Wild Card

...gaming and tourism

has been cold

for the entire month

of December

while temperatures

are nearing record highs...

A diet Pepsi, please.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

The roulette pit

was a zoo tonight.

Two Haitians got drunk,

one of them

- tried to urinate on me...

- Let's get out of here.

Doris, I just arrived.

I picked this place 'cause it's

deserted, you know? We can think.

This is our future

we're talkin' about now.

Sweetheart, I don't

mean to pressure you,

but the Caesars people

have offered me

a roulette pit of my own

in Atlantic City.

That's a big break.

And tomorrow's my deadline

for telling them yes or no,

so you gotta

tell me tonight.

Will you come with me?

That's not what you mean

when you say, "come with me. "

You mean, "Come live with me,

then love me, then marry me. "

Yes, and have children.

Is that so awful?

Come on, Osgood, I've

been married three times.

I suck at it.

- You just haven't found...

- Let's dance.

You and me, just you and me. Come on.

- I don't want to dance.

- We're talking here.

All right?

- Let's go, come on.

- Hey, hey!

- Excuse me!

- Let go! Let go!

Look, buddy, I don't think

you want to make me mad.

I don't care what games

you two want to play...

That's twice now you've

touched her. Don't do it again!

I won't touch her again...

until she asks me.

I got one question.

Is it all right

if I touch you?

- Ay, Osgood!

- Oh, dear, look at...

Give me that!

- I f***in' knew it.

- Give me that!

- Hey!

- All you gotta do is come and get it.

It's mine

and I want it.

God damn it,

be careful with that!

- Come on, let's go. Take me out of here.

- That cost a lot of money,

- I had it made special.

- F*** the money, Osgood!

Osgood?

No one's got a f***in'

name like Osgood.

- Jesus.

- Son of a b*tch.

Come on. Let's go,

I'm scared.

- Who the f***'s got a name like Osgood?

- You don't have to be scared.

I can't help it.

That guy...

- I could've handled him.

- You don't want this?

I know.

- Is it house trained?

God damn it!

I try to behave

like a gentleman, Doris.

I really do, you know, but there's

an animal side to everybody.

You think less of me,

don't you? For walking out.

Please, how can you

even say that?

I was the one who dragged

you out of there.

I say that 'cause

I think it's the truth.

- Osgood.

- No, no, no! Walk me to the car, please.

- - Come back! Come over

here, mate.

I'll brought

your hamster back!

Ozzie, wozzie, wozzie.

- Osgood.

- God damn it!

That's enough!

Hey, look, I don't

want this no more.

I wouldn't know

what to feed it.

Osgood,

come back!

Osgood, please!

Oops.

- Move back.

- Move back, why?

Safety precaution,

let's say.

I don't need no tricks

to deal with a pee-wee

shrimp fag like you.

All I need is my hands.

- Osgood...

- Shut up!

- But I...

- Close your god damn mouth, Doris.

No one is leaving

till it's over,

and it isn't over

till you say it is.

It's over.

Help me up, okay?

You know what

you are, pal?

You're a coward,

and your breath stinks!

No, no, I'm a mess.

I'm a mess.

You're my own

little hero.

Coming through,

coming through!

- Drew, what happened?

- Found her in the parking lot.

She's in and out.

Stand clear.

Can you tell me your name?

Nick...

Do you have any allergies?

Tell me who did this to you.

Who did this to you?

Sweetheart, can you tell me

who did this to you?

Nick...

Nick...

Nick.

Well, I never thought

you'd make it in, huh?

Isn't this the 5,000th morning

in the Athens of America?

Five f***in'

thousandth morning.

How you survivin'?

Eh, you know.

Here.

- Nut mail?

- It looks like it.

I'm not up

to it, Pinky.

Read it to me.

All right.

Let the games begin.

How about... a-ha.

"Mr. Wild, how can I become

a mercenary like you?

If someone were

hypothetically interested

in creating

a small explosion,

how would one hypothetically

research such a thing

without leaving

a computer trail? Thanks.

This is research for

a hypothetical screenplay. "

Hypothetically,

I wouldn't answer this guy.

Great advice, Pinky.

Oh, good morning.

Pinchus Zion,

attorney at law.

- How can I help you?

- Cyrus Kinnick, looking for a Nick Wild.

He's right

behind you.

Nick?

This is Cyrus Kinnick.

Thank you.

Hello, Mr. Wild.

I was thinking of hitting

the casino tonight.

I wish I could

help you, pal.

You gotta be 21.

They'll lose their license.

I'm 23 years old,

but my youthful appearance

is one of the reasons

why I believe

I need a bodyguard.

May I be frank?

Grab a seat.

I looked you up on an online guide

to Vegas but you weren't in it.

That bothers me.

See, I'm a

considerable gambler,

if that isn't being

too boastful

and safety means

much to me.

I checked under every

synonym for safety,

but there was

no Nick Wild.

Well, you should've tried between

"chapels" and "charm schools".

I don't want to be too

boastful either, Mr. Kinnick,

but you're talking to the only

chaperone in all of Nevada.

See, now, I'm confused. I was

referred to you by an ex-client.

He was a neighbor

of mine in Boston.

I simply took him

off his advice,

but now I fear you

may be too jocular.

Could you tell me

about yourself?

You mean, you want

my qualifications?

Along those lines.

Along those lines.

Well, I've been knocked down,

blown up, lied to, sh*t on,

and shot at.

So nothing surprises

me much anymore,

except the things that

people do to each other.

I'm a licensed pilot,

took karate in Tokyo.

I lectured

on economics at Yale.

I can memorize

the front pages

of the New York Times

in five minutes

and repeat it back

to you in five weeks.

I was the National Golden Gloves

champion three years in a row.

I'm fluent

in four languages

and can wrestle with

a menu in five more...

- Jesus!

- Don't interrupt me. There's more.

- More?

- Yeah.

I lie a lot.

I'm staying

at Caesars, Mr. Wild.

Shall we say 7:
00?

7:
00, Mr. Kinnick.

It worked, Nicky!

It f***in' worked!

It really worked.

How could you be such

a bastard Os, huh?

You said I was a coward

and my breath was bad.

That's not an insult,

that's a f***in' insult.

That was in character, man.

I'm f***in' around.

You're too sensitive.

And you didn't tell me you

were gonna take my f***in' hair.

What was that, man?

She likes you

better without it.

Heh, women,

they like honesty.

Who knew?

Word to the wise.

All right, fresh

from the bank...

- one thousand dollars.

- That's not the right amount.

Are you callin' me a crook?

'Cause I am not a crook.

Nobody said you were.

You forgot

the bonus, Nicky!

I said if she came along

out of pressure

I was putting on, fine.

Whatever. Done.

But if by seeing

the real me,

it could bring out

that she loved me,

there'd be a

$500 bonus. $1,000.

And that's what happened?

She saw the real you?

She f***in' loves me, man.

Love.

I'll take the $500, Os.

This day keeps gettin'

better and better.

I love you, man.

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