Whitney Cummings: I'm Your Girlfriend Page #4

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"Guys, I can't make it

tonight, it's raining."

I hate this product.

Mostly because, like, they would

never develop that product for men.

That would never be a

product on the market for men.

Right? You and I would never be dating,

and you'd be like, "Babe, what

should we do for birth control?"

I'd be like, "I have an idea.

"How about we take a metal rod

and put it up your dick hole,

"and leave it there for about five years,

or until it gets infected.

Is that a good idea?"

I hate this product.

And it has like, three

pages of side effects.

I can't believe that they release a

product with three pages of side effects.

I'm like, "Go back, it's not ready."

I looked at the side effects for the IUD.

It was like migraines,

abdominal pain, and depression.

I was like, "I might as

well have a f***ing kid."

What about you? What are you up to?

Pill.

The pill. Do you know which one?

No?

This f***ing generation, man.

They don't even... They'll just

put anything in their mouths.

They don't even care.

Like, "Oh, poison? Fine."

You don't even... Do you know

what color the box is, at least?

- It's pink.

- It's pink.

Motherfuckers.

I hate that. That drives me nuts.

Like, that is so... Everything

about the pill is insulting to me.

The fact they make the

box pink. The pill is pink,

as if all women just like, love pink.

And if the pill being pink

affects your decision of whether

you're gonna take it or not,

that means you're 10 years old and you're

too young to be on birth control anyway, okay?

Second of all, if you want me to remember to

take my pill every day, don't make it pink.

Make it in the shape of tiny crying babies.

I can't stand the pill.

I actually just read this

article about how the pill works.

Basically, the way the pill works is it

tricks your body into thinking you're pregnant.

Your brain starts producing the

same neurochemicals and hormones

as if your body is pregnant, you know this.

You watch Oprah. Good girl.

And then you start being

attracted to more alpha males.

Their pheromones start smelling stronger,

and you're attracted to alpha males,

the kind of man that could

protect your future offspring.

The problem is that in modern times

alpha males are signified

by tattoos and motorcycles,

which explains why I've been dating

such a**holes since I'm 15 years old.

The way that it works is that

I meet a nice, sensitive guy

I want to share my future with.

I start taking birth control to plan it,

and then all of a sudden, I only can

have an orgasm if I smell Axe body spray.

That's not fair.

And it's an example of how biology has

not yet caught up with modern technology.

It's the 21st century, I don't

need an alpha male to protect me.

We have street lights, okay?

We have alarm systems. I

don't need an alpha male.

I need a guy with fast Wi-Fi, so I can

google "Can I take Xanax while pregnant?"

That's my baby's father.

Okay? I don't need a big,

strong man to fight off a tiger.

I need a geek who can get my

naked photos off the cloud.

I hate the pill.

Everything about the packaging

of the pill is so insulting.

Like, even the fact that it's the only

medication that comes with a calendar.

Like we're too stupid to remember

to take our pill every day.

The guys that developed it are like, "They

can't handle taking their pill every day,

"so let's make it look

like a tiny advent calendar,

"and we'll trick them into

taking it. They'll be like,

"'Ooh, chocolate? Gobble, gobble, gobble.'"

I feel like the calendar's

actually for you guys.

'Cause I know you guys like, go and

look at our pill at 2:00 in the morning,

and you're like, "Oh,

Wednesday's empty, thank God."

They put so much effort into trying to

make sure we don't forget to take our pill.

Like, they make a patch.

Have you heard of the birth control patch?

It's like a sticker

you put on your shoulder

that administers the medication for you.

It's like, can you imagine

getting a girl naked

and seeing a giant patch?

Like, "Ooh, she's slutty

and she has a bad memory.

That's wifey material.

Put a ring on that sh*t."

So, I told my doctor I didn't want

to use birth control pills anymore,

and she was like, "Oh, well, you

should use the morning after pill.

You know, the plan B pill is

now available over-the-counter."

I'm just like, "How lazy can you be?"

The guy's like, "Do you have

a condom?" I'm like, "Ugh.

Let's just deal with it in the morning."

Which, by the way, we're not

gonna deal with it in the morning.

I'm the one that has to deal with it.

I'm the one who has to wake up

at 6:
00 a.m. and go stand in line.

And you realize the

morning after pill is $49?

I have never had sex with a guy

and the next morning been like,

"Yeah, that was worth 50 bucks."

And it's not just 50 bucks 'cause you

can't just buy a morning after pill alone

or the cashier's gonna think you're a slut.

So, you gotta buy a bunch of other

products to put on top of it to hide it.

You know? You gotta crowd it

with like, Q-tips and floss,

and a bunch of other sh*t

you're never gonna use.

What else is there? Am I missing anything?

NuvaRing? That's not

still happening, is it?

NuvaRing? What are you doing?

The pill. What kind? Do you know?

You're on Ortho Tri-Cyclen?

That's some '90s sh*t. I

was taking that in the '90s!

B*tch, you are loyal. I like that.

Are you still on AOL?

Jamming out with a Walkman, she's

like, "Unh!" with her CD, "Mmm."

- NuvaRing. No NuvaRing?

- Woman:
Yes!

Yes, okay. Let's... Do

you have it in right now?

- Yes?

- Yes!

Yeah, okay. Good to know. I just

wanted to get a visual, thank you.

I gotta have some fun up here, too, guys.

I just... To me, the

NuvaRing, that is just proof

that doctors get stoned out of their minds

and just start brainstorming

ideas for women's birth control.

They're like, "Oh my God,

oh my God, I have an idea.

"What if we took a piece of tupperware

"and made it in the shape of our d*cks

"so when we're having sex we can,

like, play basketball with our d*cks?"

They'll be like, "Yeah, two

points! Two points! Two points!"

The only logical explanation for that.

I know a lot about birth control right now

because I recently had to

do something kind of cool.

I have an announcement to make.

Do you guys want to hear it?

Audience:
Yeah!

Last month I froze my eggs.

(cheers)

I always love this reaction from people.

'Cause the women always

clap and the guys just panic.

Like, they just... They think

they're in trouble or something.

Which is so weird to me because I thought

guys would love that I froze my eggs.

I thought I would be,

like, the sexy, awesome girl

who doesn't want to get pregnant right now.

But no, it's not hot.

It's not an aphrodisiac.

Guys aren't into it.

You can't be hooking up with a guy and

he's like, "Hey, do you have a condom?"

I'm like, "Don't worry, boo, my

sh*t's on ice down by the airport."

Guy's aren't into it.

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