Who's Your Daddy? Page #3

Chris, loss is never easy.

I'm reminded when the super group Lamb broke

up, I was devastated.

Sweetie, we love you very much.

We tried to give you a better life.

You did. You have. I guess I never really

thought about them or who they were.

They weren't church-going folk.

- What does that mean?

Son, your parents were..

Tell him Carl! - Tell me Carl!

- Your mother was a stripper,

and your father was a bouncer in a club, where

she shook her moneytree.

Club Pussay Whipped, I think that's what it was

called. Isn't that right, Carl?

My parents worked in a club called P*ssy Whipped?

- Puss-ay Whipped, dear. It's french.

Your mother's right. Puss-ay is the correct pronounciation. -We

didn't wanna tell you for until you had low self of steam issues.

I mean afterall, your biological mother beeing a

stripper and practically a prostitute,

and your biological father having no more ambition

than to be a bouncer.

It's Spring break, you wouldn't miss school.

We want you to be there for the reading of the will.

Your father has agreed to postpone you beeing

grounded.

It's the christian thing to do.

But I didn't know them, I mean, you're my parents.

- Yes dear, but we're not dead. They are.

You disgust me!

- Can you hear me now?

Ok, we're lost.

- Move it!

Chris Hughes?

- Present.

I'm Brookes.

Mr. Hunt sent me to retrieve you and your..

..travel companion. Got any other baggage?

My dad's a gay alcoholic porn freak.

Sweet ride!

Yo Brookes, do you know Ice Cube?

How about Destiny's Children?

- Get in!

Let's get down to business.

Chris, your biological parents had only one child.

They provided you with their future and an estate.

- Great, they left you with the string and a pole.

Are you familiar with the adult magazine Heaven?

- Your mother showed her beaver in Heaven?

I masturbated at that magazine.

- I apologize for Adam. He's the village idiot. Any village, just pick one.

Well, nevertheless, he's correct. Your mother

did indeed pose for the magazine.

Dude, you're gonna be in therapy forever. I got my

dick wet by looking at your mother. How wrong is that?

Did my old man sell my mom in the prostitution?

Pardon?

Even though I didn't know my white trash parents,

I take full responsibility for teir death.

What's the damage?

- Close to 87 million dollars.

Fair enough. I mean a paper-out, I have money

saved from working at my parents' grocery store.

I can work out some sort of payment plan..

Did you just say they left me in debt of $87mil!?

No, they left you $87mil to spend.

But that's just available cash. The real empire

is the magazine.

What magazine?

- Heaven.

Chris, your father was Peter Mack.

- The founder and publisher of the entire Heaven Empire?

Yes, that Peter Mack.

That means your mother was..

Honey Mack.

- As in the biggest breasts on the planet? Angel of the decade?

That would be Chris' mother.

What does all this mean?

- Chris, you're the owner and publisher of Heaven.

That's not possible, I'm just a kid.

- Just a kid with a rather large bank account,

which my law firma would be very happy to continue

to administer, at your father's request.

Administer away.

- Chris, I have some paperwork for you to sign.

Not so fast. We're not signing anything,

until we have a lawyer look over it.

I am a lawyer.

- Well, excellent. Chris, go and sign.

Are you ready to go home, sir?

- To Xenia?

No, better. The mansion.

- Where the naked angels are?

Wipe your mouth. Chris, prepare to

get your freecone.

Young Mr. Hughes just signed.

Who is this? Oh, sorry, wrong number.

Pull my finger.

Nice one.

- That's what a millionaire smells like.

We've died and gone to..

- ..Heaven.

Are you ready, little man?

Come.

Don't be scared.

Oh my god. Hi, my name is Adam.

I'm Chris' right hand man.

Oh my god.. Let me take a look at you.

Oh, look at you.

You're hung like your daddy, and you have

eyes like your mother. Bless their souls.

You knew my parents?

- Oh, very well.

Yes, Miss Harding was your father's personal

secretary for 15 party- filled years.

But there's no time for chit chat. I have several

items that need your immediate attention.

Sir.

After you, sir.

- No, I insist, sir.

Boys..

Hi Chris. - Hey baby!

- Well, we're most likely.. -Dead.

It's important to us that you understand that we've..

- ..always loved and adored you.

And the only reason we gave you up for adoption

is because we didn't have any money.

Your mother was a stripper..

- Exotic dancer..

I was just a bouncer, trying to scrape enough

money through life.

He always had his eyes turned up for management.

But we've found you a great home, with lovely

and caring nice people.

Your new mom won't be showing her plumbing

to the whole world.

Son, I'm a moron, and I made millions and I

turned those millions into a billion dollar empire.

You, Chris, on the other hand,

you're smart, talented,

..you're charming. You're a natural born leader.

And son, the sky is the limit in what you'll

turn this legacy into.

And remember, sweetheart: When going down on a

lady, always isolate the little man in the boat.

Kisses!

Those are my parents?

- How awesome is that!

Which one of you fine young men is Chris?

- Me.

Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

Danger! Danger!

Alert! Alert!

Let me look at you.

It's like having a mirror into the soul.

Can I help you?

- It is I, little one, that has been left alone in the cruel world, to help you.

Look upon me as your spirit guide. Call upon me

for anything, count upon me for everything.

I am Duncan Mack, your father Peter's brother.

Please, call me Duncay.

- Uncle Duncay! I have an uncle.

Adam, look, I have a new uncle.

- When do we get to see the naked girls?

We have a lot of catching up to do. But first, the press has

been beating down our doors, waiting for a statement from you.

Never abuse the press, dear boy. They get far too

much pleasure out of it. Your father taught me that.

Ladies and Gentlemen. Today marks a new birth for

Heaven,

as the Mack wings have been passed on to their

only child:

Chris Hughes Mack.

Just Chris Hughes, no Mack.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present to you

the new king of the Heaven empire,

and more importantly, my nephew,

Chris Hughes Mack.

Come on.

Hi.

Thank you all for coming out. Good night.

Hey, Chris, Patty Landry, Enertainment tomorrow.

The big question: does the newest, most elegable

billionaire bachelor have a girlfriend?

Girlfriend? Well, I..

- Brittany Van Horn.

Brittany Van Horn?

- Brittany van Horn? Well, she's one lucky girl.

Speaking of lucky girls, let me introduce to you

this month's centerfold

and Angel by any other name:

Miss Elissa Bauer!

Mr. Mack, are you still a virgin?

Hello America. As this month's Angel, I can assure

you,

that Chris will be in very capable hands.

And don't forget. This month's issue will be

out this monday. I'll see you when you see me.

Thank you! Thank you everyone, thank you

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