Whitney Cummings: I'm Your Girlfriend Page #7

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I'll do anything. I will literally

do anything 'cause I'm fun.

I am fun.

I'll do anything. What do

you want? Spank me? Great.

Go for it. I will try not to laugh,

but go for it.

Choking, that's the new thing.

Everyone's gotta get choked now?

Choke me. Great. Choke me.

I'll even throw in a little "Ehh..."

I'm fun! I'm fun.

But you're pushing it now, okay?

I'm not squirting. Who has time for that?

Okay? I'm not gonna clean up squirt. No.

I have a job. I don't have time for that.

You gotta go to Home

Depot, you gotta get a tarp,

you gotta put the tarp down. My

bedroom looks like Dexter's garage.

I'm not living that way.

Was sex not awkward

enough before squirting?

Do you remember the

awkward talk before sex?

Used to be like "Hey,

do you have a condom?"

Now it's like, "Hey, do you have a ShamWow?

Sh*t's about to get crazy."

You don't want me to squirt.

You do not want me to squirt

because if I could squirt,

I would use it for evil all the time.

Any time I was in my boyfriend's car,

I'd be like, "You sure you

want to text that girl back?

I didn't think so."

I'm worried. I'm worried for

the next generation of boys.

'Cause now guys in their...

Teenage kids, they watch porn now before

they ever actually see a naked woman.

Before they ever actually have

sex, they're watching porn.

And they think that's gonna happen.

They think that women are just

these human Bellagio fountains,

just squirting constantly.

They think they're gonna walk into that.

Remember our generation of boys,

they would show up to lose their

virginity with like, a rose.

Now kids show up to lose their virginity

with just a snorkel, an umbrella,

just flippers.

It's not healthy.

It's all just escalated

way too far, way too fast.

Do you remember, like, the good

old days, like our generation,

we used to have, like, first

base and second base, remember?

It used to be like first

base was, like, kissing.

Remember? Second base was,

you know, hand up the shirt.

Now it is so escalated. It is so extreme.

Now, like, first base is just sex.

Second base, squirting.

Third base, gangbang.

A home run, he just takes you out in the

alley, murders you, jerks off on your dead body.

It's a war zone out there, man.

'Cause one day, you guys will

become desensitized to squirting.

One day, that will be boring to

you, and then what are we gonna do?

We just gonna have to pull out our

intestines and throw 'em in your face?

It's not good.

I think we ought to draw a line.

We gotta just take it down.

It's getting too intense.

It's like every week you guys come

out with a new way to humiliate us.

You guys wanna have sex with our b*obs now.

You guys wanna squeeze

our b*obs and f*** 'em?

What are you doing?

What guy was ever having sex

with a woman and was like,

"Ugh, this vagina feels terrible, ugh.

"I wish I had another one

that was completely dry.

I know what to do."

No, that's my heart, you idiot!

Get your dick off my heart.

You guys have gotten spoiled.

You have too many options.

That's the problem, you have too

many options. You guys are like...

It's not

Whac-A-Mole.

I'm a human being.

I have feelings and dreams.

And parents.

You guys are pushing it.

It's getting more... Like, I just feel

like you never come back from that,

having a man's...

torso in your...

face.

I feel like one day, one day

I will be a mother, right?

Thanks to the miracles of egg freezing.

One day I will be a mother. I

will be holding my beautiful baby,

I'll be looking down at

my beautiful baby's eyes,

we'll be having this

beautiful mother-daughter bond,

and then I'm just gonna have a flashback

to just a dick just a dick, just a dick...

It's not how I wanted

motherhood to go down.

Excuse me, I have to fix my

hair after my dick hit it.

You guys are getting desensitized,

and it's like, I feel like you guys

are getting more violent towards us, also.

It's like, the new thing you guys

want to do is the gagging thing?

(gagging)

Is that sexy to you?

(resumes gagging)

You into that, sir?

You into that? Is that your thing?

You like that, Internet?

If you're into that, just go to jail now.

You're gonna end up there eventually.

What, you want to put your

d*cks in our throats until we...

That's where I breathe out of. You

wanna f*** my oxygen supply now?

Is that what it's come to?

Do you even like me? Should I leave?

Like, what is the psychology?

The psychology of it is like, "Yeah,

my big dick's gonna make her gag."

You know what else makes

me gag? A NyQuil gelcap.

It's not that big of a deal.

I asked a guy friend of mine about this.

I was like, "What's up

with the gagging thing?

What's happening with the gagging thing?"

He goes, "Oh, gagging's awesome

'cause it makes the girl cry."

What?!

I thought guys hated it when we cried?

Now I know when guys leave

the room when I'm crying.

They're going to the bathroom to jerk off.

Weirdos.

I don't like it.

I just think about all this

and I'm like, you know what?

I just feel like women,

we're always the ones

having to do the gross, kinky,

nasty, tricks in the bedroom.

I feel like you guys need to come

up with a couple f***ing tricks.

(cheering)

Thank you.

I will strike a deal with you, okay?

I will learn to squirt

if you teach your d*cks

how to blow bubbles.

Thank you guys so much for

coming out to the show, everybody!

Thank you!

(cheering)

Thank you!

Hi, cuties!

Thank you!

First and foremost...

I just want to say thank

you so much for coming out.

It's always been such a big dream

of mine to have an HBO special,

so this is a very big deal for me.

Thank you. Thank you.

Um, and I would like to dedicate

this special to my father

who is right now going through something.

Keep fighting, Dad, I love you very much.

And, as promised,

I will now take some pictures with you guys

because I know that the only reason you

guys came here was to get a f***ing selfie,

and you haven't been

listening this entire show,

and you're just trying to figure

out how this is gonna benefit you

and your Instagram feed.

So... (laughing)

So, what we'll do is you guys

can put your phone in selfie mode.

I think you probably know how to

do that, you live in Los Angeles,

all you do is take selfies.

So, hold it up and I'll

get in the background of it.

So, uh, let's do it.

Thank you, guys. I love you.

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