Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Page #6

And we were bought champagne

by the management.

By the gangster father of one of us.

And, of course,

we suffered next day...

...each of us alone,

on his train away from the city...

...and each of us

with a grownup's hangover.

But it was the grandest day...

...of my...

...youth.

What...?

What happened to the boy?

The boy who had shot his mother.

I won't tell you.

All right.

The following summer on a country road,

with his learner's permit...

...and his father on the front seat to his

right, he swerved to avoid a porcupine...

...and drove straight into a large tree.

He was not killed, of course.

In the hospital, when he was

conscious and out of danger...

...and when they told him

his father was dead...

...he began to laugh, I have been told.

His laughter grew and would not stop.

And it was not until after

they jammed a needle in his arm...

...not until his consciousness

had slipped away from him...

...that his laughter subsided and stopped.

And when he was recovered

from his injuries enough...

...so he could be moved without damage

should he struggle...

...he was put in an asylum.

That was 30 years ago.

Is he still there?

Oh, yes.

I'm told that for these 30 years...

...he has not uttered...

...one sound.

Must be Martha.

She's making coffee.

For your hysterical wife,

who goes up and down.

Went up and down.

Oh, went? And no more?

No more. Nothing.

Martha doesn't have

hysterical pregnancies.

My wife had one.

Martha doesn't have pregnancies at all.

Do you have any other kids?

Do you have any daughters or anything?

Do we have any what?

Do you have any...?

I mean, do you only have the one...

...kid, your son?

No, no, just one.

One boy.

Our son.

Well...

That's nice.

Yeah, well...

...he's a comfort.

He's a beanbag.

- A what?

- Beanbag. You wouldn't understand.

A beanbag!

I heard you. I didn't say I was deaf,

I said I didn't understand.

You didn't say that at all.

I meant I was implying

I didn't understand.

- Chrissake.

- You're getting testy.

- I'm sorry.

- All I said was our son...

...the apple of our three eyes,

Martha being a Cyclops...

Our son is a beanbag,

and you get testy.

I'm sorry, it's late. I'm tired.

I've been drinking since 9:00.

My wife is vomiting.

There's been a lot of screaming here.

You get testy, naturally.

Don't worry about it.

Anybody who comes here gets testy.

It's expected.

- Don't be upset.

- I'm not upset.

- You're testy.

- Yes.

I'd like to set you straight

about something while we're out here.

- About something Martha said.

- Hey!

Hark. Forest sounds.

- Animal noises.

- Hey!

Oh, well, here's nursie.

We're setting up.

We're having coffee.

Is there anything I should do?

No, you just stay there

and listen to Georgie's side of things.

Bore yourself to death.

You clean up the mess

you made in here, George?

No, Martha,

I did not clean up the mess I made.

I've been trying for years

to clean up the mess I made.

Have you been trying for years?

Accommodation, adjustment.

Those do seem to be

in the order of things.

Don't put me in the same class with you.

No? No, of course not.

I mean, things are simpler for you.

You marry a woman

because she's all blown up.

Whereas I, in my clumsy,

old-fashioned way...

- There was more to it than that.

- Sure. Sure.

I bet she has money too.

Yes.

Yes?

Yes?

- You mean I was right? I hit it?

- Well...

My God, what archery. First try too.

How about that?

- You see...

- There were other things.

- Yes.

- To compensate.

- Yes.

- There always are. There always are.

Allow me.

Tell me about your wife's money.

- No.

- Okay, don't.

My father-in-law was a man of the Lord.

And he was very rich.

- What faith?

- He...

My father-in-law...

...was called by God

when he was 6 or something.

And he started preaching, and he

baptized people, and he saved them...

...and he traveled around a lot and

he became pretty famous. Not like...

...some of them...

...but pretty famous.

And when he died,

he had a lot of money.

- God's money?

- No, his own.

- What happened to God's money?

- He spent God's money...

...and saved his own.

Well, I think that's very nice.

Martha has money because

Martha's father's second wife...

Not Martha's mother,

but after Martha's mother died.

- Was a very old lady...

...who had warts, who was very rich.

She was a witch.

She was a good witch, and she married

the white mouse with the tiny red eyes...

...and he must have nibbled her warts

or something like that...

...because she went up in a

puff of smoke almost immediately.

And all that was left,

apart from some wart medicine...

...was a big fat will.

Maybe...

Maybe my father-in-law...

...and the witch with the warts

should have gotten together.

Because he was a mouse too.

- He was?

- Sure. Sure.

He was a church mouse.

Your wife never mentioned a stepmother.

Well, maybe it isn't true.

You realize that I've been

drawing you out on this stuff...

...because you're a direct threat to me

and I want to get the goods on you.

- Sure, sure.

- I've warned you. You stand warned.

I stand warned.

You sneaky types worry me the most,

you know.

You ineffectual sons of b*tches,

you're the worst.

I'm glad you don't believe me.

After all, you got history on your side.

You got history on your side.

I got biology on mine.

History. Biology.

- I know the difference.

- You don't act it.

We decided you'd take over the History

Department first, then the whole works.

You know, one step at a time.

No. What I thought I'd do is sort of

insinuate myself generally, you know.

Find all the weak spots.

Like me.

Become sort of a fact

and then turn into a...

- A what?

- An inevitability?

Exactly. An inevitability.

Take over a few courses

from the older men.

Plow a few pertinent wives.

Now that's it.

You can shove aside

all the older men...

...but until you're plowing pertinent

wives you're not working.

That's the way to power. Plow them all.

Yeah.

The way to a man's heart...

...the wide, inviting avenue to his job

is through his wife...

...and don't you forget it.

And I'll bet your wife's

got the widest...

...most inviting avenue

on the whole campus.

No, I mean,

her father being president and all.

You bet your historical inevitability.

Yessiree, I just better get her off

into the bushes right away.

Why, you'd certainly better.

I almost think you're serious.

No, baby, you almost think you're serious

and it scares you.

Me?

- Yes, you.

- You're kidding.

I wish I were. I'll give you some

good advice if you want me to.

Good advice? From you? Oh, boy.

You haven't learned yet.

Take it wherever you can get it.

- Listen to me now.

- Come off it.

- I'm giving you good advice now.

- Good God.

There's quicksand here and you'll be

dragged down before you know it.

Sucked down.

You disgust me on principle,

and you're a smug son of a b*tch...

...but I'm trying to give you

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