Whitney Cummings: I'm Your Girlfriend Page #6

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from a girl he had programmed in his phone

as "Sandylicious."

Think about this. Really think

about how hot a girl has to be

for a guy to take the time to program

in that long of a f***ing name.

He was like,

"S-A-N-D- Y-L-I-C-I..."

And you know that sh*t

autocorrected like six times,

so he had to go back to the beginning.

"S-A-N-D,

sh*t.

"S-A... Still worth it...

D-I-L-I..."

So, I had to confront

him about it. I was like,

"Hey, why is some girl named Sandylicious

texting you at midnight on a Friday?"

And he goes, "Oh, she's my friend."

Why don't you just punch me in the tit?

It would be less insulting

to my intelligence.

Like, I'm just curious, has that

ever worked in the history of time?

Has any girl ever been

jealously freaking out

and the guy was like, "Oh, she's

my friend," and the girl was like,

"Oh my God, I am so sorry!

"I was totally overreacting.

"Go back to texting

your bro, Sandylicious."

No! I have a lot of

guy friends in my phone,

none of them are programmed

in under "Joey smooth dick."

That's not my friend.

We're not friends.

I feel like you guys don't know this.

It's also so obvious when

you're getting lied to by a guy

'cause you guys all lie the same exact way.

You guys need to have a meeting,

or start a chatroom or something.

Because you know you're

getting lied to by a guy

because he will repeat the

question you ask him in the answer

to buy time to make up the lie.

So, I'll be like, "Hey, where

were you till 3:
00 in the morning?"

"Where was I? Until 3:00?

"In the morning?"

It's like, can you just make up your

lie in the car like an adult, please?

Can I at least get that respect?

And you know you're getting

lied to when a guy goes,

"Ugh, well... Well, what do

you want me to say right now?"

You want me to make up your lie?

How lazy can you be?

And then you know you're getting

cheated on when a guy goes,

"Well, what's your definition of cheating?"

I'm like, "Uh, if you had

fun without me, you cheated.

It's very simple."

Another announcement to make, which is...

being cheated on now is extra hard for me

because when I was in my

20s, no one ever admits this,

but when I was in my 20s, I cheated.

Now's your time, girl. Live it up.

I was... I cheated in my

20s because I was an idiot.

I was insecure and I was worried

the guy I was with was gonna

leave me for someone else.

Who cares the reason. The point is

getting cheated on now is even worse

because I know what you're

doing because I've done it,

and you're gross.

I used to do the shadiest

things when I used to cheat.

I used to program guys' names

in my phone as other things

so the guy I was dating didn't

know what was going on, you know?

And then he's be like, "Hey, why is Bank of

America calling you at 2:00 in the morning?"

"That is weird.

"You know, they've really

stepped up their customer service.

"They really wanna make

sure my check clears.

I am gonna thank them in the morning."

He's like, "All right, well, why did

Rite Aid just text you a photo of a dick?"

"Bizarre!

"That's disgusting.

We are switching to Walgreens tomorrow!"

I don't know if, in general, as

a society we're getting grosser,

or if the Internet's just

bringing it to the surface,

but I just think, in general,

there's a movement towards perversion

that feels new to me.

The first thing that made me

think this was a couple months ago,

I went on a date with a guy,

then we went on a second date.

On the second date, he

asked me if I could squirt.

Let's talk about it.

Look, first of all, I do not squirt.

Just so you know, I am not a

squirter. I am not squirting.

I am not a squirting lady.

I don't know if I'm just dehydrated?

If I need more Gatorade in my life?

I'm not squirting, okay?

I mean, if you want, I will compromise,

and I will pee on you.

I'd rather not, but if that's your thing,

I'm sure I could fashion some pee.

I'm gonna have to turn on

the faucet. I'm not into it.

Here's the... This is new.

This is a new thing. Five years

ago, I never heard about squirting.

Okay? Five years ago, I feel like

Ithe gross, taboo thing everyone

wanted their girl to do was anal.

It was all about anal, right?

Now anal's just like... You

just have to do that now.

It's not even weird anymore.

It's just, like, on the menu.

It's not just for birthdays

anymore. It's happening.

Which, I do not think that's okay. I

think we need to make it weird again.

I think we need to make it taboo again.

This is how I know anal

sex has gone mainstream.

I have a girlfriend, she has

a daughter who is 16 years old.

She goes to a Catholic school,

and she said her girlfriends in

the Catholic school at 16 years old

are now having anal sex

instead of regular sex

so that they don't technically

lose their virginity.

Right? Have you heard of that?

My thing is if you're having

anal sex at 16 years old

to stay right with God,

I have news for you.

There is no God.

Get a new religion, 'cause

your God f***ing hates you.

No. No. Stay away from

my butt. I have a house.

No.

I have worked too hard.

That's my point. You guys

are getting ungrateful.

You guys have lost sight of the fact

that our bodies were perfectly designed

to have sex with you, anatomically.

Whatever you believe in. Say, it's

evolution or God. Say you believe in God.

God perfectly designed the

female body to have sex with you.

Right? Vagina here. Perfect placement.

B*obs here if you want a little...

Perfect.

The head moves back and forth in case

you don't want to look at her face.

God thought of everything.

And then God was putting the

female body together and was like,

"Ugh, there's this other hole.

"It's a terrible hole.

"Horrible things come out of it.

"It's awful.

We can't put it in the front or else

men would never have sex with women."

God's like, "You know what I'm gonna do?

"I'm gonna hide it.

"I'm gonna put it in the back

"in, like, a ravine.

"I'm gonna put big pieces

of fat on either side of it.

"He'll never even know it's there. She

can walk away naked, he'll never see it.

"It's genius. Genius!

"The female body is complete."

Cut to God looking down now.

A guy's like, "Eh, eh, ehh..."

God's like, "Oh, my God!

"How did they even find it?

"I hid that thing pretty well.

They're animals!"

No. Uh-uh. Nope.

Nope. Nuh-uh.

No. Not squirting. Nope.

We're starting a movement here

tonight. Hashtag no squirting.

Get it going.

No. You know why? It's...

You guys are pushing it now.

You're ungrateful, you're

spoiled, and you're pushing it.

Like, do our bodies not

do enough amazing things?

Enough miraculous things?

We can make a life. We can get

pregnant. We can breastfeed our babies.

We can give you orgasms. Now

you want us to put out fires?

It's too much.

That's too much.

And I'm a pretty slutty person.

The fact that there's something

I won't do, that's bad.

That is off the grid, okay?

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