Whitney Cummings: I'm Your Girlfriend

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1

(techno music playing)

Play it, say it, say it, say it...

Play it, say it, say it, say it...

Woman:
Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Whitney Cummings!

(cheering)

I have to pee. I'm good!

What is up, b*tches? Come on!

(cheering)

Thank you so much for being here.

I'm shooting my HBO special, no big deal.

This has been a dream of

mine for a very long time,

so thank you for being

here, for showing up.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you for wearing shorts, sir.

You were getting ready,

you're like, "I'm going to Whitney's

dream come true, and I'm gonna...

"I'm gonna wear these seersucker..."

operative word:
suck... "shorts.

"I just want her to look at

my scrotum the whole night

to let her know what I think

of her accomplishments."

You know, just that thigh.

You know, that weird part of your thigh

that just looks like a swollen vagina?

That's what I'm looking at.

Really appr... Thanks for shaving, sir.

And where's the camera.

Is there a camera in the...

And for you guys at home, if

you're watching this on YouTube,

f*** you,

Go to HBO Go, like an adult,

so I can get ten cents,

okay, out of this view.

(cheers, applause)

Thank you.

I'm wearing heels tonight, it's

the least you could f***ing do.

I like you guys. You guys are hot, sexy.

Sexy people. Are you guys young? Young?

Yeah? Yeah? Anyone in their 20s?

- 20s?

- Audience:
Whoo!

That's what you do in your 20s, you "whoo."

Hold old are you?

- 27.

- 27.

Well, you're 30.

(laughter, applause)

Younger than 27?

- Woman:
24.

- 24! (laughing)

Yeah, life's about to f*** you up real bad.

I love seeing girls in their

20s. It cracks me up, man.

It reminds me of when I was in my 20s.

'Cause when I was in my

20s, I was such an idiot.

Like, when I was in my 20s, I

was the worst combination of...

I was arrogant, but I was also,

like, delusional, you know?

Like, when I was in my 20s,

I thought that I was a catch.

I thought I was funny

and interesting and smart,

but I wasn't. You're not.

Okay? It's just that guys want

to have sex with you, right?

So they laugh at your stupid jokes.

They listen to your boring-ass stories.

And then you start getting an ego.

You start thinking you're awesome.

Then you turn 30, and guys stop

wanting to have sex with you,

and then you're just left

with a terrible personality.

That's what happened to

me. I got enabled in my 20s,

now I'm in my 30s, and I'm just a... dick.

I'm the worst. I'm loud.

I'm obnoxious. I'm bossy.

You know? But I think I got

confused about what guys like.

'Cause you remember there was

a rumor going around for a while

that men like strong women?

People would say that. They'd

be like, "Men like strong women.

Men like independent, strong women."

Yeah, no they don't.

Okay, I've seen porn.

Men like Asian schoolgirls

with duct tape over their mouths.

(laughter, applause)

That's what men like.

Literally, in porn they have

categories you can pick from.

There's a menu on the side. It's like,

"girl-on-girl,

college girls,"

there's no "CEO."

(laughter)

Guys aren't watching porn, like,

"Yeah, girl, get that promotion, yeah."

It sucks.

It sucks because I feel like I worked

my ass off to accomplish my goals,

to accomplish my dreams.

Now I feel like I have the best life ever.

I have the career I want,

but guys are not into that.

Guys aren't into self-sufficient girls,

you know, who are independent.

That's not a turn-on.

I'm not a sexy woman.

My dirty talk is not sexy.

I'm like, "Hey, wanna

come back to my house...

that I own?"

(laughter)

Not a turn-on.

Guys like girls to be,

like, vulnerable and coy.

Guy's like girls to be like "Mmm...

"I'm lost.

"Can you help me? Mmm...

Your dick's too big, it hurts. Mmm..."

It doesn't.

(laughter, applause)

I'm in my 30s. Nothing

f***ing hurts anymore.

My lower back kind of hurts.

- (laughter)

- That's another...

That's a different story.

So, I don't know what to do, you know?

I can't stop achieving my goals, right?

I can't stop doing what I love.

So I feel like what I need to start

doing is when I meet a guy that I like,

I just need to acknowledge what

they find unattractive about me

and just straight up negotiate with them.

I'm gonna be like, "Look,

I know I'm not 24, but...

"I have a pool."

"I know I'm not adorable and

coy, but I can pay all your bills.

I can get you out of debt today!"

There's so much evidence in our culture

that you guys like tiny, fragile women.

You know, especially in our vernacular.

Even the fact that you guys call us "baby."

No one else think that's weird?

Especially in a sexual connotation.

Baby is the only socially

acceptable increment of age

you can say to a woman in bed, you know?

You can't be like, "Yeah,

bend over toddler, yeah."

"Yeah, you like that, preteen? Uhn!"

I don't like it. I think it's creepy.

That's when a guy calls me

"baby" in bed, I'll be like,

"Waah!"

And then I just sh*t my

pants just to make a point.

Like, you want a baby, you got one, weirdo.

Guys like girls to be babies,

and guys like girls to be bad.

Right? You guys like "bad girls."

So bizarre.

It always happens, you start dating a guy,

it's only a matter of time before

you're having sex and he's like,

"Are you a bad girl?"

I'm always like,

"No.

I pay my taxes on time."

And, also, I feel like before we

play this game of Are You a Bad Girl,

we should agree on a definition of

bad that works for both of us, okay?

I'm a comedian, my taste

is a little bit off.

If I was really gonna double down

on the bad girl game, I'd be like,

"Yeah, I'm a bad girl, I have

herpes and I didn't tell you, yeah."

- Man:
No!

- "No"?

"It's not... That's not an

aphrodisiac, okay, right.

We'll circle back, I'll work on that."

Guys like girls to be babies,

guys like girls to be bad,

and guys like girls to be exotic.

Guys are into exotic girls now.

I know this because a girlfriend of mine

set me up on a blind date with this guy,

then she called me and rescinded the date.

She was like, "Yeah,

it's not gonna work out.

I found out he's only into Cuban girls."

I was like, "All right, I

can put on some self-tanner,

and drink out of a f***ing

coconut. What do you want?"

And she was like, "No, it's

not about the skin color.

"He's not into Brazilian girls, he's

not into Spanish, it's just Cuban."

And I was trying to figure out like, what is

the fetish of the island of Cuba? Just Cuba.

The only thing I could deduce is that

Cuban girls must be super fun to date

'cause they're super easy to impress

'cause they've never had

American products before.

So, he's like, "I got you a Coca-Cola."

She's like, "Oh my God,

he's a millionaire!"

Yeah, you guys have to read

the news to get that one.

I think it's gonna be harder

and harder for you guys

to find these kind of

weak, submissive women.

'Cause women aren't like that

anymore. Women are badasses now.

All my girlfriends are strong,

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