Whitney Cummings: I'm Your Girlfriend Page #3

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And then they nag you. They always

need something from you, you know?

He'd be like, "Do you wanna go to

dinner?" I'm like, "You just ate yesterday.

Do you have a tapeworm?

What's the problem?"

I feel like I now understand why you guys

are always so disappointed in us, too.

'Cause something happens when

you start paying for someone

where you start to get these high

expectations for their behavior.

Like, as soon as I started paying for him,

I started expecting him to

like, do chores out of nowhere.

Like, one night we went to

dinner, I spent $200 on dinner,

the next morning I woke up,

I was like, "This is weird,

it's 8:
00 a.m., and I don't smell eggs.

Yeah, chop-chop, b*tch. Mommy's hungry."

It's tricky.

I also started noticing all these,

like, unspoken rules that happen

with the expectations based on who pays.

Like, the expectation if

the man pays for the woman

is that she's gonna

have sex with you, right?

But when I was paying for the man,

the expectation was I am

not gonna have sex with you,

and we're gonna stay up all

night talking about my dreams.

We're gonna read some

horoscopes tonight, b*tch.

And then I saw, like, all the

insidious institutionalized sexism.

Like, every time we would go to dinner,

the waiter would automatically

give him the check.

And then he would f***ing take it,

and then when the waiter would

leave, he would slide it over to me.

I was like, "Oh, hell no!"

If you take the check, you're paying.

You better find yourself

a Groupon real fast.

I also get now why people

stay in relationships too long.

Because money makes things stickier.

Like, I feel like I stayed in that

relationship three months too long

just 'cause I didn't want to

get a bad return on my money.

Because dating is such

a terrible investment.

Which made me think, like, I can't

believe we just run around spending money

on relationships that we

don't know is gonna work out.

It's a terrible investment.

I feel like there should be some kind

of insurance in place to protect us.

Like, I feel like dating should

be like checking into a hotel.

Okay, you and I are gonna start dating.

As soon as we start dating, you

have to put your credit card down.

Three months later, if

you want to break up,

I'll be like, "All right,

well, let's look at your bill.

Yeah, you owe me $3,200 or

you can't f***ing leave."

And now that I've spent my hard-earned

money on someone that I never see,

I can't stand that it's just assumed

that you guys pay for everything.

I think that is so messed up.

I'm on your guys' side about this.

I think it's insane that it's just socially

constructed that you pay for everything.

I think that's nuts.

I actually think if you guys

take a girl to dinner three times

and you pay, and then you

never hear from her again,

I think you should be

able to call the police.

That's some bullshit.

I am very ashamed of how the

relationship ended, though.

I'm embarrassed about it, but I

think it's important to talk about.

I think I just lost respect for him

because he wasn't contributing

in any way financially.

Which is messed up because I feel like

women don't contribute to relationships

all the time, and that's okay.

But I think the problem is human nature.

I think for evolutionary

purposes, we are hardwired

to stop being sexually attracted to

men when they show any kind of weakness.

And I know this is true 'cause

one time I was dating this guy,

I was madly in love with him. Like, I

thought that we were gonna get married.

We're walking down the street,

and he tripped and fell.

And I instantly fell out of love with him.

I just... Like, I couldn't... Like,

I was embarrassed to even be near him.

Like, I was disgusted by him.

I think my primal brain was like,

"No, he is not a provider.

"He cannot protect you.

"He's a danger to you and the whole tribe.

The whole species is in trouble."

It's cold-blooded, man.

Cold-blooded.

I love that women have

money now. It's so cool.

But I feel like there's still

this residual stereotype.

Even though women have money, there's this

stereotype that all women are gold-diggers.

You know, like all my

guy friends truly believe

that women want to have sex with

them, get pregnant with their baby,

and just take everything

for all they're worth.

Take them for all their... shorts.

I don't want your shorts.

Okay? I'm not interested.

I know that this is true,

'cause last year I dated a guy

who treated me like I was a gold-digger.

Backstory:
First of all,

he did not have a job.

That's important.

The second is kind of graphic,

which is that something

happened to me when I turned 30

where I just could not use condoms anymore.

- I'd...

- (cheering)

Oh, okay. Well, that's really aggressive.

Just... troubling.

No, I think it's actually

because I got health insurance.

Something happens when you get health

insurance. It's very liberating.

I was like, "This is

Obamacare's problem now.

It's not my problem."

So, I said to him, I was like,

"Hey, I don't have anything,

so if you don't have anything,

let's just not use condoms."

And he's like, "Yeah, but I feel like

we should still use condoms, you know,

like, so you don't get pregnant."

I was like, "Oh, no. We're

good. I'm on the pill."

He was like, "Yeah, but the pill,

it's only 98% effective."

I was like, "I'm sorry.

"Do you think that I want

your broke-ass f***ing baby?

"You think I'm scamming

to get your shitty kid?

"So I can take you for all you're worth?

"What am I gonna take,

your f***ing roommates?

"The five grown-ass men you

live with in a studio apartment?

"I'm not a gold-digger. I'm

the one with the gold, dummy.

"Okay, trust me, if I got

pregnant with your child,

"my lawyer would come over, and they

would... terminate that sh*t himself, okay?

We're good. We're fine."

Ridiculous.

I don't want a white baby. What

am I gonna do with a white baby?

That's embarrassing.

I'd like to think I'm a little

more successful than that.

Brings me to a topic I'm

very passionate about,

which is birth control options

that are available to women.

I can't believe that we don't have

better options for birth control.

They all drive me crazy. What are you on?

- What are you taking?

- It's an IUD.

You have an IUD. Come up

here, we're gonna take it out.

I hate this product.

Is yours plastic or metal?

- Plastic.

- Yours is plastic.

Okay, well, she's got a McDonalds

toy in her body right now.

Most of them are metal, some are plastic.

Most of them are a little piece of

metal they put inside your uterus.

I'm like, I don't want

metal inside my body.

I don't wanna be going

through airport security

and having the guys behind

the x-ray machine like,

"Oh, look at this slut coming through.

"This b*tch had to put

a tin can up in there

to stop all that sperm."

No, I don't want metal in my body.

What if there's a storm?

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