause you have a bad dad

doesn't mean you're gonna be a bad dad.

You will not ridicule, you will not compete.

I will not compete!

Are you talking to yourself again?

I need some alone time, Dad.

Need some alone time.

I will not compete!

You can't get rid of me that easy.

- Oh, God! Dad, I'm not racing.

- Neither am I.

I'm not falling for that trick.

Just get it off your chest, son.

I'm sick of competing with you, okay?

That's it. Just keep going. I'm listening.

- You named me Gary Cooper, for chrissake!

- Get it all out.

You're the reason I got fat!

You are the reason I got fat!

Whoa, ouch! That hurt. Slow down. Stop.

Really?

I guess I've been kind of a sh*t sandwich

in the old Dad department, huh?

I saw every episode

of your Lose it season.

I have the whole thing on DVD, Blu-ray.

And sometimes,

I stay up at night and I watch it

over and over again.

Really?

Yeah.

This is hard for me.

But there's something

that I really wanna tell you.

Okay, Dad.

(LAUGHING)

Beat me home

and we never have to race again!

God damn it!

This is not good parenting!

I'm gonna beat you!

(WHOOPING)

This is so ridiculous!

- Hey, Bob! Hey, Dave!

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

GARY:
Sorry!

RAMSEY:
Where you going? Narnia?

GARY:
You wanna go crazy? Let's go crazy!

RAMSEY:
Now that's the Cooper spirit!

GARY:
Yes.

- RAMSEY:
Rubbing is racing!

- Hey!

RAMSEY:
Here's a little love tap for you.

You're still cheating!

Get ready! Here comes the checkered flag!

GARY:
Stop it!

There's only one nmero uno, son.

I'm not nmero dos!

Toe-to-toe!

(SCREAMING)

(ALL CHEERING)

I won!

He wasted Margaritaville.

He won!

Yeah!

Your daddy's such a good dancer.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hello?

- Hello.

- Oh, my God!

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be on the show!

- Megan and I got kicked off.

- Oh, my God.

Watch this. Watch this.

Oh, God! Oh, my God!

You threw your samba for me.

The judges called it a "national disaster."

I don't want anyone else

taking care of you.

That's my job.

Okay, look. You were right, okay? You win...

Jules, I don't wanna be right.

I don't wanna win.

(SIGHS) I just want you

and our baby safe. Okay?

Mmm.

That was actually, like,

a national disaster right there.

Daddy's here.

I'm gonna give you the one,

but it's not for the right reasons.

See you tomorrow.

If you want me to go, I'll go.

What happened to your hand?

Look. I want you to know that I get it.

I'll probably never really understand

what you went through.

But I don't want that to be the reason

we're not together.

You were right,

I never even took you out on a real date.

But I want to.

I made these for you.

Caramels.

Piece-of-sh*t double boiler.

I thought you said never again.

Well, I made an exception.

Um...

Marco, the reason we're not together

has nothing to do with the fact

we were gonna have a baby.

It wouldn't have worked anyway.

That's bullshit, Rosie.

Give me one good reason.

Okay, you don't have a car.

What? Says the girl

with the duct-taped Civic.

- Seriously?

- Fine. It's not the car.

- You got me.

- Then what, Rosie? What?

'Cause we were great.

You know, you have the worst taste in girls.

You go for the most obvious,

least-interesting chef groupies ever.

What does that say about me

if that's what you're into?

Well, they can't all be you, now can they?

- You wanna know what it is?

- Yeah.

Every time I look at your face, it kills me.

Is that enough of a reason?

Can we be done

with this conversation, please?

Yeah. We can be done.

Here.

No. I don't even like caramels.

Just keep them. Take them.

(SIGHS)

- SKYLER:
Holly, thank you for coming.

- Sure.

- I can't wait to see this.

- It's a little big.

- Well, you know we wanted it big.

- I know.

All right, let's see it.

You might wanna wait

till you get home to open it, I think.

Mmm-mmm. No, I wanna see it right here.

Oh. Okay.

I did it exactly how you want.

I love it! I love it!

- You do? Good.

- I love it!

Holly!

And when you come back from Africa

I'm gonna get you to take a picture of

these twins, and my stepson's baby.

I mean,

you are gonna be our family photographer!

Hey!

I felt a kick in there!

I'm gonna cover this up for you.

Do you wanna feel?

Sure.

It's two in there, yeah?

- Do you feel that?

- Yeah.

It really is a miracle, isn't it?

(MUSIC BOX PLAYING)

- Wendy! There you are!

- Hi, here I am.

And looking so fantastic!

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