Where's the Money Page #9

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Dude.

That is exactly

what it sounds like.

Oh, sh*t.

Everybody likes butt stuff.

You still have balls

on your chin.

What the f***

are you doing?!

Okay, okay, Leon. Leon!

Just put the crowbar down

and I will come with you.

Leave del out of this.

Del, step aside.

No, mom, I got this, all right?

Time for me to stand my ground.

I said it's time I be a man!

I- it's time I be a man!

Be a man then. What?

I said it's time

for me to a man!

Right now!

Bro, did you see that video

that said that Tupac

is alive and working

with the illuminati?

- Aaliyah and left eye, too.

- Yeah, and it's all true.

It's right there

on the Internet.

It's like they're not

even trying to cover it up.

Wait, wait, wait.

You guys hear that?

Yo, that sounds like a gat.

Good ears, dawg.

It's time for me to be a man!

I need to be a m-a-a-an!

Baby,

are you having a stroke?

Come on, man,

please don't rob us again.

My dad was on the phone

with the bank for hours

getting new credit cards,

hassle factor's-

- do I look like I f***ing care?

- No.

I warned y'all

not to come back here.

Y-

I got this.

Well...

You wanna be a man.

All I see is a little boy

about to piss himself.

Get your ass over there.

You trying to play me?!

You trying to play me?!

Hey,

call your boy off, man!

We know we were supposed

to wait for your signal

to come and help you,

but we couldn't hear

your signal,

and now we need help. Oh-

hold on, hold on.

Is that him?

Is that the f***er

that took our sh*t?

- He's huge!

- Show some respect, little homie.

That is Leon goodlow, son.

Ghetto legend.

Hood hall of fame,

motherf***er!

This thug right here

is a-no good low-life

and he's the type that I do

not associate myself with.

Don't associate with?

Ask yourself if you've ever

seen your friend here

in class or doing homework?

I maintain a solid gpa.

What I do on my own time

is my own business, thank you.

On your own time?

Snooping around their basement?

I'm kappa Alpha chi,

motherf***er, what's good?!

Kappa Alpha chi!

Tell them

who the f*** you are!

Okay, you got the gun

right there.

Guys, just real quick.

I'm-a keep it 100 with you.

My real name

is del goodlow, okay?

I'm not a college student.

I lied about that.

I just did it so I could get

into your frat

and take the money

that my uncle and father

stashed there years ago,

so that's the whole truth.

Oh, my god! I told you!

I told you!

I to-o-Id you!

I told you! I told you!

I told you, like,

six times this that n-n-

new... guy

was up to something!

Yes, okay,

obviously he looks exactly

like that fire inspector

who came to our house,

but I couldn't say that then!

And, yes, it does seem

a little fishy in retrospect

that he kept offering

to remodel our basement.

I bet you're not even

a licensed contractor.

No, I'm not.

You're an a**hole.

How much money we talking

about here, del?

Ain't no big deal.

Just a little something

left over from an old job.

A little money?

That's a million dollars

in there!

- Right?

- Nigga, a million dollars?!

I thought you didn't want

no dirty money!

Sh*t, my morals

start get real flexible

around the mid-six figures.

You know,

legally speaking,

depending on how long

that's been in our basement,

we may technically own it

thanks to something

called adverse possession.

Lucky for me, I don't give

a sh*t about the law.

- Okay.

- So give me the f***in' money.

Whatever happened to me

being a ghetto legend?

Still true.

But...

Million dollars, bro.

Not to mention the shine

my reputation gonna get

if I take out a bad-ass

motherf***er like yourself.

I respect that.

But you ain't getting

that sh*t. I earned that.

However...

I think you might enjoy

the contents of that bag.

Just some odds and ends

i managed

to relieve

these boys of earlier.

Get about 20 gs

for that sh*t.

That's real nice of you, Leon.

Real nice.

Be even nicer, though,

if you just...

Handed over the rest now,

too, hmm?

Ooh-ee!

Oh, look like you got us

in a mess now, del, huh?!

Ain't nobody leaving

this motherf***er

until there's some blood

on the floor!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, okay?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to everyone.

I know you guys are pissed,

and you got every reason to be.

But you gotta understand

why I did what I did.

Okay, I did it

for my moms.

I did it to help

save this place.

Uncle Leon, come on, man,

remember when you and my dad

helped start this gym,

remember how proud you were,

how proud you were to get

these kids off the streets?

Turned my life around.

And guys, I'll admit

when I first met y'all,

I thought you were a bunch of

overprivileged ignorant a**holes

with tiny hands standing

between me and what I needed.

But I misjudged y'all.

Y'all are family.

Y'all are brothers.

I really believe

what Brock said earlier.

Family has

each other's back,

no matter what,

even if they f*** up.

Whether that family name

is kappa Alpha chi...

Kappa Alpha chi.

...or goodlow.

F*** you, del.

Ain't no sentimental

conflict resolution bullshit

gonna work on me, nigga.

Well, f*** you, too then!

Agh! Shot me in the ass!

Shut up!

Barely grazed your ass.

Oh, it hurts.

It hurts.

- I told you it hurts.

- Ooh!

Enough!

You know what, del,

when I found out

your father had told you

about the money,

my first thought-

oh, sh*t!

Goddamn it, del!

How many times

did I tell you to fix

the motherfucking

air conditioner?!

Whoo!

Good things do happen

in the hood.

My moms got to keep

the gym, baby,

and there was still plenty

of money to go around.

Here you go, boys.

Sorry about the basement.

So now we got a family

and we got a business.

And even though

our insurance payments tripled,

I made sure your boy juice

got a job.

Juice, you know

your workman's comp

doesn't cover

stupid, right?

Why did you climb a ladder

so that you could bend down?

- Oh, what up, neighbor?

- What up!

All the fellas

at kappa Alpha chi

learned how to do some real

charity work for a change.

Let's practice!

Come on, let's glove up!

And trap, well, he was

happy to be back in the gym

and part of the family again.

We even gave him a job-

collections.

Yeah, we missing out

on some serious loot, baby.

We need to get that back.

And pops must have

heard the news,

'cause I changed our number

twice and he still calling.

This is del's gym.

Leave a message.

Man, answer the damn phone!

It's me! It's dre!

Nigga, I swear you dead

if you make that gym

a damn crossfit.

Hello?

Feels good to give back

to the community, doesn't it?

Fo' sho'.

- Yeah.

- Okay, there she is!

Why don't you start

with them toilets, Barack?

I deserve that.

Make that happen.

Oh, and one last thing.

Wow, they came back alive

and fully conscious.

If you think that's

impressive...

Del!

Stop macking on the staff

and install

the new air conditioner.

I gotta go to class

in, like, 30 minutes.

Just have juice do it.

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