Where's the Money Page #6

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won't get they d*cks

shot off.

- Oh.

- Hmm?

Now I'm gonna go in here

with your sexy-ass momma

and see if she make me some

of her world-famous sassy eggs.

Come on, man.

What, juice?

Does this affect my 5%?

Alcohol! Alcohol!

My baby brought me a beer!

That's a good baby!

He looks like me

a little bit, right?

Suck it.

Suck it!

Okay, so my thing

is I can always tell

when they don't use

real dinosaurs in movies.

- Pledge buttersworth!

- Oh, sh*t!

What are you doing

in here, man?

You should be out there

with the other babies.

Yeah, I just wanna use

the bathroom real quick.

What do you think

that diaper's for?

No, I'm just playing, no!

But there's no bathroom

in there, man.

That's the basement. There's

no need to go in there.

Listen, man, sometimes i

just need a place to think,

like, clear my thoughts,

and I just thought down there

would be best.

I get it, man.

I know this hazing stuff

is exhausting.

Yeah, so exhausting.

- Degrading.

- You got me in a diaper.

I know it's silly, man.

But once you make it

through this,

we're brothers, family,

tell each other secrets,

watch each other's backs.

So you gonna join

this family?

Yeah, man.

I'm gonna do it.

Okay.

Man, what you talking about?

Get out there with the babies.

Come on, man!

Do the baby walk, though.

Do that- do that baby walk.

There it go.

- Ay, hit it, work, yeah.

- Million dollars.

Glad we had this talk, man.

Great talk.

Listen up, babies!

You may think

pledging is all diapers,

binkies,

and verbal abuse...

...but it's also about

giving back to the community.

So our red hot bros

and filthy rich females

charity gala is coming up,

and you dirtbags,

along with our beautiful selves

are gonna be auctioned off

to the highest bidders

from our sister sorority-

- trigger warning!

- Whoa, whoa, t. W., t. W.

What's that,

pledge buttersworth?

I'm sorry,

i just thought I heard him say

that you guys were

gonna auction us off?

Well, yeah, in order

to raise money

for local charities,

you'll be auctioned off-

- oh, I hear it now.

- Oh, sh*t, not again.

Come on, man!

You can't be serious!

Oh, I'm sorry, Brock,

if you and I have

a slightly different reaction

to the idea of us being

auctioned off

to rich white people

outside

of a plantation house.

Okay, let's bro-dle.

Hey, bro-dle.

No way he's getting

out of this.

Hey, look, I knew

a black guy growing up,

and he was not like this,

man.

You could say anything

you wanted to him.

Yeah, he even

let me touch his hair.

Okay, yeah.

- Buttersworth?

- Yeah.

You don't have to be

auctioned off.

We're gonna make you

the auctioneer.

It'll be empowering!

Yeah, yeah,

i guess that works.

It's an affirmative auction.

I am a master.

I play white guilt like

Michael Jordan plays basketball.

I'm talking like Stevie wonder

plays the piano.

Okay, so you're

the auctioneer.

- Mm-hmm.

- So what?

So since that I'm

in charge of the proceedings...

Don't mess this up, pledge!

...i can keep them busy while

you guys go look for the money.

Now, my great-great-great-

great-granddaddy

would love

to hear me say this.

Get your billfolds out

'cause we buying

white people today!

Yeah!

Make some noise!

First, we're gonna need

to figure out

a way to get

you into the party.

How about having tits

and a pulse?

That'll work.

Once everyone's outside,

juice, you're gonna slip

into the basement

and make your move.

The longer I can keep

the auction going,

the more time it buys us

to look for the money.

Come on!

I'll make sure the tools

are down there waiting for you.

Oh! Whoa.

Oh, y- oh. Ah, yeah.

That's your spot right there.

Brother Clarke here is actually

an amazing impressionist.

- No.

- Yes, got some impressions for us, don't you?

- I do not.

- Um...

Whoo!

You're a little tight.

Okay, you-

you kinda like my ex.

It's kinda hard to find your

spot, but I'm gonna find you.

Why don't you try someone

that everybody knows?

Like Denzel Washington, you

know, put your shoulders up.

"Okay, all right, huh?

What, are we at an auction?

What, are we gonna buy

white people?

That's what you telling me?

You telling me you gonna buy

white people?

What type of white people

are we gonna buy, huh?"

I don't think

i should do that.

And now let's get brother Ben

to the stage,

ladies and gentlemen, Ben!

Oh, come on, bro,

that's not cool.

What are you talking about, man?

Drawing d*cks is always funny.

You ladies know our resident

sexpert, brother Eddie.

I'd like to dedicate

this first move

to an invention that changed

the face of modern warfare...

And sexuality.

It's called the gatling gun.

It works best

if she's bow-legged.

Am I right, Sarah?

Wink face.

Maybe Mike Tyson,

famous boxer?

"I got these-

i got these pigeons here.

And we put these pigeons

together and we make them kiss. "

Yeah, no,

definitely not that one.

I give you...

The pinwheel.

Do you know any comedians?

Do you know bill cosby?

I could maybe try that.

Perfect. Ladies and gentlemen,

bill cosby.

"You see...

When...

She eats the pud-ding,

you put the quaaludes

in the pud-ding

and then she eats

the pud-ding,

and she gets sleepy

with the pud-ding.

And then you climb

on top of her

and you put

in your black penis-"

guys, um, Clarke,

anybody wanna bid on Clarke?

I'm through playing

motherfucking games with you!

Right now!

Done playing games, uh-huh!

Yeah!

You brought it on yourself!

Okay, okay.

Oh! Oh, my-

these white boys got rats.

Are they keeping them as pets?

Where'd it go?

And finally...

A very special move

taught to me

by a very special woman.

Thanks, mom.

This is called the pile driver.

Be careful.

It's rough on the spine.

Good job, Eddie!

All right, come on, someone's

gotta find that appealing.

And now a man who used

a macklemore Lyric

as his yearbook quote,

brother Brock with a freestyle.

Okay, okay, all right,

all right, okay.

Brock in the building,

and I'm feeling fly.

Tux like James Bond,

got that golden eye.

Bars on bars

like the candy shop.

Bid on me, girls,

I'll make your panties drop.

Okay, once you go Brock,

you might never go back.

Make your body numb

like a heart attack.

Okay, here's your chance,

so pull the trigger.

Put it down on you

'cause I'm a dope-ass-

the f*** am I supposed

to say to that?

Wait,

did you forget about me?

Why am I there?

You're gonna bid on Brock.

He's been on me

since I got there.

I just need you to keep him

out the basement.

I'm not f***ing him.

- What? No, no, no.

- No!

Never.

Don't do that ever.

- You want me to f*** him?

- What?

It's a million dollars!

Yeah, but you are only

making 50k.

For 50 gs, my list of not-dos

is pretty short.

Okay, walk it back a step.

You want me to win him

in the auction, right?

- Yeah.

- What am I winning him with?

We're broke.

36, 38-

oh, I got a scratcher.

Wait a minute.

We got 38.

$42 and 68 cents.

How is that gonna be enough?

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