Whitney Cummings: I'm Your Girlfriend Page #5

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Maybe it's 'cause you guys don't

know what it is? That's what I think.

Do you know what it is?

No idea.

Just based on the words egg freezing?

Just freeze 'em? Just freeze 'em?

Just... That's... What's that move?

Just freeze 'em.

You mean, like...

They're not in my freezer.

It's not like a freezer drawer.

Just put 'em in the fridge.

Just... You know what this guy is?

Just based on your response to that,

you seem like you're, like,

"literal guy," you know?

Like, everyone's dated literal guy.

The guy who in an argument

just sticks to the facts.

You're the guy who's like, "No,

I didn't say you were a b*tch,

I said you were being a b*tch."

And then you're like, "Sh*t,

I gotta regroup. Hold on."

What about you? Do you know

what it is, egg freezing?

Yes, you do? What?

Cryopreserve your eggs.

Whoa, good! You cryopreserve your eggs.

That was good. You've been

watching some weird porn, obviously.

Yeah, so basically, I just realized

that most guys don't know what it is.

I found this out because

the week that I froze them,

I had to be on bed rest for a couple days,

and I had to cancel a gig.

So, I told my agent can you tell

the manager I need to reschedule it.

I go to the reschedule date,

the manager runs up to me,

he's like, "Are you okay? I

heard your ovaries were removed!"

I was like, "Okay, let's

just talk about this."

So, essentially, you freeze your eggs

if you want to get pregnant at

some point, but just not right now.

Like, I'm not ready. I would

like to have a kid at some point,

but I'm not responsible enough yet.

I still leave coffee on the

top of my car like twice a day.

I should not be a mother right now.

And biology is again completely backwards.

Like, it's ridiculous to me that a

15-year-old girl can get pregnant easily,

but a 45-year-old

woman can't.

Like, I have never met a

15-year-old girl and been like,

"You would make a great mom.

"Love your Instagram selfies.

I think you're ready to be

responsible for a human life."

No. And all my girlfriends in

their 40s are f***ing awesome.

They're all like superheroes,

they can do anything.

I have a girlfriend the

other day had a splinter,

she ripped it out with her teeth...

like it was nothing.

I have a girlfriend, she's 45,

she can return things at a store

without a receipt.

That's like some Jason

Bourne sh*t right there.

I'm really glad that I did it.

I feel like it took off all this

pressure that I had on me, you know?

Like, I realized before I froze my eggs,

there was just this

constant inner monologue

that was like, "Is this the

guy you're gonna be with?

If not, you have to

move on to someone else."

And I felt like I had to

accomplish all my professional goals

by the time I was, like, 35.

And it was just in the back

of my mind all the time.

Like, I'd be in traffic, and

I'd be like, "You guys, let's go!

"I'm rotting from the inside!

"We gotta move, okay?

Uterus is molding, let's move!"

I feel like you guys will

never understand that pressure

because you guys don't have that clock.

Guys can have kids as late as they want.

Clint Eastwood had a kid

at like, 70 years old.

Robert De Niro had one at like, 68,

which is so weird to me.

The idea of having a kid at 68 years old.

That's like being like, "I really want

a kid, but only for, like, 10 years.

"And I want to be deaf

for most of it. That's..."

I'm so glad I did it. It

took all this pressure off.

Like, I used to be this stress

case, now I'm just chilling, man.

So easy.

Like, my agent calls me up,

he's like, "Where's that script?"

I'm like, "I don't know, I'm high as f***.

"Call Sarah Silverman or some sh*t, man.

'Cause I'm watching 'Game

of Thrones' again today."

Hey, camera.

I... Thank you.

You freeze your eggs

for a couple of reasons.

If you want to postpone having kids,

also if you want to get

a surrogate at some point,

which I'm kind of obsessed with

the idea of getting a surrogate.

It's like you hire a woman

to carry your kid for you,

which I really want to do at some point.

But I feel kind of guilty about that idea

because when you get a surrogate,

you're essentially, like, asking another

woman to do your dirty work for you.

It's like, worse than

a guy getting a hooker.

'Cause when you get a hooker, you guys

just want to use a woman's body for an hour.

I want to use it for nine months,

and totally wreck it.

I'm literally gonna destroy that sh*t.

Not nice.

I just feel like I would like my kid

so much more if I didn't carry my kid.

Does that make sense?

Like, I totally support

those toddler and tiara moms.

I think those kids should work.

I think they should have to tap

dance to pay for all the damage

they did to those poor women.

Although I feel like if you

have a surrogate have your kid

you can't control the

kid as well. You know?

Like, the way my mom used

to guilt me into doing things

was she'd be like, "I

carried you for nine months."

I'd be like, "Oh...

That's a good point."

But if, like, I had a

surrogate, what am I gonna say?

I'm gonna be like, "I had to

drive 10 minutes to pick you up.

Traffic was a nightmare."

Yeah, it's not as good.

When you freeze your eggs, the doctor

asks you if you want to get a donor,

like a sperm donor.

Because if you want to

freeze embryos, you know?

Like, basically it's if you freeze an

embryo, that means a sperm fertilizes the egg,

and I was like, "I don't have any sperm

available in my house at the moment."

So, he's like, "Maybe you should get a

donor." And I wasn't really ready for that,

but I got super obsessed with the kind

of person who would become a sperm donor.

So, I went online and I

was, like, on the donor site.

You'd think that sperm donors

were complete losers. Not true.

In order to be a sperm donor,

you have to be at least 5'8."

I was like, I'm sorry, what

shallow b*tch was 45 years old,

not married, no options,

goes into the sperm bank, is like,

"Oh, 5'7"? Never mind.

"I'm gonna get on Farmers

Only and take my chances.

F*** that weirdo midget."

And in order to be a sperm donor,

you have to have at least

four years of college.

I was like, I don't want my sperm

donor to have four years of college.

'Cause if you have four years of college

and you're jerking off into a cup for $100,

you're a drug addict.

And if you don't have four years of college

and you're jerking off into a cup for $100,

you're an entrepreneur

and I like your hustle.

You can be my baby daddy any day.

- Man:
I will!

- You will?

I'm good.

Pass.

Got me into some trouble.

I got cheated on.

Has anyone been cheated on?

Okay, well, you've all been cheated on,

just so you know.

Sorry you have to find out like this.

I fond out in the stupidest way.

We were at a movie theater and I

dropped my phone in between the seats.

So, I asked him if I could

use his phone to call my phone.

I'm holding his phone

for maybe eight minutes.

He gets three different text messages

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