What to Expect When You're Expecting Page #9

We are so glad you agreed to speak.

Hello, there! Aren't you just loving it?

Experiencing everything for yourself?

You must be ecstatic,

every second of every day.

Every day, every second, totally ecstatic.

JANICE:
Hey, Wendy.

We have to get some of these for the store.

It tastes like real nipple.

Janice, I don't think I can do this.

I mean, I can't go out there

and just act like everything's peachy.

I really feel like crap.

It's so hot.

You can do it.

Just put one cankle in front of the other.

Get out there and tell the truth

and share your wisdom.

Janice, I just peed myself.

- That's natural.

- No, Janice.

Like a lot.

And now, please welcome

our keynote speaker,

Wendy Cooper of The Breast Choice!

Hi. That's me, here?

Okay.

I sit here. Okay.

(SIGHS)

Janice?

- Janice? Sweetie?

- What?

- WENDY:
Get my speech. Get my speech.

- (ALL LAUGHING) (WHISPERING)

- In my pocket!

- What?

Sorry.

- Okay.

- My God.

- Okay.

- JANICE:
Hi there.

- What's this liquid on my butt?

- (SHUSHING)

No. Don't. Okay, thank you.

JANICE:
Maybe I just

- peed myself 'cause I'm pregnant.

- WENDY:
No. No.

- No.

- JANICE:
Yeah.

And that's why I go to The Breast Choice

for all my pregnancy needs.

Thank you, Janice.

JANICE:
Okay. Um...

- Over to Wendy.

- Yep.

- Tell them about your glow.

- Thank you, Janice.

The magical, happy miracle,

experiencing pregnancy.

Pregnancy's glow is made

from two scoops of angel kisses.

It begins when you feel the first...

Sorry.

- Hormones! Right?

- (WOMEN CHUCKLING)

I just find myself crying all the time.

(EXHALES)

Okay, you know what? The truth...

The truth is...

I can't think with this thing on.

I'm sorry. I am so uncomfortable.

I don't even recognize my body anymore,

you know?

It's like I could fit 20 of my old bras

into this one giant piece

of Granny spandex that's just...

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

Okay.

Thank you.

- Should we all take off our bras?

- I think we're good.

- It's a bit small.

- No. Please don't.

I'm sorry.

I didn't think about any of this stuff

before I got pregnant.

I just wanted the glow.

The one they promise you on the cover

of those magazines, with the pretty lady

looking down at her perfectly round belly

with that sweet smile.

Well, I'm calling it.

I'm calling bullshit.

I'm calling bullshit on the whole thing.

Pregnancy sucks.

Making a human being is really hard.

I have no control over my body

or my emotions.

Gar Bear. I'm sorry.

All I wanna do is punch you in the face

but I love you so much so I don't mean it.

I love you too, Squeaks. You're doing great.

I don't know about you

but I didn't get the glow. I got bacne

and hemorrhoids.

Have you ever seen those?

Don't do it. Don't take the mirror down there.

And then I have these

purple stretch marks everywhere.

And pressure hanging from my uterus

that makes me walk like

I was kicked in the vag. I just...

Okay. Maybe it's time to stop there.

- Too far.

- That's the end.

I couldn't think of another way

to describe it.

That was really good.

WENDY:
(SIGHS) So...

JANICE:
There we go.

Thank you.

They say when it's all over

you forget the whole thing.

I, for one, really hope that's true.

(FARTS)

Like that. I really hope I forget that.

Wendy Cooper, everybody.

...hanging from my uterus

that makes me walk like

I was kicked in the...

No. I don't think you went too far at all.

Seriously. No one's even gonna see this.

This is gonna ruin my business.

This is all gonna blow over.

It's not a big deal at all for sure.

WENDY:
Oh, God.

Gar. Oh, no.

It's a mob. It's a mob, Gar.

Look at them, they look angry.

- Hold your head high.

- I can't.

Just prop it on your b*obs then.

WENDY:
Oh, no.

I'm gonna have to go into hiding.

Janice.

- Oh, my gosh.

- Wendy.

Look, you got more hits

than that cow dancing video.

Two million!

(SINGING)

Hormones, hormones

Punch you in the face

punch you in the face

All I want to do is punch you in the face

I just got bacne

Calling bullshit on the whole thing

Pregnancy sucks

(KNOCKING ON WINDOWS)

All right, okay.

I'm coming. Just hold on to your va-jay-jays!

It's pretty good.

JANICE:
Yeah, Wendy is here.

Welcome to the workplace of Wendy Cooper,

the star of Internet.

(ALL CLAMORING)

- Wow, nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

We're definitely gonna need

more nipple cream.

Wendy touched this.

Forty dollars.

All right, thank you.

Alex, Holly!

- Yes.

- WOMAN:
Right this way.

Welcome to Ethiopia.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

- Are you excited?

- Oh. We're so excited.

Good, good. Is this your first time?

Yes. Yours?

Fifth.

Awesome.

All right then. Everybody gather up

your things, here we go. Follow me.

Right this way.

I will rip this baby out myself.

I swear to God, you'll see me on the news.

You want this baby on time?

Try walking. That helps sometimes.

Walking.

And amazingly, even Kara is calling him

Henry now. So I owe Alex big-time.

I hear you, I respect you,

- and I will take it under consideration.

- Thank you.

VIC:
You're very welcome.

(LAUGHS) Look who we've got here.

Trying to get that labor started, huh?

You have no idea.

Try having sex. That's the really fun part.

We're here every Saturday, bro.

Tweak the nipples.

- GARY:
Okay. Sounds good.

- Guys, look!

(CHANTING) Davis! Davis!

ALL:
Davis! Davis!

Hey, wait! I got it. I got it.

- Vic, we've got to talk.

- What's up?

Hey, no pull-ups, man?

Are you sick or something?

What's wrong, D-Bone?

You always do your pull-ups.

Remember the girl from Australia?

I remember her well.

Excellent photos, Davis. Slutty, but artful.

Yeah, well...

GABE:
Whoa! What is that?

Is that... Is she yours?

Yeah.

Her name's Ruby and they're moving here.

Vic, you've got to help me, man.

I don't know the first thing about

being a dad.

- Fellows, say hello to our newest member.

- Hi.

- Yes!

- Let's walk, Davis.

I don't walk. I run.

Not anymore, bro. Not anymore.

Jordan! Get out of those bushes!

GABE:
Davis, we are very,

very psyched to have you.

So psyched! Bam!

DAVIS:
Don't ever touch me again.

GABE:
Craig, stop creeping Davis out.

Sure you got everything ready?

Yes.

What are you doing?

I'm just making sure, that's all.

I'm just... Don't, okay?

I'm just trying to get ready.

I know. So am I.

(SIGHS)

It's not that I'm not ready. I'm just...

I'm scared.

I know, honey.

I'm scared, too.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

But we can be scared together.

We just have to jump in. All in.

I know. I'm getting there.

Okay? And...

And I know I'm gonna love him.

Because I love the hell out of his mom.

Let's go meet our son.

Okay.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Welcome back to our live

Lose it and Weep finale.

We're just moments away

from finding out who our big,

or shall I say "small" winner is.

(CHEERING)

Oh, my God. I'm already crying.

ROSIE:
They look amazing.

I'd totally let that one do me.

Now, before we get down to business,

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