Whitney Cummings: I'm Your Girlfriend Page #2

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self-sufficient, have awesome jobs, you know?

And I... Here's the thing.

I think feminism is working,

but I don't know if you guys like it.

I think you guys are mad at us about it,

and it's coming out in nefarious ways.

Like, the way guys talk about

women has gotten more aggressive.

The way guys talk about having sex

with women has gotten super violent.

I was talking to a guy friend

of mine a couple weeks ago,

and he goes,

"I hooked up with this

girl the other night.

Destroyed that sh*t."

It's like, "Excuse me?"

He goes, "Yeah, dude, I

murdered that sh*t, bro."

It's like, first of all,

you did not murder her.

She's fine.

She's at home. She might

be a little disappointed,

but she's gonna...

She's gonna get through it. She survived

the wrath of your murderous dick.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

You did not kill her.

You might have given her

a urinary tract infection,

but she's gonna... She's gonna bounce back.

I don't think that's a healthy

way to talk about women.

And my theory is that

women have gotten stronger,

and as they get more self-sufficient,

you guys are getting more

aggressive towards us.

'Cause 10-15 years ago, you guys

didn't talk that way about women.

You guys would say, you know,

like, "I'm gonna tap that."

Right? "I'm gonna hit that."

Now it's like, "I'm gonna murder it."

I feel like in 10 years,

it's gonna be so disgusting.

Guys, you'll be like, "Hooked up

with this girl the other night.

"Scalped the b*tch, bro.

"She's a full amputee now.

"Motherfucking no legs.

"Eats from a tube.

"My dick.

You know Helen Keller? My dick did that."

It's too much.

I don't think music is helping.

Music has gotten so rude towards women.

Have you guys heard the song "Fight Night."

No black people here? That's embarrassing.

Santa Monica. Hashtag Santa Monica.

(laughter, applause)

Are you applauding? Like,

some kind of white power rally?

Don't applaud that!

Oh, God.

The song goes, "I'm

gonna knock that p*ssy out

like it's fight night."

That's a song.

There's another song that says

"I'm gonna beat that p*ssy up."

I'm like, I'm sorry, what did

our vaginas ever do to you?

Besides give you life

and make you feel amazing all the time?

How 'bout instead of beating

it up and knocking it out,

how 'bout maybe, I don't

know, giving it an orgasm?

I don't know.

(cheering, applause)

I would like to hear that song.

"I'm gonna make you climax, girl.

I'm gonna make you trust me."

I...

(laughter)

I would like to hear that song.

I blame rappers.

It's not just male rappers,

female rappers are just as bad.

You guys know Nicki Minaj?

Yeah, big Nicki Minaj fans?

I used to love Nicki Minaj.

But then I heard her talk,

and it wasn't good.

So, she sounded like such a hypocrite,

and I think she's a bad role model

'cause she was up there, and she was like,

"You know, men don't respect me in

the rap game because I'm a woman,

and people don't respect

me 'cause I'm a woman."

I was like, no, no, no. Uh, not at all.

We don't respect you 'cause

we can see your a**hole.

Has nothing to do with the

fact that you're a woman, okay?

We respected Mary J. Blige just fine.

Here's my point.

I think that women should be

able to be sexy and glamorous,

and feminine and professional.

You could be a myriad of things.

But as you're getting

dressed for your album cover,

you also have to acknowledge basic

human nature and neurology, okay?

You have to acknowledge the fact that

men's brains are basically only designed

to look for holes.

It's pretty much all they're

doing at any given moment,

just scanning for crevices.

They're like gophers, just

looking for holes to get into.

Counting, like, two, four...

eight, that's a golf course.

Constantly adding them up.

So, sometimes we have to help you guys out.

You get very distracted by that, right?

When I look at Nicki Minaj's ass,

I think awful, terrible, shameful things.

I'll be like, "Yeah, I bet if I hit

that from behind that sh*t would pop."

I'm like, "Oh, my God!"

So, I can't even imagine what

you guys are thinking, you know?

And here's the thing, I'm a comedian.

I want you guys to

listen to what I'm saying,

I want you to think I'm

funny, I want you to focus.

So, I'm not gonna do stand-up like this...

(laughter)

(cheering)

This is not the most effective

way to do stand-up, right?

I'm not gonna be like, "Hey, guys, did

you see that election coverage last night?

"Yeah!" No.

You can't focus because

if I'm standing like this,

you're either looking at my ass,

which you're not,

which is very insulting.

Is that your girlfriend?

Right there?

Yes?

She... He goes,

"Clearly."

Why, because you're not

allowed to look at an ass

that's two feet in front of your face?

I like her. She runs a

tight ship. I respect that.

He did not even look.

So regardless, you're

either looking at my ass,

or worrying about my knees, one of the two.

So, that's not the best position,

and I think that that's just

a hypocritical way to operate

because guys can't have

their d*cks out, you know?

Like, male rappers can't

rap with their d*cks out.

If I saw a male rapper with his dick

out, I wouldn't be respecting him either,

or listening to what he was saying.

If I saw a male rapper with his dick

out, I would be calling the police,

which is such a testament

to the nature of man.

That when a woman is naked, you're

like, "Look at that beautiful woman,"

and when a man is naked,

you're like, "There was a crime.

Something horrible

happened over there, guys."

It's an interesting time. We're

living in a fascinating time.

We're living in a time

where women have money, okay?

Which is... Do you realize

how new that is, right?

That's like 30 years old, or something,

and there's no blueprint

for how to operate,

and I think it's really

messing up the power dynamic.

Like, the fact that I can pay my own

bills, that's such a big deal for me.

I thought that making money

was gonna solve all my problems,

especially my relationship problems.

'Cause when I was in my 20s, I

had to date guys that had money

'cause I didn't have any.

But now that I make my own money,

I felt like it opened up this

whole new pool of broke guys

that I couldn't date before,

so I've been doing that.

They're much nicer.

And the last guy I dated,

I paid for everything.

I paid for trips, I paid for dinners,

and now that I've sort of been

the man in the relationship,

now that I've been in your shoes,

I now understand why you guys hate us.

It's 'cause we owe you

so much f***ing money.

And something happens psychologically

when you start to pay for someone

where you start to hate them.

Start to hate everything

about them. You resent them.

You start keeping score

of everything they do.

One day he came home. He

was drinking a coconut water.

It's like, "Coconut water? What are

you, the queen of f***ing England?

"How 'bout you drink out of the tap

like a goddamn man, how 'bout that?"

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